Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 3

75c: Rob Reiner

Droolers Anti-Defamation League

.....Chevy Chase

[FADE IN on Chevy Chase standing in front of a black background. He wears a white shirt, black tie, and dark-rimmed nerdy glasses. SUPERIMPOSE the caption, “A PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE.” Chevy speaks haltingly in a very nasal voice.]

Chevy Chase: In America today, certain oppressed minorities... [long pause, takes a deep breath] ...are treated like second class citizens. All because of a harmless little affliction. I refer to saliva displacement difficulties, or, as we are sometimes called, “droolers.”

[Drool trickles out of Chevy’s mouth and dribbles down his chin. The audience chortles with laughter.]

Chevy Chase: We at the Droolers Anti-Defamation League are working to correct the negative image of droolers propagated by the media.

[Slobber spills all the way onto his shirt.]

Chevy Chase: For example, how many people know that many famous individuals throughout history--the great philosopher Spinoza, authoress Charlotte Bronte, and world leader Mahatma Gandhi--were actually droolers? Contemporary droolers include Don Pardo.

[Audience roars with laughter as Chevy continues drooling.]

Chevy Chase: There is no reason... why...

[Chevy struggles not to crack up along with the audience.]

Chevy Chase: [stumbling on words] There is no weason why a drooler cannot function as a useful, active member of society. Sealing envelopes, for example, are a small...

[Audience howls with laughter while spit continues to run down Chevy’s chin.]

Chevy Chase: Like everything else, drooling is a handicap. But it is a handicap that can be licked. Thank you.

[FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Joe Cornfield

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