75c: Rob Reiner

Dangerous but Inept

.....Jane Curtin
Squeaky Fromme.....Laraine Newman

[FADE IN on the caption “DANGEROUS BUT INEPT” against a blood-red background, then FADE to Jane Curtin on a talk show set with potted plants behind her. The caption lingers for a few seconds.]

Jane Curtin: Hi, I’m Jane Curtin, and welcome to another edition of “Dangerous but Inept.” Our guest this week is Squeaky...

[CUT to Laraine Newman as Squeaky, decked in a flowing red dress and a red shawl around her head. She stares at the camera with a deranged look.]

Jane Curtin: Infamous for her alleged attempt on the President’s life, and for her connection with the Manson family. Squeaky, welcome.

[Squeaky pulls a pistol out from under her dress and aims it at Jane’s stomach.]

Squeaky Fromme: Die, lackey pig!

[Squeaky pulls the trigger, but the gun snaps harmlessly. She glances down at it in dismay.]

Jane Curtin: [smoothly] One thing I’m sure our viewers would be interested in knowing is just how you came to be called “Squeaky.” Is that a nickname Charlie gave you?

Squeaky Fromme: He isn’t “Charlie,” he’s the Holy Redeemer! Bourgeois hog-face. Meet your maker.

[Again, Squeaky points and shoots, but the trigger only clicks. She frowns and looks inside the chamber to see if it’s loaded.]

Jane Curtin: [nonplussed] Squeaky, you, uh, made an alleged attempt on the President’s life in September...

Squeaky Fromme: [oblivious] Fawning fascist sycophant...

Jane Curtin: Now, what made you decide that you felt strongly enough to resort to the use of violence?

Squeaky Fromme: [over Jane] Make way for the TRUE revolution, you rat-dog.

[After Squeaky fires her empty pistol again, she cries pleadingly to the camera.]

Squeaky Fromme: So what if Charlie’s short?! He’s good, and he’s kind, and he only kills what he eats!!

Jane Curtin: Join us again next week for another edition of “Dangerous but Inept”...

Squeaky Fromme: [checks gun] Scum! Toiling dreamer of the status quo! Eat lead!

Jane Curtin: ...for a chat with Sara Jane Moore. Good night.

[Squeaky’s empty pistol clicks again, then FADE to black over applause.]


Submitted by: Joe Cornfield