75c: Rob Reiner
Dangerous but Inept
Squeaky Fromme.....Laraine Newman
[FADE IN on the caption “DANGEROUS BUT INEPT” against a blood-red background, then FADE to Jane Curtin on a talk show set with potted plants behind her. The caption lingers for a few seconds.]
Jane Curtin: Hi, I’m Jane Curtin, and welcome to another edition of “Dangerous but Inept.” Our guest this week is Squeaky...
[CUT to Laraine Newman as Squeaky, decked in a flowing red dress and a red shawl around her head. She stares at the camera with a deranged look.]
Jane Curtin: Infamous for her alleged attempt on the President’s life, and for her connection with the Manson family. Squeaky, welcome.
[Squeaky pulls a pistol out from under her dress and aims it at Jane’s stomach.]
Squeaky Fromme: Die, lackey pig!
[Squeaky pulls the trigger, but the gun snaps harmlessly. She glances down at it in dismay.]
Jane Curtin: [smoothly] One thing I’m sure our viewers would be interested in knowing is just how you came to be called “Squeaky.” Is that a nickname Charlie gave you?
Squeaky Fromme: He isn’t “Charlie,” he’s the Holy Redeemer! Bourgeois hog-face. Meet your maker.
[Again, Squeaky points and shoots, but the trigger only clicks. She frowns and looks inside the chamber to see if it’s loaded.]
Jane Curtin: [nonplussed] Squeaky, you, uh, made an alleged attempt on the President’s life in September...
Squeaky Fromme: [oblivious] Fawning fascist sycophant...
Jane Curtin: Now, what made you decide that you felt strongly enough to resort to the use of violence?
Squeaky Fromme: [over Jane] Make way for the TRUE revolution, you rat-dog.
[After Squeaky fires her empty pistol again, she cries pleadingly to the camera.]
Squeaky Fromme: So what if Charlie’s short?! He’s good, and he’s kind, and he only kills what he eats!!
Jane Curtin: Join us again next week for another edition of “Dangerous but Inept”...
Squeaky Fromme: [checks gun] Scum! Toiling dreamer of the status quo! Eat lead!
Jane Curtin: ...for a chat with Sara Jane Moore. Good night.
[Squeaky’s empty pistol clicks again, then FADE to black over applause.]
Submitted by: Joe Cornfield