Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 3









75c: Rob Reiner

The Muppets

Ploobis.....Jim Henson
Scred.....Jerry Nelson
Peuta.....Alice Tweedy
Wisss.....Richard Hunt
Mighty Favog.....Frank Oz

[ As the sketch opens, Scred is massaging King Ploobis' back. ]

Ploobis: Oh, yeah, yeah. A little to the left there, Scred. Oh, yeah! Yeah!

[ The moment is broken by an explosive entrance from Queen Peuta. ]

Peuta: Ploobis! Ploobis! Do you know what your son Wisss is doing?

Ploobis: What, has he locked himself in the bathroom with a magazine again?

Peuta: No! Your son Wisss is smoking... craters!

Ploobis: NO!

Peuta: Yes!

Ploobis: Not my son. Why, my son is a... he's a...

Scred: A crater head!

Ploobis: A crater head! No, he is not! [ POW! Ploobis smacks Scred. ]

Scred: Oh, thank you.

Ploobis: My son is not a crater head.

Peuta: Yes, he is! Go look for yourself.

Ploobis: All right, I will!

[ Ploobis exits. Scred takes the opportunity to fondle Peuta's moogies. ]

Scred: Cootchie cootchie coo!

Peuta: Ooh! Ha ha. Not now, sugar claws...

[ Cut to a plain of smoking craters. Wisss, Ploobis' long-haired hippie son, is sniffing the smoke and blowing it out again through his long furry snout. ]

Wisss: On top of Old Smokey... [ blows out ] Aaaaaahhh!

[ Ploobis enters. ]

Ploobis: Hey, didn't I ever tell you not to smoke that stuff?

Wisss: Hey, man... wow! Your aura's really red!

Ploobis: Oooooh. Your aura's gonna be black and blue in a minute, fella.

Wisss: Hey, lighten, up, Jack, lighten up.

Ploobis: Listen... all the evidence is not in, buster. That stuff there rots your brain.

Wisss: Oh, yeah?

Ploobis: Yeah!

Wisss: Oh, YEAH?

Ploobis: YEAH!

Wisss: ... Yeah, what? [ Wisss scratches his head. ]

Ploobis: See that? It rots your brain! Now, what do you need that stuff for? Look at ME! I'm high on life!

Wisss: Yeah. [ He turns contemptuously and sniffs at the crater. ]

[ Scred enters. ]

Scred: Sire?

Ploobis: What.

Scred: Perhaps it would help if you spoke to your son in his own language.

Ploobis: Grrruhh. Good thinking, Scred. [ He approaches Wisss. ] Um... hey, listen, uh, uh -- dude -- uh... Big Daddy-o here wants you to ixnay with the crater smoke. Ya dig? Huh?

Wisss: Hey, man... don't down me with those bad vibes, dad.

Ploobis: Grruh. C'mere, Scred. Listen. I can no longer talk to the lad. I want you to tell him that if he doesn't stop smoking that stuff...

Scred: Mm hmm?

[ Ploobis grabs Scred's nose. ]

Scred: OW!

Ploobis: I'm gonna do THIS to him.

[ Ploobis twists Scred's head sideways, snapping some bones with a loud crunch. ]

Scred: Oh! Ow! I'm sure he'd hate that.

Ploobis: Yeah.

[ Scred tries to reposition his head as he approaches Wisss. ]

Scred: Uh... the boss says that if --

Wisss: Yeah? Well, you tell him that if he doesn't split, I am gonna do this to him. Wisssssss.... [ He blows smoke from his nose into Scred's face. ]

Scred: Oh! Oh! Oh, wooowwww... the colors!

Ploobis: Scred?

Scred: Hmm?

[ POW! ]

Scred: Oh, and the stars!

Ploobis: Grrruhhh. Maybe the Mighty Favog has got some good advice for me.

Wisss: Oh, never, man. Favog's a cosmic turkey.

[ GONNNG! The Mighty Favog is revealed. ]

Mighty Favog: THIS IS THE MIGHTY FAVOG. TALK TA ME.

Scred: Yeah, ya got any munchies? Hee hee!

Ploobis: Will you shut up, Scred. Oh, omni-impotent one, I gotta problem.

Mighty Favog: AWRIGHT. IT'S GONNA COST YA.

Ploobis: Scred, put in the chickens there.

Scred: Hanh?

Ploobis: Put in the chickens!

Scred: Oh, yeah -- hee hee hee! Chickens! Little birdy wirdies. Here ya go.

Mighty Favog: YEAH... [ There's a splash, and a flushing sound as Favog smacks his lips and burps. ] AWRIGHT. WHAT'S YER PROBLEM?

Ploobis: My son Wisss... is a crater head.

Mighty Favog: MMMM. WELL, THE ANSWER, MY FRIEND --

Ploobis: Yeah?

Mighty Favog: IS BLOWIN' IN THE WIND. [ Favog sniffs the air. ]

Ploobis: Huh? [ Ploobis sniffs the air. ]

Scred: I could kill for some chocolate chip cookies!

[ Scred dances out as Ploobis and Favog sniff. ]

[ fade ]


Courtesy of: Tough Pigs Anthology


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