Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 3







75c: Rob Reiner

Golden Needles

Spokesman ..... George Coe
Swimmer ..... Jacqueline Carlin
Tennis Player ..... Chevy Chase

[ Fade in on a woman diving into a swimming pool. She swims across, emerges from the water and addresses the camera ]

Swimmer: Right now, I'm having brain surgery.

[ Cut to an old woman cheerfully working in a garden ]

Gardener: Right now, I'm having a spinal fusion.

[ Cut to a tennis player about to serve the ball ]

Tennis Player: Right now, I'm having a vasectomy.

[ Cut to the commercial spokesman standing in front of a wood panel backdrop ]

Spokesman: "Impossible", you say? Not with Golden Needles voodoo accupuncture, the amazing new scientific breakthrough that combines the ancient art of Chinese accupuncture with the modern convenience of Haitian voodoo. If you're like me, you just don't have time to make frequent visits to the doctor or lie around some expensive hospital for weeks on end. But now, thanks to voodoo accupuncture, medical attention is as close as you're mailbox. Simply jot your ailment down and send it with check or money order to:

[ Cut to the Golden Needles address in black type on a yellow background: "GOLDEN NEEDLES
DEPT. 22
PORT AU-PRINCE, HAITI" ]

Spokesman (voice): Golden Needles, department 22, Port Au-Prince, Haiti.

[ Cut back to the spokesman ]

Spokesman: And be sure to enclose a lock of your hair, a few fingernail parings, and a recent photo. On receipt of your letter, qualified native cultists will fashion...

[ The spokesman holds up a voodoo doll with feathers for hair ]

Spokesman: ...a wax doll in your image, and then a skilled Chinese physician will stick healing pins into that doll...

[ The spokesman sticks a needle into the doll's chest, then holds up a dead chicken in his other hand ]

Spokesman: ...speeding instant relief to you! And all for just $39.95.

[ "JUST $39.95" flashes on screen ]

Spokesman: That's right, just $39.95 for operations costing up to ten or fifteen thousand dollars. So if doctor bills are giving you a headache, try treating yourself the Golden Needles way.

[ Cut again to the address title card ]

Spokesman: That's Golden Needles, department 22, Port-Au-Prince, Haiti.

[ A quick burst of native drumming, then a blow dart hits the center of the title card ]

Voiceover: In case of medical emergency, priority will be given to letters with the earliest postmark.

[ Fade out ]


Submitted by: Dan Pascoe


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