Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 4

75d: Candice Bergen / Esther Phillips

Trans American Airlines

Written by: Michael O'Donoghue

Man ... Michael O'Donoghue
Receptionist ... Laraine Newman

[Fade in on a dingy apartment house hallway. A bearded, bespectacled man in a cheap green jacket walks calmly down a flight of stairs to a pay phone on the opposite wall. He drops in a dime, dials a number, and leans against the wall, his face turned to the camera. He waits expectantly as the phone rings. Long strands of hair hang awkwardly over his left ear. In a split-screen, the call is answered by a nicely-dressed receptionist at an airport ticket counter. A sign behind her reads "Trans American Airlines."]

Receptionist: [pleasantly professional, with a smile] Good evening. Trans American Airlines.

Man: [in a low voice, occasionally flashing a slight, psychotic grin] Do you know what I'd like to do to you, lady? I'd like to stick tacks in your neck. [her face slowly begins to fall] Then I'd like to take a chain saw and run it down your spine. Then I'd like to throw garbage at your face. [by now, she is frowning unhappily] Then I'd like to rent a truck, fill it full of scrap metal and park it on your kneecaps. Then I'd like to hit you in the lungs with a shovel, throw more garbage at your face, and then I'd like to lop off your thumbs with a grapefruit knife. Good-bye. [grins]

Receptionist: [pleasantly, with a forced smile] Good-bye, and thank you for calling Trans American.

[Both parties hang up: the man blissful and satisfied, the receptionist disturbed and uneasy. Dissolve to the applauding audience in the Studio 8H balcony.]

Submitted Anonymously

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