Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 4

75d: Candice Bergen / Esther Phillips

Ambassador Training Institute

Husband ... Dan Aykroyd
Wife ... Laraine Newman
Pitchman ... Andrew Duncan

[In a kitchen, a wife serves her husband dinner.]

Husband: [disgruntled] Sandwiches again tonight?

Wife: You know I can't stretch the food budget any further! Why don't you get a better job?

[Through the magic of Chroma-Key technology, a pitchman appears - superimposed over this kitchen scene - and addresses the camera.]

Pitchman: Are you stuck in a go-nowhere, do-nothing job? If so, this is your chance to start an exciting career in the world of international diplomacy as an ambassador to a foreign country -- by enrolling now at the Ambassador Training Institute.

[After a glimpse of the ATI logo (a shield with an eagle, a dollar bill, and a crossed knife and fork), we dissolve to stock footage of horse-drawn carriages, diplomats shaking hands, tables laden with food, etc.]

Ambassadors live in luxury and get to mingle with glamorous celebrities, royalty, and the social elite. And they don't have to pick up after themselves. Ambassadors have a lot of prestige and influence. They put in long hours without working hard. And they're often the center of attention. And the food? Fantastic! Ambassadors dine on the finest gourmet food at big fancy dinner parties in palaces, in embassies and trade centers.

[Back to the pitchman.]

To see if you qualify for a career in diplomacy, take this easy test, right now, in the privacy of your own home. Listen closely. You are having dinner with some foreign dignitaries and someone says something anti-American. You:

(A) Shoot him and create an international incident.

(B) Pretend you did not hear it and ask him to pass the sweet and sour shrimp.

You'd be surprised how many people say "A" -- but if you said "B," then you have the ability to make quick decisions on your feet. When you enroll at Ambassador Training Institute, you'll learn how to accept gifts graciously, how to propose toasts. You'll use phrases like: "Delighted to see you again!" "I'll ask the Secretary of State." and "Pass the sweet and sour shrimp."

Now, here's how to get your free booklet. Just send three hundred thousand dollars and the name of the country to which you'd like to be ambassador to: Illegal Campaign Contributions, Ambassador Training Institute, Mexico City, Mexico.

Submitted Anonymously

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