Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 4





















75d: Candice Bergen / Esther Phillips

NBC Super Season

Roberts.....Rene Auberjonois
Bob.....Albert Brooks

[FADE IN on a blue background over which the following captions appear: “THE THREE OF US” in the center, “MEDICAL SEASON” on the left, and “BLACK VET” on the right. A fast-paced, horn-laced theme song plays, typical of 1970’s TV network promotion jingles. A chorus of male and female voices sings along.]

Singers: “We’ve got a super season on NBC! Super season! You’re gonna like it a lot!”

[Like blocks, still photos of scenes from each show stack up in a grid.]

Announcer: Even a super season has super failures! That’s why, at NBC, we’ve got super replacements!

[The screen slowly fills up with photos.]

Announcer: Here are just a few of the new shows waiting in the wings!

[CUT to exterior of a hospital while dramatic horns pulsate in the background. The caption “Medical Season” appears in the upper left-hand corner as three people walk down the sidewalk in front of the building.]

Announcer: “Medical Season”!

[CUT to hospital orderlies wheeling a gurney down a hallway, then CUT to an ambulance pulling up toward emergency room doors.]

Announcer: Real stories! Real people! Real action! And reality was never like this!

[CUT to an older gentleman in a suit with combed-back gray hair and dark-rimmed glasses. He sits behind a desk and speaks to a young woman with her hair piled up in a bun.]

Senior Doctor: [in heavy accent] At best, I’d say you have a year to live.

Woman: [unemotionally] I know. I overheard you tell Dr. Franklin.

Senior Doctor: [outraged] You already knew, and you made me go through the agony of telling you this? You are an inconsiderate and thoughtless woman.

[CUT to Dr. Franklin, a young, Chad-Everett type in a gray suit walking out of the hospital with a red-haired, bearded man, wearing a black ‘70s leisure suit and smoking a cigarette.]

Roberts: If she’s in pain, then dammit, DON’T keep her alive.

Dr. Franklin: [stolidly] She’s not in pain. Your wife will be fine until she dies.

Roberts: [angrily] She should not be allowed to LIVE if she’s going to die like this!

Dr. Franklin: Well, you’re gonna die, Mr. Roberts. You’re allowed to live.

Roberts: [pulls on cigarette] I’m not going to die within a year, doctor!

Dr. Franklin: How do you know?

[The young doctor stops and faces Roberts.]

Dr. Franklin: You could be hit by a car driving home today! Roberts: I’m not GOING home today.

[Roberts stalks off as Dr. Franklin glares angrily after him. CUT to the senior doctor from the first scene accompanied by Dr. Franklin. A nurse is pushing a gurney with a young long-haired man on it down a hallway.]

Dr. Franklin: But it’s unneccessary! This man does not need surgery!

Senior Doctor: [accented] He’s already paid for it, and we’ve already spent the money.

[CUT to the same two doctors outside. The older doctor sits behind the wheel of a red sports convertible while Dr. Franklin leans on the door and stares angrily in his face.]

Dr. Franklin: You’re the man in charge! If you go on vacation during this crisis, you’ll lose the respect of every doctor who works for you!

Senior Doctor: I have weighed this decision most carefully. I’ll see you in a week.

[He waves bye-bye and pulls away in the car. CUT to a middle-aged man in a turtleneck leaning over a long-haired woman in a chair and talking intensely to her.]

Man: You’re not really in love with me. You just THINK you are. It happens all the time, Leslie. Patients think they’re in love with their doctors, but they never really are.

[CUT to a dramatic closeup of the man as he turns his head and snarls bitterly.]

Man: They SUCK the doctors into believing them. The doctors do... and then the doctors get DUMPED!!

[CUT to a long-haired blonde nurse, sitting behind a long, high desk and talking on the telephone. Blocks on the wall above her spell out the word “REHAB.”]

Nurse: [in a tired voice] I am a registered nurse... NOT a registered prostitute.

[CUT to an ambulance van pulling up to the emergency room with sirens blaring and strobes flashing.]

Announcer: “Medical Season”! 9 out of 10 doctors agree: if this show gets on the air, watch out! It just might be habit-forming!

[The ambulance stops at the emergency room doors. A man gets out of the passenger front seat, walks around the front of the van, and opens the driver’s door. He helps the driver out and gingerly leads him inside.]

[CUT to a shot of a tall, long building with “CENTURY CITY” in the left corner. Cooler horn music plays, overlaid with a bit of ‘70s slide guitar. CUT to shots of “Judy’s,” “MAGNIN,” and other store signs. CUT to a man and two women walking arm-in-arm down a city sidewalk. Albert Brooks is the husband, and the woman on the left bears a striking resemblance to Susan Dey.]

Announcer: “The Three of Us!”

[SUPERIMPOSE title in the middle of the screen.]

Announcer: The wildest new comedy you’ve ever seen!

[FLASH shots of a store window, a “BIJOU” movie marquee, and then a sign which says “VIBRATIONS,” then CUT to the three on the sidewalk. The married couple wanders over to a storefront window, while the other woman watches from a short distance.]

Announcer: On the right are Bob and Cathy. They’re married. On the left is Susan, Cathy’s best friend. They all live together in fashionable West Los Angeles. This makes for a whole lot of fun--besides making Bob very excited!

[CUT to Bob and Cathy sitting on a couch while Susan sits on the floor near an intable.]

Bob: Well, I think we ought to do something exotic.

[laugh track]

Cathy: [sets book on her chest] What did you have in mind, darling?

Bob: [suggestively] Well, I don’t know... maybe, uh, you know, what they talk about in the magazines.

[CUT to Susan looking dubiously at Bob.]

Susan: The only magazines we got around here is “TV Guide.”

[Run laugh track while Bob looks defeated and Cathy smirks. CUT back to Susan.]

Susan: Hey, why don’t we join a record club?

[She flashes a smug smile over the laugh track. CUT to Bob and Cathy in bed. Bob is leaning on his pillow and talking to his wife.]

Bob: Come on, let’s ask her in here.

Cathy: I don’t WANT to ask her in here. I went to college with her.

[laugh track]

Bob: So you went to college with her! You’re both smart--she’ll find her way in here in a second!

[Run laugh track while Cathy glares at him and then turns her head away. CUT to Bob cracking an egg into a bowl in an upscale kitchen.]

Bob: [peeved] Why can’t she have two eggs like the rest of us?

[laugh track]

Bob: [tosses eggshell away] Why do I have to make an odd number of eggs every morning?

[laugh track]

Bob: Why do I even HAVE to make eggs every morning?

[laugh track]

Bob: Why am I doing the cooking? What is my PLACE here?

[Laugh track runs while Bob disgustedly tosses another eggshell away. CUT to the three of them at the breakfast table.]

Susan: [to Cathy] Oh, listen, before I forget, if it’s okay, can I borrow your overnight bag?

Cathy: Sure, it’s upstairs.

[CUT to Bob chewing with his mouth open and smirking at Susan.]

Bob: Overnight bag, huh? Where are you goin’?

[CUT to Susan and then Cathy looking coldly at Bob.]

Cathy: Why do you care?

Bob: What do you mean, why do I care? I’m a human being. I have feelings. I’m also VERY good in bed.

[laugh track]

Bob: [pleadingly] Please, Susan. Please, you two. Pleeeease.

[grabs jelly jar and unscrews the top]

Bob: Look, jam.

[The women ignore him and his open jam jar while canned laughter and applause play. CUT to the sidewalk in the first scene. Cathy and Susan are running down the sidewalk as Bob chases after them.]

Announcer: Everyone’s fantasy now becomes a situation comedy! “The Three of Us”! It’s in the can and waiting!

[Still chasing the women, Bob holds out his arms pleadingly, then trips on his own feet and almost falls to the ground.]

[CUT to a man and two children taking a pet cage out of the bed of a pickup truck which sits parked on a dirt road near a grove of trees on a hot summer day. Snarling guitar music plays in the background.]

Announcer: [dramatically] “Black Vet.”

[SUPERIMPOSE the title in black letters.]

Announcer: A young black veteran from the Vietnam War returns, and takes up practice as a veterinarian in a small southern town.

[The man and two children carefully carry the cage down a front walk. A sign next to it reads, “Dr. M. Bowman, Veterinarian.”]

Announcer: He and his family find acceptance difficult.

[CUT to Dr. Bowman inside his office and talking to an older white man in a blue jeans jacket and a cowboy hat. A dog sits between them.]

Man: [drawling] Now, he’s gonna have to be operated on. [pauses] Quite frankly, Duke doesn’t want you to do it.

Dr. Bowman: [with an attitude] You mean, I’m gonna have to board this dog while you’re out of town, but I’m not gonna have to operate? Is that what you’re saying to me?

Man: Well, I don’t have anything to do with it. [points to dog] It’s his choice.

[CUT to Dr. Bowman grabbing a young white guy by the front of his shirt and knocking him softly against the wall.]

Dr. Bowman: [slowly] I’m not the kind of vet that believes in drowning cats.

[Cat meows in background]

Dr. Bowman: Except the kind that go after my wife.

[CUT to a young black woman talking to the vet in front of a row of pet cages.]

Dr. Bowman: I just take care of her cow, do you understand? That’s all!

Woman: She doesn’t HAVE a cow, Dr. Bowman!

Dr. Bowman: [confused] Maybe we’re talking about somebody else. Who do YOU mean?

[CUT to Dr. Bowman in his white smock and holding up a birdcage.]

Dr. Bowman: Malpractice?!

Man’s Voice: [growling off camera] That’s right!

Dr. Bowman: Hey, give me a break, man, we’re talkin’ about parakeets!

[CUT to Dr. Bowman kneeling in front of his son and scoldingly pointing in his face.]

Dr. Bowman: [shouting] STAY away from the sheep!! You got it?!

[The boy nods obediently.]

Dr. Bowman: You just stay AWAY from ‘em!!

[CUT to the vet and his wife sitting out on their porch at night.]

Mrs. Bowman: Last night, Martin, in your sleep, you told me that you loved me.

Dr. Bowman: [smiles sweetly] You know I meant it. What else did I say?

Mrs. Bowman: You said you didn’t think I’d ever race again, but you wouldn’t have to shoot me.

[CUT to Dr. Bowman in front of a muzzled horse. He is holding onto the sides of the muzzle with both hands, while the horse keeps bobbing its head to try to get away.]

Dr. Bowman: Ah, ha ha ha ha, ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaa!!!

[CUT to Dr. Bowman peeling out in his pickup and leaving a cloud of dust behind him as the first theme music starts up again.]

Announcer: “Black Vet”! He’s coming your way just as fast as he can! Plus, there’s more!

[CUT to a smoky nightclub. The audience is standing on its feet and cheering while an actor in mime makeup walks to the edge of the stage, bends down, and kisses a young woman in the front row.]

Announcer: Specials, the likes of which you’ve never seen! Specials, like “Tuesday Night Nightclub”! Every random Tuesday, NBC takes you to a world-famous cabaret, to present the finest in underground entertainment!

[While the mime keeps bowing to applause, the scene is washed off to the left third of the screen. On the right two-thirds, a young boy and girl are seen talking to each other in a living room.]

Announcer: And: a new production of Arthur Miller’s “Death of a Salesman”! Totally acted by children!

[CUT to a closeup of the girl, who wears a gray wig and sweater.]

Girl: Do you have your glasses?

Boy: [in oversized white suit] Yeah, I got my glasses.

Girl: And your sack ring?

Boy: And my sack ring. Goodbye, I’m ready.

[The scene is washed into the middle third of the screen. On the far right is a detail from an oil painting of Revolutionary War soldiers.]

Announcer: Also, a series of Bicentennial programs: guaranteed to make you feel two hundred years old!

[The mime keeps taking bows on the left, the children keep acting in the center, and closeups of the war painting keep showing on the right.]

Announcer: And: comedian Albert Brooks breaks out of his late-night harness, gets a prime-time special, and finally gets a chance at making some BIG money!

[As the theme music winds to a close, the background singers start humming in the background.]

Announcer: It’s all right here!

Singers: “On NBC...”

Announcer: And, God willing, you’re gonna like it a lot!

Singers: “You’re gonna like it a lot!”

[The right two-thirds of the screen are squeezed out, and then FADE to black over applause after a brief shot of the mime taking bows onstage.]

[dissolve to audience applauding, zoom in one portly gentleman and add SUPER: "Leonard Bernstein's Caterer"]


Thanks to Joe Cornfield for this transcript!


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