Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 5

75e: Robert Klein / ABBA


Player on Right.....Al Franken
Player on Left.....Tom Davis

[FADE IN on a black “Pong” video screen. Franken is leading Davis, 5-4. The players trade shots for several seconds.]

Al Franken: Y’know, I, uh... I really think I aced the old history midterm.

Tom Davis: Yeah, I saw you were the first one to leave. I thought it was pretty--

[A deep “BUZZ!” is heard as Davis misses a shot and falls behind 6-4.]

Tom Davis: Pretty hard.

Al Franken: Did ya?

Tom Davis: Yeah.

Al Franken: Well, I aced it, I’m sure of it.

Tom Davis: What, uh, what century did you put for McKinley’s shot?

Al Franken: Uh... let’s see, nineteenth, he was shot--

[Davis misses again to make it a 7-4 score.]

Al Franken: [chuckling] He was shot in 1901.

Tom Davis: Well, that’s the twentieth century.

[Franken misses a shot which cuts his lead to 7-5.]

Al Franken: Oh, wow, that’s right!

Tom Davis: Right, dumbo, you live in 1975, but it’s the twentieth century.

Al Franken: [disgusted] Oh, that’s, oh now--

[He misses another shot to make the score 7-6.]

Al Franken: I missed that whole section!

Tom Davis: Well, that’s too bad!

Al Franken: Ohhhhhhh...

Tom Davis: How’d you do on that Alexander Hamilton essay?

[After a moment, the Franken misses again, to make it 7-all.]

Al Franken: What Alexander Hamilton essay?

Tom Davis: The long essay question at the end of the exam.

Al Franken: That was on Aaron Burr!

Tom Davis: No, it wasn’t!

Al Franken: Yeah, it was!

Tom Davis: No, it said, “Write a biography on the man who invented the Federal Reserve banking system.” That’s Hamilton, not Burr!

Al Franken: [stunned] Oh, wow. Th--

[He misses yet another shot, and is now behind 8-7.]

Al Franken: I just read a book about Burr, too.

Tom Davis: Oh. Well, maybe you’ll get partial credit.


Al Franken: I doubt it.

[They trade shots for a few seconds.]

Al Franken: Say, uh, you didn’t happen to notice, did ya, if the, uh--

[He loses a fifth consecutive point, and trails 9-7.]

Al Franken: Nuts! The true-falses kind of went in a... in a pattern?

Tom Davis: Yes, it was amazing!

Al Franken: Oh, good.

Tom Davis: It went true-false, true-false, true-false, all the way through!

[Davis finally misses again, and is ahead 9-8.]

Al Franken: Wait a minute, I got, uh... I got false, true...

[Franken is no longer moving his blip, and misses a shot.]

Al Franken: False, uh, true.

[The ball goes right past the motionless blip on the right again, and the game ends with the Davis winning 11-8. The blips disappear from the screen.]

Tom Davis: Oh. Well... Wanna play another game?

Al Franken: No, I got a geology exam in a couple hours, uh... Maybe I’d better bone up. [long pause] It’s, uh, “Rocks for Jocks,” I shouldn’t have too much trou--I’ll probably ace it.

[FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Sean

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