Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 5











75e: Robert Klein / ABBA

Sam Peckinpah

Written by: John Belushi

Stagehand.....Laraine Newman
Debbie.....Gilda Radner
Rex.....Robert Klein
Sam Peckinpah.....John Belushi

[ open on a movie living room set, an actress named Debbie sitting on the loveseat reading her lines ]

[ Stagehand enters with the lead actor - Rex ]

Stagehand: Debbie? This is Rex.

Debbie: Oh, how do you do, Rex?

Rex: Hello, honey, I'm glad to meet you.

Debbie: Nice to meet you.

Rex: We'll begin shooting in just a moment, just as soon as Mr. Peckinpah gets here.

[ Stagehand exits, as Debbie and Rex get acquainted ]

Debbie: Um.. Rex, I'm a great fan of yours, I've seen all of your films. Really, you're wonderful.

Rex: Well, thank you, I'm happy to hear you say that.

Debbie: Uh, listen. I-I'm a little nervous. I've never worked with Mr. Peckinpah before, andI hear he's pretty tough.

Rex: Oh, Sam? No, I've done fourteen Westerns with Sam! That tough thing is just on the outside. The man's a pussycat, believe me!

Debbie: But, uh.. he's never really done a romantic-comedy before, and.. I was wondering - you think he can handle that?

Rex: Sam? Oh, come on now. Sam's a genius, he can handle anything! I'm sure he'll pull it off.

[ Director Sam Peckinpah enters the set, looking angrily off-stage at a stagehand ]

Sam Peckinpah: One more mistake, you're on the bus! [ spots Rex ] Rex! Hey, hey! [ the two begin to playfully spar with one another, until he notices Debbie ] You must be Debbie.

Debbie: Yes. How do you do, Mr. Peckinpah?

Sam Peckinpah: Charmed. [ kisses her hand ] Look, I don't like to waste a lot of time on rehearsal, let's put one down, alright?

Debbie: Oh. Alright.

Sam Peckinpah: Let's film it! Okay, let's try one. [ Debbie takes her place standing at the window, while Rex sits on the loveseat reading a newspaper ] This is a take. [ takes a seat in his director's chair ] Okay. and.. action!

[ Debbie walks over to Rex with a smile on her face ]

Debbie: John, I have the funniest thing to tell you!

Sam Peckinpah: Cut! Cut. [ stands ] Uh.. that's not quite it. [ slaps Debbie in the face ] It doesn't, it doesn't work for me. It doesn't -- Make me believe it.

Debbie: I'm sorry, yes.

Sam Peckinpah: Make me believe it, okay?

Debbie: Okay. Yes.

Sam Peckinpah: Alright? How do you feel?

Debbie: I'm fine, thank you.

Sam Peckinpah: Good. Alright. Let's try it again, alright?

Debbie: Okay.

[ Debbie and Rex resume their positions ]

Sam Peckinpah: Alright. Let's try one. Quiet. And.. action!

[ Debbie walks over to Rex with a smile on her face ]

Debbie: John, I have the funniest thing to tell you!

Sam Peckinpah: Cut! Cut, cut, cut, cut. [ stands ] Uh.. you're playing it too broad. Uh, you have to, you have to bring it down a little bit, okay? Alright. Have fun with it. How do you feel? [ places his hands on her shoulders ]

Debbie: I'm fine.

Sam Peckinpah: Good. [ displaces his weight so he can kick her in the shin ] Okay.

[ everyone returns to their positions on the set ]

Sam Peckinpah: Let's try one! And.. action!

[ Debbie walks over to Rex with a smile on her face ]

Debbie: I have the funniest thing to tell you, John!

Sam Peckinpah: Cut! [ stands ] You know.. that's not quite it, you know? It just is not working for me. It's not you! [ thrusts his pointed fingers towards Debbie, who flinches just in case ] It's me, it's me. [ points his fingers back to himself ] Give me a second to think, okay. Just give me a second. [ wraps his hand around his face, thinking intensely ] I've got it! [ thrusts his hand out and punches Debbie in the gut; she falls on the loveseat and struggles to climb back to her feet ] Vivacius!

Debbie: Vivacious?

Sam Peckinpah: I want you to be vivacious.

Debbie: Oh. Okay.

Sam Peckinpah: Okay. How do you feel? [ places his hands on her shoulders again ]

Debbie: I'm great, I'm just fine.

Sam Peckinpah: Good. [ slaps her across the face, then turns to Rex ] Is it working for you?

Rex: I'm good. Good contact.

Sam Peckinpah: Alright, let's try another one! Let's do it this time! [ everyone returns to their positions on the set ] Okay. And.. action!

[ Debbie walks over to Rex with a smile on her face ]

Debbie: I have the funniest thing to tell you, John!

Sam Peckinpah: Cut! Cut. [ stands ] Uhhh.. gee, I don't know. [ grabs the back of Debbie's neck and twists her to the floor ] I don't know, I don't know. [ to Rex ] Can you believe this? [ Rex nods ] Are you relating? Is there good eye contact there? There is?

[ Debbie signals for Rex to rescue her, but Peckinpah continues to push her onto the loveseat as he he critiques the performance ]

Sam Peckinpah: I think it's me, I do, I think it's me. Well, let's try it again, alright? [ knocks Debbie onto the loveseat with a slap; when she struggles back to her feet, he shoves her back into it again ] Okay, let's try it. Let's try one more, let's try to get it right. Alright?

[ while returning to her position at the window, Debbie practically collapses onto the floor before she makes it back on her feet ]

Rex: Same place, Sam?

Sam Peckinpah: Same place. Start from the top. And.. action!

[ Debbie walks over to Rex with a smile on her face ]

Debbie: I have the funniest thing to tell you, John!

[ a beat, as Peckinpah looks on without interrupting ]

Rex: Really? what?

Sam Peckinpah: Cut!

[ Debbie looks toward Peckinpah with a certain panic and disallusion in her eyes, while Rex gives a cocky glance towards his director ]

Sam Peckinpah: [ stands ] Now, Rex.. what I want from you.. is, I want --

[ suddenly, Rex violently knees Peckinpah in the groin, grabs his shoulders and thrusts him to the floor ]

Sam Peckinpah: [ sits up, dazed ] That's it! I think we got a take! Print it!

[ Rex and Debbie walk off the set arm-in-arm ]

[ dissolve to the applauding audience ]

[ SUPER: "Coming Up Next.. Are Tulips The Vodka Of Flowers?" ]

[ fade ]


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