75f: Lily Tomlin
[ open on teen dressed in poodle skirt standing around at high school dance in the 50's ]
Teen: [ speaking to an off-screen friend ] Geez, Margo.. I don't think none of the cats is gonna ask us to dance. Wanna you and I dance? Let's wait for a good beat.
Oh, kid, I almost killed myself, I swear to God! I went over to Patty's last night; she bleached her bangs, looks tough. Her ol' lady don't feature it, Margo, but that ain't the cool part. I copped a look at Patty's dairy.. you know what? [ makes sure no one is looking ] She made out.. [ makes sureno one is looking ] ..with Richie Vonatelli on the first date - no lie. Sure, where you think she got that big hickey? Plus, Margo, that ain't all Patty. [ chuckles ] I seen her bra! It was layin' right on the bed - honest to God, there was tissues in it. Yeah.. Flatty Patty. Yeah, I wonder if Richie'd give her his I.D. bracelet he knew she was made out of Kleenex? You know we should do - arrggh!! We should! We should! We should tell all the guys to sneeze when they see her! That would be so bad! This is a great tune. Why don't you and I dance?
I almost didn't get out of the house tonight, no lie. Ah, my old man, he's all shook up. Just on account I got 8 U's on my report card. Hey, Margo.. how 'bout Frankie? You didn't hear? Margo, where are you? Frankie smashed Mr. Gilman right in the mouth during Metal Shop! Yeah, they're kickin' him outta school for a week. Frankie's so cool. He don't care. Gives him time to soup up his Chevy. Honest to God, Margo, you should see that car. That car is so cherry. It's chopped, it's channeled, it's got this real cool horn, you know, you squeez it, it goes Ooga! Ooga! Ooga! Ooga! Oo-oo-oo-ga!! So what are you lookin' at?! so why don't you take a picture, it lasts longer!
I can't stand her. Oh, she's on the Honor Roll. Yeah, I shoulda.. I shoulda flipped her the bird! Anyways.. forget her, Margo. I said, forget her! Anyways, this is so cool.
So Frankie was laying rubber in front of the bowling alley, and there was some punk there, from the Heights, you know? Kept yelling Frankie's name: "Heeeey! Frank-ieeee!! So, Frankie yells back, "That's my name! Don't wear it out!" It really shot the punk down! Then, the next thing you know, this stud wants to grab Frankie for pinks.. so Frankie tells the creep, he says, "Dry up and fa-loat away!" And, honest to God, Margo, just as we're peelin' out, Frankie shoots the guy a couple of real loud ones! [ sticks hand under armpit to demonstrate ] I ain't lyin', Margo - Frankie's got a great personality. Wait, I gotta show you the picture he gave me for my wallet.. [ reaches in purse and pulls out a photograph she conceals from others in attendance ] Don't he look tough? That cigarette behind his ear.. this guy's the most. Look, is that cute? There, that big green spot - that's where he usually has his crucifix. [ puts photograph back in purse ]
[ looking about the gym ] Margo! There he is! I'm gonna have a heart attack! I swear to God, I'm gonna have a heart attack! Margo, he's so choice! Promise me you won't leave, Margo! Look at his white socks! Wih his powder blue two button roll-ups! Whatever you do, promise me you won't leave me, 'cause I swear to God I'm gonna fall down and have a heart attack right over here! [ panicking ] He's coming right over here.. [ plays it cool, watching ] Yeahhh.. he's coming right over here.. [ plays like she's not interested, watches as he passes by her ] No he ain't, Margo? What's he doing? Come on, honest to God, I ain't lookin', what's he doing! [ looks, catches her breath ] He's dancin', ain't he, Margo? Come on, honest to God, he's dancin'? With Francine Puli? I'm gonna have a breakdown, Margo.. I swear to God, I'm gonna have a breakdown right here. Promise you won't leave me. Let's go to the john. I gotta have a ciggy butt. Oh, what do I care? That creep?! She washes her gym suit every week.
[ exits stage ]