75f: Lily Tomlin
Male Sexual Harassment
Written by: Rosie Shuster & Anne Beatts
[ open on interior, classroom, as construction forewoman demonstrates a lesson with a hydraulic drill; female students are dressed in hardhats and jumpers. ]
Forewoman: Well.. that's how the hydraulic drill works. Now that you've got the technical stuff under your belt, I think it's time ya got some moxie - what I call "Streetside Savvy." Now, here are a few choice facial expressions - you know, for when you're not on the cinstruction site - and the noises that go with 'em. For instance: "Hey, ay ay ay! Chicky chicky chicky chicky chicky! Hey, ay ay ay!" [ purses her lips and signals with fingers ] And, this is a killer.. [ does the fish lips ] Yeah, it drives men crazy! Okay, now Exchange Student Danny, over here - hey, you!
[ Exchange Student Danny steps over ]
Forewoman: He has kindly offered to aid us in our live demonstration. Jane! Up here! [ Jane steps forward and sits beside Forwoman on the mock girder ] Now, uh, when a cutie pie walks by.. [ to Danny ] I want you to strut your stuff, honey. [ to the girls ] When a cutie pie walks by, here's how you break the ice: [ as Danny struts past ] "Hey, hey, hey! Beefcakes! Beefcakes! Yeah! You! Come up here, baby! Do some squat jumps on dis girder!" Okay, I think I got him warmed up - you take over! Hey, hey, wait a second.. permit me, sweetheart.. [ removes Danny's coat from his shoulders, allowing him to flex his muscles ]
Jane: Hey, hey, dreamboat.. what's da matter? A.. smile isn't gonna cost ya anything..
Forewoman: No, no, no.. No, you shoulda had that memorized, Jane, you shoulda had that memorized. Okay, class, let's have a little participation. Here's where your buddy support comes in handy. You take it again, Jane, strut your stuff there!
Jane: Hey, Studmuffins.. wanna make bouncy-bouncy?
Forewoman: Come on, kids, let's have it! Come on, let's have it! No, let's have some participation, some buddy support!
Gilda: [ eager ] Oh, alright! [ whistles at Danny ]
Forewoman: That's good. Hey, "Hoo-hah, hoo-hah!" [ whistles at Danny ] Get a load of that! Whoo-hoo! I wouldn't throw him out of bed! Hey hey hey! Okay, hey, Gilda, come on up! Come up up! [ Gilda approaches Danny ] Hey, honey, sweetheart, hey you! Strut your stuff in front of Gilda! [ Danny mercilessly struts ] That's it, sweetheart! do it!
Gilda: Voom, va-va-voom! Voom, va-va voom! Voom, va-va voom!
Forewoman: A real, real nice selection, Gilda! A real nice selection! Honey, come on, keep it up, let's go!
Gilda: Uh.. hey! Joy Chunks! No, you! Hey! You dropped something! [ Danny bends over ] no, just fooling! you look like my ex-husband! [ laughs sadistically; Jane whistles ] Uh.. I don't think he likes this..
Forewoman: No, no, no.. hey.
Danny: Can I put on my coat now, please?
Forewoman: May I put on my coat, please? No! Okay, class, hey! You all saw how Danny here, uh.. he's reacting like he's insulted? It's all an act, believe me. Trust me, Gilda - he loves it. Every minute of it, he loves it
Laraine: Yeah. When you stop whistling, they sure do start gettin' nervous!
Gilda: Okay, I'll try it! Hey hey hey hey, come on, baby!
Danny: I'm not your baby!
Forewoman: Hey, hey, check this! Hey, hey, check this! Hey, hey, hey, hey! [ to class ] This is what you call your re-par-tee! Now, when you get your example of your re-par-tee, I mean, if you're a hardhat who's done her homework, you're gonna have a battery of witty-cisms and bons mots. Okay?
Laraine: Heeeeyy, Crazy Pecs! Where'd you get those pecs, why don't ya flex 'em for me, Butch? Yeah, give me a cheap thrill, uh.. how would ya like a staple in your navel?
Danny: Okay, just hold on a minute! What do you think I am! Men have feelings, too, you know! I don't have to take this! I thought I was coming in to help!
Laraine: Come on, you eat this stuff up like a fork, you know? I mean, you love it! Don't complain! You little tease, you little juicy buns!
Danny: Hey, that's enough.. knock it off!!
Forewoman: Oh! Hey hey! Hey, they are so cute when they're mad! They are so cute!
[ lunch whistle blows ]
Forewoman: Uh-oh! Hey, hey! One hour. Lunchtime. [ hands Danny his coat ] Here - put this on, sweetheart, cover yourself up!
[ the hardhats exit the classroom, except for Gilda ]
Danny: [ sighs ] They were real mean to me! I was only trying to help them!
Gilda: Hey.. don't cry. It's only school.
[ SUPER: "Coming Up Next... Is Lassie's Real Name Elaine Horowitz" ]