Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 6







75f: Lily Tomlin

The Muppets

Announcer: Come with us now, from the bubbling tarpits to the sulfurous wasteland. From the rotting forest to the stagnant mudflaps. To the Land of Gorch!

[ King Ploobis is slurping out of a bowl. ]

King Ploobis: Mmmm. Scred? Where's Scred? There's glitches in my milk. I had to milk the damn gorkon myself. Where's Scred?

[ Queen Peuta enters, wearing a hairnet. ]

Peuta: I don't know where he is! I've been looking for him all morning. He was supposed to give me an impermanent, you know. You know, dear, I wouldn't be at all surprised if he had left.

King Ploobis: Left? What do you mean by that?

Peuta: Well, he's been going around all week with this faraway look in his eyes... and he keeps singing the most sappy, ridiculous songs to himself! I think he's in love.

King Ploobis: Scred? In love?

Peuta: Mmm hmmm.

King Ploobis: But the last time he fell in love was when he went head over heels for Fran Allison. Remember that? He formed the Gorch chapter of the Kukla, Fran and Ollie club.

Peuta: Hah hah. Yes, that's right -- he was gone for a week when he went to New York to try and get on her show!

King Ploobis: Wait a minute. You don't suppose... Grrrurrrhhh. Come with me. We'll check out his place.

Peuta: That's a good idea.

King Ploobis: Yes, it's right over here. Yeah. See this, this crater right here -- that's where he lives. Now, you get down there, see, you're small enough... [ Ploobis pushes Peuta down into Scred's crater. ] Whoops! I'll push... Get down there... You down there?

Peuta: [ down there: ] Yeah, I'm down here -- but what a mess! I've never seen such a thing! [ She clatters around. ] I'm trying to see what I can find -- Ah HAH! What's this, hanging over his bed?

King Ploobis: What's that? Grrrurrrhh! [ Peuta passes a framed photo up to Ploobis. ] It's a picture of Lily Tomlin!

Peuta: I'll see what else I can find... uh oh! And what's this in his waste basket? [ She passes another photo up. ]

King Ploobis: What's that? Why -- it's his old picture of Fran Allison!

Peuta: Ah hah! I'll see if I can find any more clues in this rubble. Let me see, let me see... ah hah, Ploobis, I think I've found it! Look what was lying on his writing desk! [ She tosses up a crumpled piece of paper. ]

King Ploobis: Well, it's, uh... looks like the first draft of a letter to Lily Tomlin!

[ Peuta pops up from the crater and reads the letter over Ploobis' shoulder. ]

King Ploobis: It says: "Dear Lily Tomlin: I have watched with enchantment your beautiful image, when I can sneak away from my loathsome, degrading, filthy job."

[ Peuta gasps. ]

Peuta: Read on, read on.

King Ploobis: Yes. It says: "mi amore enchante, je t'aime, je t'aime." Hunnhh. It says: "PS, Be mine tonight, your slave in love, Scred." And then down at the bottom, it says, "PS, X X X X."

Peuta: Oh! He's in love with Lily Tomlin!

King Ploobis: Grrrunnhh. She has my sympathies.

[ Cut to: Scred cuddling up with Lily Tomlin, onstage in front of a black background. Lily is sitting on a stool, with Scred next to her. Scred puts his arm around her. ]

Scred: Lily?

Lily Tomlin: Yes?

Scred: I've tried in so many little ways all week to tell you what a gas it's been to hang out with you.

Lily Tomlin: Oh, yes you have, and I've enjoyed it myself, Scred. Um. It's just that... it's something I've been meaning to talk to you about...

Scred: Oh?

Lily Tomlin: Uh... well, it's...

Scred: Spit it out! Spit it out!

Lily Tomlin: Okay.

Scred: No secrets, Lily.

Lily Tomlin: No, no secrets. Um -- I hope... I want you to understand... that it's, uh... well, it's difficult... not that I don't like you a lot... but it's difficult for a woman in my position...

Scred: Yes, yes?

Lily Tomlin: To, um, well, to have my name linked romantically with a puppet.

Scred: Ohhhhh! Hey, that's no problem! Yeah, I feel the same way.

Lily Tomlin: Well, thanks.

[ Music starts... ]

Scred: Yeah! We should keep it light! Easy.

Lily Tomlin: Well, thank you, Scred.

[ Lily starts to sing. ]

Lily Tomlin:
"They say we're young, and we don't know
We won't find out until we grow."

Scred:
"Yeah, but I don't know if all that's true,
Cause you've got me, and baby, I got you!"

Lily & Scred:
"Babe -- I got you, babe!
I got you, babe!"

Lily Tomlin: "I got flowers in the spring."

Scred: "Yeah! And I got you to wear my ring."

Lily Tomlin: "And when I'm sad, you're a clown!"

Scred:
"And if I get scared...
You're always around!"

Lily Tomlin:
"So let them say your hair's too long
I don't care, with you I can't go wrong."

Scred:
"Oh, Lily -- Put your little hand in mine
There ain't no hill or mountain we can't climb!"

Lily & Scred:
"Babe -- I got you, babe!
I got you, babe!"

Lily Tomlin: [ hugs Scred close and whispers ] "I got you, babe!"

Scred: [ whispers in Lily's ear ] "I got you, babe!"

[ Scred produces a single red rose, which he hands to Lily. She's delighted. ]

Lily Tomlin: Ohh! Scred, thank you.

Scred: Oh, Lily...

Lily Tomlin: Thank you...

[ They snuggle as the music ends. ]


Courtesy of: Tough Pigs Anthology


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