Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 7










75g: Richard Pryor / Gil Scott-Heron

Exorcist II

Written by: Michael O'Donoghue

Father Merrin.....Thalmus Rusalala
Father Karras.....Richard Pryor
Regan.....Laraine Newman

[ Father Merrin and Father Karras enter Regan's room and find her lying on her bed, possessed with evil spirits ]

Father Merrin: We have nothing to worry about.

Father Karras: [ trying to convince himself ] Nothing to worry about.

Father Merrin: Let's talk to the child.

Father Karras: Yes, let's talk to the child.

[ Father Merrin leans against Regan, who breathes heavily onto him, sending both priests reeling back ]

Father Merrin: You mustn't listen to anything she has to say.

Father Karras: [ scared ] I'm not listening!

Regan: [ menacing ] You're a liar, and a cheater, and a child molester! You french-kiss your dog in the mouth! [ the bed starts to rise ]

Father Merrin: Stop the bed!

Father Karras: [ repeating ] Stop the bed!

Father Merrin: The bed.. must be.. on the floor!

Father Karras: The bed.. must be.. on the floor!

Father Merrin: The bed.. must be.. on the floor!

Father Karras: The bed.. must be.. on the floor!

Father Merrin: The bed.. must be.. on the floor!

[ bed lands on top of Father Karras' foor ]

Father Karras: [ screaming in agony ] The bed.. is on.. my foot! The bed.. is on.. my foot! The bed.. is on.. my foot..! Oh, Father, the bed.. is on.. my foot!

Father Merrin: [ getting weak, stops exorcising ] You must continue, Father. I must rest.. [ exits bedroom ]

Father Karras: [ on floor in pain ] You must rest?! The bed.. is on.. my foot!

Regan: [ parting from trance ] Oh, Father Karras, I'm ever so hungry. Couldn't you give me some pea soup? It's right over there.

Father Karras: [ still in pain ] The bed.. is on.. my foot!

Regan: Oh, jeepers, I'm sorry.. [ makes bed lift off of Father Karras' foot ]

Father Karras: Oh, thank you, little girl.. [ relieved ] You're such a nice little girl, I knew it all the time. Here's your pea soup. [ hands her the soup ] Maybe now we can be friends? What do you say? [ Regan tosses the soup in his face ]

Regan: [ menacing ] Suck-er!

Father Karras: [ stunned ]

Regan: Oh, Father Karras, I'm ever so sorry. Let's make up. [ reaches for vase on the nightstand ] Here, have a flower. [ holds flower to him ]

Father Karras: Oh, what a sweet gesture. You're a sweet little girl. [ Regan smashes the vase over his head ]

Regan: [ meanacing ] Jive tur-key!

Father Karras: [ to himself ] I have faith. I have faith. [ turns to Regan ] You're such a little girl..

Regan: [ menacing ] Your mother eats kitty litter!

Father Karras: [ not sure he heard what he heard ] Say what?

Regan: [ menacing ] Your mama eats kitty litter!

Father Karras: [ lunges for Regan's throat ] Hey, nobody talks about my Mama! [ chokes Regan ]

Father Merrin: [ rushing in ] Father! What are you doing? She's just an innocent little girl!

Father Karras: She's talking about my Mama!

Regan: [ waking up ] Oh, Father! Thank goodness you're here! He was hurting me!

Father Merrin: [ comforting ] Yes.

Father Karras: [ upset ] I'm gonna kill you, if you say anything about my Mama!

Father Merrin: She's just an innocent child.

Regan: [ menacing ] Your mama sews socks that smell!

Father Merrin: Uh, what did you say, little girl?

Regan: [ menacing ] Your mama sews socks.. that smell!

[ Father Merrin immediate chokes Regan's throat ]

Father Karras: [ grabbing Father Merrin's shoulders ] Father, Father, Father, please! Let me help you!

[ Father Merrin and Father Karras both choke Regan as the scene ends ]

[ pull back to studio wide shot, with SUPER: "Coming Up Next... Loungewear For The Dead" ]

[ fade ]


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