SNL Transcripts: Richard Pryor: 12/13/75: The Muppets

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 7

75g: Richard Pryor / Gil Scott-Heron

The Muppets

[FADE IN on a panorama of a set which looks like a moonscape with erupting volcanoes and an orange sky. Black muppets are hiding in craters, a few of which are giving off steam, and tumbleweeds and other odd objects fly across the surface while funky, tuneless music plays.]

Don Pardo: Come with us now, from the bubbling tar pits to the sulfurous wastelands, from the rotting forests to the stagnant northlands, to the land of Gorch.

[FADE to Ploobis, a fat, green lizard with Viking horns, who is guzzling liquor out of a bottle. He slurps for a few seconds, then sets the bottle down.]

Ploobis: [drunkenly singing] I’m retired, and Iwant to go to bed…

Peuta: [shrieking] PLOOBIS!!! PLOOBIS!!

[ENTER Peuta, his elderly wife, who has her blue hair rolled up in curlers.]

Ploobis: Uhhh… I just changed my mind on that.

Peuta: Come to bed!!

Ploobis: [slurring] Don’t tell me what to do!

Peuta: You’re still drunk!

Ploobis: And you’re still ugly. We’re even.

[Peuta hummphs and walks away. Ploobis waves bye-bye to her.]

Ploobis: Uh, yeah, uhhhhhhhhh, we’re even, ehhhhhhhh, um.

[ENTER Scred, a smaller, gray, warty lizard, carrying a lump of ice in his hands and singing unintelligbly.]

Scred: Hiya, hiya, Chief. I got the ice and the beer nuts, but they’re all out of lampshades.

Ploobis: Listen, Scred. Have a drink. I hate to drink alone.

Scred: Oh, nup, nup, nup, I’m seeing double already.

Ploobis: Well, then, both of you have a drink.

Scred: Aaaaaaagh!

[He grabs Scred, pulls him over, opens his mouth, and pours booze down his throat.]

Ploobis: There you go. That, that’s drinking like a man, friend.

[Scred gurgles and coughs]

Ploobis: Drunk like a man.

Scred: Naw, you forgot what planet you’re on! That’s drinking like a Snirch! He, he, he, he….

Ploobis: Oh, yeah, I forget how them Snirches drink.

[Scred tries to pull away, but his ragged sleeve catches on one of Ploobis’s rings.]

Ploobis: You’re caught on me there, Scred!

Scred: Aaaaaagh!

Ploobis: Let go of me, aaagrrgh…

[Scred manages to untangle himself.]

Scred: You know, you shouldn’t drink, though. Yeah, you should just lay offa that stuff!

Ploobis: [points to bottle] All right. You’re fired! You get that, he got laid off the stuff! You, you see that? Heh, heh, heh!

[They laugh while Ploobis has another blast.]

Ploobis: Ehhhh, Scred.

Scred: Hmm?

Ploobis: Scred.

Scred: Yeah?

Ploobis: You know why I drink?

Scred: No.

Ploobis: It’s because I hate myself.

Scred: Oh. That explains why I drink! I hate you too!

[Ploobis throws the bottle at Scred, but misses. The bottle goes klunk on the ground.]

Scred: Actually, actually, I’m only kidding. You’re my very favorite.

Ploobis: Yeahh?

Scred: Yeah. I just love bloated green things.

[Ploobis grabs Scred by the collar.]

Ploobis: I like you too, see, Scred. I like, I like the way your neck and my hand are a perfect fit.

[chokes Scred]

Scred: How convenient!

Ploobis: Wait a minute, Scred. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Scred: What?

Ploobis: Why don’t–why don’t–why don’t–listen, why don’t–why–why don’t–why don’t we go see The Mighty Flavog?

Scred: Oh, no! I got a better idea?

Ploobis: What’s that?

Scred: Yeah. Why don’t we go see The Mighty Flavog?

Ploobis: That’s a good idea! Let’s do that! Come on, let’s go.

[Ploobis and Scred start off to the right.]

Ploobis: Nope–it’s not that way. It’s the other way.

Scred: Over here.

[They walk off to the left and come to a kind of granite, Egyptian statue with an old man’s face carved into it.]

[sound effect of a gong]

Mighty Favog: This is The Mighty Favog.

Ploobis: That is The Mighty Flavog.

Scred: Yeah, sure is! He, he, he!! Hey, Mighty Favog! Me and my little dog Toto here want to go back to Kansas!!

[Laughter]

Mighty Favog: [tonelessly] You guys been hittin’ the sauce again.

Ploobis: Listen, uh–

Scred: No, just had a couple of drinks.

Ploobis: Yeah, yeah, lighten it up there, stoneface!

Scred: Stoneface! Stoneface! Yeah, he’s got a face that could stop a clock!

Mighty Favog: Stoneface?! Thou shalt not take the face of the Lord thy God in vain!

[There is a sound effect of thunderclap, while a lurid gray smoke cloud appears in the sky. Ploobis and Scred tremble in fear.]

Mighty Favog: Heh. The mighty Oz has spoken.

[Sound effect of a gong, then ZOOM in on Favog nodding his head. Play funky music, then FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Joe Cornfield

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