Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 7

75g: Richard Pryor / Gil Scott-Heron

The Muppets

[FADE IN on a panorama of a set which looks like a moonscape with erupting volcanoes and an orange sky. Black muppets are hiding in craters, a few of which are giving off steam, and tumbleweeds and other odd objects fly across the surface while funky, tuneless music plays.]

Don Pardo: Come with us now, from the bubbling tar pits to the sulfurous wastelands, from the rotting forests to the stagnant northlands, to the land of Gorch.

[FADE to Ploobis, a fat, green lizard with Viking horns, who is guzzling liquor out of a bottle. He slurps for a few seconds, then sets the bottle down.]

Ploobis: [drunkenly singing] Iím retired, and Iwant to go to bed...

Peuta: [shrieking] PLOOBIS!!! PLOOBIS!!

[ENTER Peuta, his elderly wife, who has her blue hair rolled up in curlers.]

Ploobis: Uhhh... I just changed my mind on that.

Peuta: Come to bed!!

Ploobis: [slurring] Donít tell me what to do!

Peuta: Youíre still drunk!

Ploobis: And youíre still ugly. Weíre even.

[Peuta hummphs and walks away. Ploobis waves bye-bye to her.]

Ploobis: Uh, yeah, uhhhhhhhhh, weíre even, ehhhhhhhh, um.

[ENTER Scred, a smaller, gray, warty lizard, carrying a lump of ice in his hands and singing unintelligbly.]

Scred: Hiya, hiya, Chief. I got the ice and the beer nuts, but theyíre all out of lampshades.

Ploobis: Listen, Scred. Have a drink. I hate to drink alone.

Scred: Oh, nup, nup, nup, Iím seeing double already.

Ploobis: Well, then, both of you have a drink.

Scred: Aaaaaaagh!

[He grabs Scred, pulls him over, opens his mouth, and pours booze down his throat.]

Ploobis: There you go. That, thatís drinking like a man, friend.

[Scred gurgles and coughs]

Ploobis: Drunk like a man.

Scred: Naw, you forgot what planet youíre on! Thatís drinking like a Snirch! He, he, he, he....

Ploobis: Oh, yeah, I forget how them Snirches drink.

[Scred tries to pull away, but his ragged sleeve catches on one of Ploobisís rings.]

Ploobis: Youíre caught on me there, Scred!

Scred: Aaaaaagh!

Ploobis: Let go of me, aaagrrgh...

[Scred manages to untangle himself.]

Scred: You know, you shouldnít drink, though. Yeah, you should just lay offa that stuff!

Ploobis: [points to bottle] All right. Youíre fired! You get that, he got laid off the stuff! You, you see that? Heh, heh, heh!

[They laugh while Ploobis has another blast.]

Ploobis: Ehhhh, Scred.

Scred: Hmm?

Ploobis: Scred.

Scred: Yeah?

Ploobis: You know why I drink?

Scred: No.

Ploobis: Itís because I hate myself.

Scred: Oh. That explains why I drink! I hate you too!

[Ploobis throws the bottle at Scred, but misses. The bottle goes klunk on the ground.]

Scred: Actually, actually, Iím only kidding. Youíre my very favorite.

Ploobis: Yeahh?

Scred: Yeah. I just love bloated green things.

[Ploobis grabs Scred by the collar.]

Ploobis: I like you too, see, Scred. I like, I like the way your neck and my hand are a perfect fit.

[chokes Scred]

Scred: How convenient!

Ploobis: Wait a minute, Scred. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Scred: What?

Ploobis: Why donít--why donít--why donít--listen, why donít--why--why donít--why donít we go see The Mighty Flavog?

Scred: Oh, no! I got a better idea?

Ploobis: Whatís that?

Scred: Yeah. Why donít we go see The Mighty Flavog?

Ploobis: Thatís a good idea! Letís do that! Come on, letís go.

[Ploobis and Scred start off to the right.]

Ploobis: Nope--itís not that way. Itís the other way.

Scred: Over here.

[They walk off to the left and come to a kind of granite, Egyptian statue with an old manís face carved into it.]

[sound effect of a gong]

Mighty Favog: This is The Mighty Favog.

Ploobis: That is The Mighty Flavog.

Scred: Yeah, sure is! He, he, he!! Hey, Mighty Favog! Me and my little dog Toto here want to go back to Kansas!!


Mighty Favog: [tonelessly] You guys been hittiní the sauce again.

Ploobis: Listen, uh--

Scred: No, just had a couple of drinks.

Ploobis: Yeah, yeah, lighten it up there, stoneface!

Scred: Stoneface! Stoneface! Yeah, heís got a face that could stop a clock!

Mighty Favog: Stoneface?! Thou shalt not take the face of the Lord thy God in vain!

[There is a sound effect of thunderclap, while a lurid gray smoke cloud appears in the sky. Ploobis and Scred tremble in fear.]

Mighty Favog: Heh. The mighty Oz has spoken.

[Sound effect of a gong, then ZOOM in on Favog nodding his head. Play funky music, then FADE to black.]

Submitted by: Joe Cornfield

SNL Transcripts