Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 7

75g: Richard Pryor / Gil Scott-Heron

Suicide Pill

General.....Dan Aykroyd
Major.....Richard Pryor

[FADE IN on a military general’s office. Dan Aykroyd, the general, is pushing pins into a map of Europe when a pair of boots is heard clomping into the room. Wearing a camouflage uniform, Richard Pryor walks in and stands at attention. He salutes Aykroyd smartly. Dan returns it.]

General: Evening, major. Team One is mighty glad you were selected for this mission.

Major: [softly] Thank you, sir.

General: You did a beautiful job of cleaning up Paraguay. Okay. While in the Ukraine, you’ll be using the following items:

[Dan picks up a device which looks like a grapnel hook attached to a toaster.]

General: This is a laser-guided electronic gaphook. This will help--this will help you get over the fuel dump selector fence perimeter. It’s a beautiful software item.

[picks up an object which looks somewhat like a dagger]

General: This is the digispan target fighter. Team Lab One’s newest piece of personnel elimination equipment. You’ll love it.

[points to items on desk]

General: And, uh, take that, and take that pill.

[Obediently, Pryor picks up the pill and swallows it. He chases it with a sip of water.]

General: Okay, now... the chopper will drop you here, in Quadrant B, and, uh...

[points to Pryor with pen]

General: That pill, by the way, is an L-Pill. Kills within 20 seconds of time of consumption. Poison lab came up with it. Take it if they try to capture you.

[Pryor stares at the map in disbelief while audience roars with laughter.]

General: [turns to map] Okay. This is what we’ll be doing. We’ll be dropping here in Sectors 5, 7, and 8...

[Pryor slumps slowly to the floor. Totally oblivious, Dan keeps talking and pointing to the map.]

General: Sectors 5, 7, and 8, we’ll be cross-breeding in here.

[Pryor lies motionless next to the desk.]

General: Major? You listening? This is a life-or-death matter here, now listen. What we’re going to do here... this is vital, Major, please pay attention.

[FADE to black over applause.]

Submitted by: Joe Cornfield

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