75g: Richard Pryor / Gil Scott-Heron
Weekend Update with Chevy Chase
Emily Litella.....Gilda Radner
Announcer: And now, Weekend Update, with Chevy Chase.
Chevy Chase: [ talking into the telephone ] No.. I love it when you make noise. Remember when.. [ notices the audience, hangs up telephone ] Good evening, I'm Chevy Chase, and you're not!
Our top story tonight: Generallissimo Francisco Franco is still dead.
Secretary of State Henry Kissinger stated today that he is tired of using his silly accent in public, and will speak in English. This will in no way effect the content of what he has been saying.
In spite of recent allegations of rampant homosexual activities in the
professional sports world, from hockey to harness racing, many team owners and executives deny the existence of such practices. Commissioner of Baseball, Bowie Kuhn, and NFL Head, Pete Rozelle, could not be reached for comment this weekend, in the Bridal Suite of the Americana Hotel.
In a speech to the Athens, Georgia, Chamber of Commerce, presidential contender George Wallace said, "I don't judge a man by the color of his skin. I judge him according to how well you can see him in the dark when he smiles."
Chevy Chase: Weekend Update recognizes its obligation to present responsible opposing viewpoints to our editorials. Here to reply to a recent editorial, is Emily Litella.
Emily Litella: I'm here tonight to speak out against busting schoolchildren. Busting schoolchildren is a terrible, terrible thing. I hear this is going on all over the country. Mean policemen arrest little children and put them in jail in the wrong neighborhood, so they can't even play with their little friends. Imagine, busting schoolchildren! The food in jail isn't good, and even though they get bread, I don't believe they can get toast. Or nice cake. Now, who will tuck them in? Where will they hang their leggings? Where will they set up their little lemonade stands? Well, they don't have toys in jail, except maybe..
Chevy Chase: [ interrupting ] Miss Litella?
Emily Litella: Yes?
Chevy Chase: I'm sorry. The editorial was on bussing schoolchildren. Bussing. Not busting.
Emily Litella: Oh. I'm sorry. Never mind.
UNICEF fell under attack this week when Syria formally protested the charity's new Christmas card, which says, in ten different languages, "Let's kill the Arabs and take their oil!"
Chevy Chase: Our final story tonight: Frank Sinatra celebrated his 60th birthday this week, with a party aboard his luxury yacht, the S.S. Hoboken. One humorous note: a minor accident occured when the yacht struck an autograph seeker who was swimming toward it. Always the joker, ol' Blue Eyes chuckled later, "Well, I guess it's simply another case of the ship hitting the fan." No damage to the yacht; the swimmer was killed instantly.
Chevy Chase: And now, as a public service to those of our viewers who have difficulty with their hearing, I will repeat the top story of the day, aided by the Headmaster of the New York School for the Hard of Hearing, Garrett Morris. [ Garrett's face appears in a circle to Chevy's right ] "Our top story tonight.."
Garrett Morris: [ screaming ] "Our top story tonight..!"
Chevy Chase: "..Generallissimo Francisco Franco.."
Garrett Morris: [ screaming ] "..Generallissimo Francisco Franco..!"
Chevy Chase: "..is still dead."
Garrett Morris: "..is still dead!"
Chevy Chase: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Garrett Morris: [ screaming ] Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!