75h: Candice Bergen / Martha Reeves, The Stylistics

The Elf

Teddy ... Chevy Chase
Linda ... Candice Bergen
Mom ... Jane Curtin
Dad ... Dan Aykroyd

[In a modest living room, Teddy, a grown man in a green elf costume, crouches atop a coffee table, playing with his brown, peaked elf cap.]

Teddy: [sings]
Up on the housetop, click, click, click
Down through the chimney with good Saint Nick
Ho, ho, ho - who wouldn't go?
Ho, ho, ho - who wouldn't know?
Oh ...

[puts his hat on, speaks]

To the top of the porch, to the top of the wall,
Now, dance away, dance away, dance away all!

[Teddy jumps from table to sofa to a curtained window through which he peers while singing.]

Teddy: [sings]
Up on the housetop, click, click, click
Down through the chimney with good Saint Nick

[Teddy's sister, Linda, bursts in carrying gift-wrapped boxes.]

Linda: Merry Christmas!

Teddy: Ho, ho, ho - who wouldn't--! Sis? [surprised, he shields himself partially with a window curtain]

Linda: [shocked] Oh, my God!

Teddy: Don't - don't - don't look, Sis. Be a lot less painful for ya if you just, uh, try not to look.

Linda: [refusing to look at him] My own brother. A might have expected this of anyone but my own brother! [drops gifts on a chair]

Teddy: [crosses to her] It's been my secret so long, Linda. Guess I'm almost glad you found out. [puts a hand on her shoulder - she shrugs it off - he moves to the sofa and crouches upon it] It's like some relief after all these years ... for somebody to finally realize and know that I'm - I'm a ...

Linda: [upset] Latent elf?! Is that what you're trying to say?!

Teddy: Yes, I'm an elf! I'm an elf and I'm proud of it! Now, maybe you'll understand what I was doing with all those eight by tens of Santa's helpers over my bed.

Linda: [despairingly] How did it start, Teddy? How did it happen? You were always a red-blooded American boy going off to football practice!

Teddy: Only I wouldn't go off to football practice! [quietly] I'd go off to some leafy glade and make merry. ... I don't want to talk about it.

Linda: All right. [joins him on sofa] So this is why you never got married.

Teddy: Oh, I could have gotten married. Lots of us get married, lead perfectly normal lives, have children. [sits on the back of the sofa, puts a leg up on the sofa's arm, exposing his leotard-clad crotch]

Linda: Would you mind being a little more discreet? I can see your bells.

Teddy: [puts his leg down] You think I'm disgusting, don't you?

Linda: No, not disgusting. Just sort of ... impish and ... spry.

Teddy: [amused, grows thoughtful] Spry. Seen that word so many times in dictionaries, I've heard it over the years. I've-- Somehow never dreamed it would apply to me.

Linda: I never did either, Teddy. I mean, we grew up together, both of us, referring to the Seven Dwarfs as "they" -- and now this!

Teddy: You know, I guess, in a way, I'm - I'm surprised you didn't guess earlier. Many's the time I could have sworn you might have caught the twinkle in my eye, I--

Linda: Well, even if I did, lots of people have twinkles in their eye. Dick Cavett, I don't know. [sees Teddy nod with amusement - sudden realization] You don't mean--?

Teddy: Most talk show hosts are. You know, [hops up - walks around to the rear of the sofa] you'll probably handle this a lot better once you realize that frolicking is, uh, perfectly normal.

Linda: [unconvinced] Sure.

Teddy: I mean, you like to dance. [hops up on back of sofa] I like to prance. [nearly loses his balance and his peaked cap] I like to lose my hat. [puts cap back on, with a grin] I like to put it back on my head. Does that make me any different than you?

Linda: I suppose not.

Teddy: There you are. You think of the Elves and the Shoemaker as some kind of a cute story. I think of it as ... a grand design for life. [crouches next to Linda on sofa] So?

Linda: So what? [genuinely] I'm sorry, Teddy. It's just taking me a while to get used to it, that's all, but I'll - I'll learn to accept it.

Teddy: Aw, Sis.

Linda: Teddy.

Teddy: You're the greatest.

[Teddy gives Linda a kiss. A knock at the door.]

Linda: Oh, my God! It's Mom and Dad! I told them to meet me here for the club Christmas party and now--!

Teddy: Hey, if they have to handle it, they'll handle it.

Linda: Boy, I hope so.

[Linda rises and goes to open the door. Teddy crouches on an end table next to the sofa. The parents, conservatively-dressed, enter. Mom wears a stylish print dress and Dad, carrying Christmas gifts, wears dark suit, tie and hat.]

Linda: Mom, Dad, uh, before you come in, I think there's one thing you should know.

[Mom and Dad see Teddy crouched on the end table. Mom glares icily as Dad sets his gifts on top of Linda's on a nearby chair. Teddy looks at Mom expectantly.]

Mom: [coldly] So you're one of them.

[Teddy lowers his head.]

Linda: [puts her hands on Mom's shoulders] Mom, listen--

Mom: It's all right, Linda. Your father's been one for years.

Linda: Dad?!

[Mom abruptly breaks away from Linda and pulls off Dad's hat, revealing a green peaked elf cap.]

Mom: It's something I've learned to live with. All those lonely Christmas Eves after you kids went to bed, wondering whose tree he was trimming, whose stocking he was sticking a lump of coal into.

Linda: [puts her hands on Mom's shoulders again] Come on, Mom. I think we'd better talk.

[Mom nods and the two women exit, leaving the men to confront one another. Dad stares at Teddy for a long moment, exhales, and finally speaks:]

Dad: Son, I - I don't know what to say.

Teddy: [arms spread wide] Dad! It's all right!

[Relieved, Dad frolics forward and hops up onto the sofa in an elfin crouch. Teddy hops off the end table and joins him. They are nose-to-nose, grinning like ... elves.]

Dad: [points a thumb upwards and sings] Up on the rooftop, quick, quick, quick!

Teddy: [grinning, quietly] Down through the chimney with good Saint Nick!

[Dad hops off the sofa and does a goofy elfin frolic. Teddy joins him a moment later and arm-in-arm, they dance and sing.]

Both: [singing and prancing in a circle]
Ho, ho, ho - who wouldn't go?
Ho, ho, ho - who wouldn't know?

[Dissolve to a wide view of the set, including cameras, microphones, monitors and the applauding audience. A superimposed text reads: SOMEWHERE IN THE WORLD, THIS IS THE FAMILY HOUR. The two elves finish their dance and scamper in opposite directions off the set.]


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