Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 9











75i: Elliot Gould / Anne Murray

Killer Bees

Written by: Lorne Michaels & Chevy Chase

Husband.....Chevy Chase
Wife.....Gilda Radner
Killer Bee Leader.....Elliot Gould
Killer Bee Manuel.....John Belushi
Killer Bee Carlos.....Dan Aykroyd
Aunt Betty.....Jane Curtin
.....Lorne Michaels

[ open on suburban living room, Husband and Wife reading newspaper on the couch ]

Husband: "Airport '75" is playing right around the corner.

Wife: I don't know.. I don't feel right about seeing "Airport '75" in 1976.

Announcer On Radio: And now, here's Sandy Duncan for the new BAF Viewmaster.

Voice On Radio: What is this! Is this a joke? What? How does this thing work? I can't..

Announcer On Radio: We interrupt this program to bring you this bulletin from the news room. Swarms of South American killer bees have been spotted crossing the border into California.

[ Killer Bee Juan enters through windwo, crosses behind sofa and puts knife to Wife's neck ]

Sightings have mostly been confined to rural areas. None have yet been seen in more heavily populated areas.

Killer Bee Manuel: Senor, if you want to see your wife again, you will do as I say.

Announcer On Radio: Eyewitnesses say that the bees are yellow and black, and dress much the way Eli Wallach did in the movie "The Magnificant Seven". The bees are also overweight..

Killer Bee Juan: Turn off the radio!

Husband: [ turns radi off ] Wait a minute.. you must be..

[ Killer Bee Leader kicks in the front door, followed by his swarm ]

Killer Bee Leader: That's right, gringo.. the Killer Bees.

[ Music: "Sting" ]

[ SUPER: "The Killer Bees" ]

Carlos, lock the door. Manuel, check upstairs. Pablo, by the window.

Husband: What do you want from us?

Killer Bee Leader: We want your pollen.

Husband: Pollen?

Killer Bee Juan: Your pollen or your wife, Senor!

Husband: I don't understand. We don't have any pollen. [ Killer Bee Juan presses knife closer to Wife's neck ] I think there might be some pollen in my coat. Let me just take a look. [ walks over to coat rack and checks pockets of his coat ] No pollen there. Maybe the foyer. [ returns to couch ]

Killer Bee Carlos: Nice shoes you have, gringo.

Husband: Honey, what about the pollen you left in the freezer? Why don't you go get it? Oh, no, wait.. I'm wrong. Didn't we leave it at Aunt Betty's?

Wife: You're right. That whole big pile of pollen is at Aunt Betty's. There is no pollen here.

Husband: Say, I have an idea. Why don't you take the station wagon.. and drive over to Aunt Betty's.

Wife: Well, I couldn't carry all that delicious, yummy pollen by myself.

Husband: Alright. If you insist. You're right. We wouldn't want to lose one tiny speck of pollen, if we can help it.

Killer Bee Leader: Silence! What do you thnk we are, fools? [ gestures to one of his Killer Bees ] Carlos!

[ enter Killer Bee Carlos with Aunt Betty tied up ]

Wife: Aunt Betty.

Aunt Betty: I had to tell them! They made me! First, they tied me down, and then the buzzing started. That infernal buzzing. The buzzing bees hovering over me, their stingers just inches from..

Killer Bee Leader: Carlos, take her away!

Killer Bee Carlos: Come on, Aunt Betty, we go for a walk..

Killer Bee Leader: Now, maybe you'll talk.

Husband: [ flabbergasted ] You don't understand! We don't have any pollen. We're ordinary people - people have relatively little use for pollen. I could write you a check. I could give you ice cream. I can let you watch TV, but I can't give you pollen.

Killer Bee Leader: [ dejected ] Never mind. Let the woman go. One more killing would not put polen into the mouthes of our starving children.

Killer Bee Juan: [ puts down knife ] But, Diego.

Killer Bee Leader: No Juan. What difference does it make? It is over now.

[ two of his Killer Bees begin playing traditional, sentimental Mexican tune on guitar and violin ]

[ Four Shot: Husband, Wife, Killer Bee Juan, Killer Bee Manual ]

We have reached the end of our journey. If we are to go back to the village, we will go back empty-handed. Senor, my people are poor people. For many years they have worked hard. The harvest is so small for so long. I knew we had to leave, to search elsewhere to feed our young. We started to move north last April..

John Belushi: [ breaking character, after noticing the camera shot ] I don't mean to interrupt, Elliot, but I think we're having some sort of technial difficulty. The camera has been on us all during your speech.

Elliot Gould: What?

Chevy Chase: Elliot, I noticed that, too.

Gilda Radner: Elliot, why don't you sit over here and give the speech?

[ Elliot crosses to couch and sits next to Gilda in the shot, then nods to the musicians to start the music again ]

Killer Bee Leader: Senor, my people are poor people. For many years they have worked hard.

[ camera pans past Gilda to show part of the couch ]

The harvest is so small for so long. I knew we had to leave..

[ camera shows floor and rug. Chevy gets down on all fours in shot and pounds the floor. ]

Chevy Chase: Hold it. Lorne! Lorne Michaels! I can't believe this!

[ Lorne's feet and legs enter the frame ]

Lorne Michaels: What's the problem?

Chevy Chase: Look at this shot! Look at this shot! Lorne Michaels!

[ Lorne gets down beside Chevy ]

Lorne Michaels: Elliot, I can only apologize. Excuse me, I'm Lorne Michaels, I'm the producer of this show.

[ SUPER: "Lorne Michaels - Producer" ]

Elliot Gould: Do you want me to give the speech from here, Lorne?

Lorne Michaels: It's nothing to worry about, I'm sure it's just a minor techincal problem. I'll see to it right now. Just wait one moment, please..

[ Lorne leaves stage, camera following him through the studio and into the control room. The cast watch on the monitors. ]

Elliot Gould: What is he going to do?

Gilda Radner: I think he's going into the control room.

Elliot Gould: What for?

Gilda Radner: I don't know. He's probably going to talk to the director or something.

Chevy Chase: I'll tell you this. He's mad now. I mean, I've seen Lorne mad, but -

[ Lorne enters control room to find a bleary-eyes Davey Wilson slumped in his seat, surrounded by empty licquor bottles. Lorne wrests the licquor away from him. ]

John Belushi: Let me tell you one thing about Lorne Michaels. Lorne Michaels has the biggest heart in show business. He hired that director when no one else would hire him.

[ intercut shots of Lorne reasoning with Davey in the control room, Davey reaching for the bottle ]

Twenty-two years ago, Dave Wilson was the best young director in television. He was directing "I Married Joan". Then, one day, the pressure got to him, and he started hitting the bottle. He went on a bender, and didn't pull out of it until Lorne found him six months ago and gave him this job, and a new sense of himself. Since then, he's been on the wagon, at least until tonight. Okay, so Lorne took a chance and gave an oldtimer a new start, and maybe the pressure got to him again, and he cracked. That's not Lorne's fault. He knows we've got a show to do, and if he has to fire him, he will, because he's that kind of producer. But let me tell you one thing, Elliot.. I wouldn't be in Lorne Michaels' shoes for all the money in the world, because right now he's probably in there firing his own father.

[ show Lorne banishing Dave from the control room, and taking over the directing duties himself ]

Lorne Michaels: [ obviously lying ] Elliot, we had a little technical problem in the booth, nothing to worry about. Can you pick it up from the "My people were poor.." speech?

Chevy Chase: Elliot, you want to continue?

Elliot Gould: Look, Lorne, I don't feel like doing it now.

Lorne Michaels: Elliot, I think it's working very well.

[ awkward pause.. Elliot and the cast all mutter no, we don't feel like it, and exit the set ]

John Belushi: That Lorne Michaels sure can take it on the chin, can't he?


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