Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 9















75i: Elliot Gould / Anne Murray

Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

.....Chevy Chase
.....Laraine Newman
.....Michael O'Donoghue

Announcer: and now, "Weekend Update" with Chevy Chase.

Chevy Chase: [ on the phone ] No, you know -- I love it just after you cut your nails and they've very, very sharp. No, the whole points of the beads -- [ looks up, sees camera ] I gotta go! [ hangs up ] Good evening! I'm Chevy Chase, and you're not.

Our top story tonight: While campaigning for the upcoming primary in New Hampshire, President Ford kissed a snowball and threw a baby. Fortunately, the baby was not injured, but it took a White House surgical team five hours to remove the snowball from the President's mouth. The snowball, nicknamed "Snowball" by Ford, will be preserved by the Smithsonian Institution in the newly-created Gerald Ford wing. The wng already houses such relics as: fifteen shattered skis, six dented airplane propellers, one dented helicopter door, 450 cranial X-rays, and former CIA Director William Colby.

This story was just in this afternoon: at a summit conference yesterday, Chinese Premier Zhou Enlai had a high-level talk with Generalissimo Francisco Franco. Upon the topics of discussion: Spanish rice.

In a surprise move, the CIA and the FBI have decided to merge, forming a new government agency to be known, strangely enough, as the ICA-FIB-MOUSE. [ he cracks up ] Just kidding! The sole function of the new agency will be to keep a watch on itself, thus freeing America to go about its business in private.

In other CIA-related news, the fighting in the African nation of Angola continues, amid international political confusion. For a live satellite transmission from Angola, let's speak directly, via telephone link-up, with correspondent Pam Liederquist in Angola. [ he picks up the phone, as the screen reveals a man twirling a pizza at an Italian restaurant ] Hello. Hello, Angola? [ he looks at the screen, registering a great surprise ] Angelo? No, no, no... we had this problem before. Ang-o-la! Anchovies? I don't want anchovies, I'd like Angola. We're supposed to have a live -- I must have the wrong number. Bye. [ he hangs up ] Well, we appear, once again, to have a transmission problem. As you can see, the fighting HAS calmed down considerably.

Well, as the primaries approach, more and more varied candidates are joining the fight for the Democratic ticket. The latest entry is Senator Robert Byrd. [ reveal man posed with giant egg ] Byrd was once a member of the Ku Klux Klan, but says now that he deeply regrets that association. Byrd has been quoted as saying: "I don't judge a man by the color of his skin; I judge him according to the size of his nostrils."

Meanwhile, Sargent Shriver, stressing his close association with the Kennedy clan and his affinity for the Trumans' straightforwardness, has written his own campaign slogan: "The Duck Stops Here." Asked if his plans would affect a Kennedy draft, Shriver commented: "I do not believe this year that Teddy Kennedy will throw his hat into the water."

Right now, let's go live to Cape Canaveral, Florida, and correspondent Laraine Newman.

[ reveal Laraine Newman standing in front of a green-screen of a rocketship taking off ]

Laraine Newman: Chevy, this is indeed a historic moment at the Cape. For some years now, scientists and government environmentalists have been trying to come up with a way to get rid of stocks of deadly nerve gas that is built up monthly by the Armed Forces. Because of the danger of dumping these chemicals into the sea, NASA has decided to dispose of the materials in outer space. And this is the first such space shot to take place. Behind me, a Saturn rocket loaded with enough deadly gas to wipe out all life on Earth a hundred times over has just been launched safely out of our atmosphere. All the power, all the thrust. Many times, the deadly poisonous gas has been buried, and used as hybrids for niblet corn. [ the rocketship can be seen spiraling out of control and exploding within the atmosphere ] This is Laraine Newman reporting from Cape Canavarel.

Chevy Chase: Still to come: Jerry Ford's whistlestops on the way to New Hampshire.

[ dissolve to Jamitol ad parody ]

[ dissolve back to Chevy at the news desk, arguing with his "wife", Michael O'Donoghue.

Michael O'Donoghue: I'm sick of it, that's all! I'm SICK of it!

Chevy Chase: Look, look -- I'm pretty tired of having this argument every week, Michael!

Michael O'Donoghue: May I just finish one sentence?!

Chevy Chase: Yeah.

Michael O'Donoghue: I-I-I'm sick of staying home alone by myself every Saturday night, I'm sick of going to parties that go 1:30, 2 o'clock in the morning --

Chevy Chase: W-w-w-wait a minute!

Michael O'Donoghue: You just don't care --

Chevy Chase: Caring has nothing to do with it, Michael! You know it! I have to be here! This is how I earn my living!

Michael O'Donoghue: Well... okay, Chevy. I have to earn a living, too, and I don't do it by incoveniencing others.

Chevy Chase: Listen, Michael, I-I-I -- look, I don't want to argue about this any further, alright?

Michael O'Donoghue: [ points to the camera with his pipe ] You're on.

[ Chevy glances at the camera and smiles ]

Chevy Chase: [ falsetto ] In other news -- [ clears his throat, deepens his voice ] IN OTHER NEWS! Well, the times they are a-changing. In California, possession of marijuana is now a mere misdemeanor. Today, however, it was discosed -- disclosed... toy boat! It was disclosed that the penalty for being caught with rolling papers is three to five years.

Another marijuana note -- a serious one this time. The FBI claims that a huge shipment of grass, which they are calling Killer Dope, has been smuggled into New York City. The Bureau urges users not to smoke the weed, which is greenish-brown in color, not particularly seedy, and contains mostly cannabis buds. Warning symptoms are a mild euphoria, a slight rise in the pulsory, some hallucination, and death by laughter with fifteen minutes.

In an effort to aid the FBI in its investigation, Weekend Update is undertaking its own analysis of marijuana sent to us anonymously by any viewers who may be worried. Simply place a small sample of the suspected cannabis in an envelope and send it immediately to: [ SUPER ] "Chevy Chase, Apt. 12 827 W 81st Street, New York City 10053".

Our final note tonight concerns the 50th anniversary of NBC, celebrated with the unveiling of their new logo which costs a total of a whopping $6 million. Surprisingly enough, the same logo was developed by a local TV statino in the midwest at a cost of $100, and has been in use there for some time. Not only is that station suing NBC, but Weekend Update research has uncovered other businesses who have been using the insignia for a number of years and who are planning on bringing their claims to court. Among those suing: Ned's Body Shop and Hairdresser in New Jersey... Norton's Suppository Cleaners in Austin, Texas... the National Cast Iron Mime Troop in San Diego... the Nearer to Thee My Dog Pet Burial Service in Pensacola, Florida... and the Neck Brace and Dental Technicians Union in Detriot, Michigan.

In an effort to ward off legal action, NBC has decided to look over their earlier logo ideas, beginning with the $4 million design. [ the two shapes are on top of one another ]

And, of course, we have the $300,000 concept. [ the two shapes merge at an angle ]

And, of course, next, the $200 logo. [ the two shapes are one in front of the other ]

And, of course, finally, the $3 design, originally submitted by Alexander Kalder's pet gibbon Marvin. [ reveal series of colored shapes overlapping ]

[ Chevy turns to face the other camera ]

Chevy Chase: And now, as a public service to those of our viewers who are foreign, I will repeat the top story of the day in foreign languages.

[ SUPER: "News For Foreignors" ]

[ Chevy rambles in foreign dialects ]

Chevy Chase: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!


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