Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 10

75j: Buck Henry / Bill Withers, Toni Basil, The Blues Brothers

Auto Mechanic Bedtime Stories

Mother ... Jane Curtin
Father ... Dan Aykroyd
Debbie ... Gilda Radner

[In a living room at bedtime, a little girl named Debbie, wearing pajamas, listens intently as her mother reads aloud from a children's book:]

Mother: "... said Pilot Porcupine as he skillfully set a northerly course. As they climbed higher and higher, the passengers could see the--"

Father: [wearing mechanic's overalls, enters, removes his cap and sighs] Hi.

Mother: Oh, hi, honey.

[Father gives mother a kiss and tosses his cap aside, clearly exhausted from a long day at work.]

Debbie: Hi, Daddy!

Mother: [to father] Hey, sweetheart, I have to go to pottery class and catch up on my glazing. Will you put Debbie to bed?

Father: Yeah, okay.

Mother: Oh, thanks. [to Debbie] Goodbye, sweetie.

Debbie: Bye, Mom.

Father: Take the wagon, okay, honey?

Mother: Okay.

[Mother exits as father, groaning and stretching his tired limbs, collapses onto the sofa.]

Debbie: [enthusiastically joins father on the sofa] Daddy! Could - could you tell me a story before I go to bed?

Father: [wearily dismissive] I don't know any stories, Debbie. Go on to bed now.

Debbie: Couldn't you tell me a story about your work?

Father: There's nothing at the garage that would interest a little girl. Now, go on to bed, okay? [lights a cigarette]

Debbie: No, Daddy, couldn't you please tell me a story?! I won't be able to fall asleep! Oh, PLEASE! Oh, PLEASE!

Father: [exasperated] Okay! All right, I got a story for ya. [Debbie listens raptly as her father describes his work as if it were a children's story] Once upon a time, a guy comes into the shop with a small block Chevy 6. I take a look at it. I say, I know there's some tappet knocking here so I pull the valve cover off, I strip the gasket, and I'm all set to tighten down the rocker arms, and there's a whole lot o' oil--

Debbie: Daddy, was there a bear?

Father: No, but a guy was as mad as a bear when I told him he was lookin' at a ring job. You know, it's expensive. So he said he didn't know, so I started pullin' the differential out of the tow truck--

Debbie: Was there a tiny dwarf?

Father: Yeah. Yeah, there was a dwarf, right in the hub. So I chased him with a hammer all the way down the axle and I pulled the hub off and it turned out it was just a wheel bearing and not the pinion gear like--

Debbie: And - and - and did ya find any magic beans?

Father: Yeah. Well, there was this one guy, said he'd give me three hundred and twenty-two magic beans if I'd, uh, open his ports a bit, uh, blow the engine out to forty thousand over and, uh, bolt on a set o' headers.

Debbie: Was there a witch?

Father: I used the winch to drop a three eighteen into the old Dodge pick-up, yeah.

Debbie: And did the - did the princess find the frog?

Father: No, but I did -- right in the starter drive. Right between the Bendix spring and the armature. So I pulled out the armature, replaced all the brushes and it run--

Debbie: Did Bambi come out of the forest?

Father: Bambi? Yeah, Bambi came out of the forest, this guy was goin' about sixty -- WHAMMO! -- his radiator, the grill, gone! I had to put it right in. You know how hard it is to replace a radiator on a '63 Chevy? Ya gotta--

Debbie: Did they all get married and live happily ever after?

Father: Well, this guy was married and the bill wasn't too bad. Now go to bed, will ya please?

Debbie: Okay.

[Debbie kisses her father, scurries toward the stairs but stops and turns.]

Debbie: Daddy?

Father: What do you want now?

Debbie: If you put on new tie rods and king pins, do you have to do a complete wheel alignment?

Father: Yeah, ya do, usually, yeah.

[Satisfied, Debbie runs upstairs. Father does a delayed double take, amazed that there was something at the garage that would interest a little girl ...]

[pull back to audience wide shot, with SUPER: "Coming Up Next... God Never Meant For Pictures To Fly Through The Air"]

Submitted Anonymously

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