Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 10




75j: Buck Henry / Bill Withers, Toni Basil, The Blues Brothers

Buck Henry's Monologue

.....Buck Henry

Buck Henry: Thank you, thank you, thank you all very much. Now, you're all probably wondering, as I am wondering, why I have been chosen to host the show. After all, it's quite true I am not a comic; I don't sing, I don't dance. Oh sure, I've acted in a few films, a few television shows.. I've written a few, but those aren't ordinarilly the prerequisites to hosting a big show like this one. I probably wasn't their first choice.

[ SUPER: "BUCK IS RIGHT. HE WAS NOT OUR FIRST CHOICE" ]

But I've been in the business long enough to know that what possibly might have happened is that a major movie star, or a big celebrity of some kind, was booked to do the show, became ill or something at the last minute, and so they called me. But this does not hurt my feelings. There's nothing wrong with being the second choice. I can take that. I think my ego is strong enough to accept the possibility that they called one or two other people.

[ SUPER: "HERE'S A PARTIAL LIST OF PEOPLE WE CALLED BEFORE BUCK:

CHARO
STEVE ROSSI
GREGG MORRIS
ALDO RAY
NEVILLE BRAND
FERNANDO LAMAS
JIMMY BOYD
DAWN
PAUL WINCHELL
JOHN CAMERON SWAYZE
SAM YORTY
KYLE ROTE
BERT CONVY
MOREY AMSTERDAM
THE TWO STOOGES
EARL SCHIEB
FRANK BORMAN
BARRY NEWMAN
PAUL NEWMAN
RANDY NEWMAN
EDWIN NEWMAN
ALFRED E. NEWMAN
PHYLLIS NEWMAN
WERNER ERHARD
CHASTITY BONO
TRICIA COX
TED BESSEL
JIM BACKUS
GENERALISSIMO FRANCISCO FRANCO
SAM THE SHAM
TOTIE FIELDS
SID MELTON
JERRY MATHERS
TOMMY RETTIG
CANTINFLAS
BILLY BARTY
JOHN DAVIDSON
GENTLE BEN
MARTIN LANDAU and/or BARBRA BAIN
MARK SPITZ
STEVEN WEED
CARL BETZ
DESI ARNAZ JR.
FRANK SINATRA JR.
GARY CROSBY
ROSEMARIE
"AMAZING" KRESKIN
RIP TAYLOR
GREG ALLMAN
ED McMAHON
KUKLA
RUSTY HAMER
YUSEF LATIF
PEREZ PRADO" ]

The point is, that I'm deeply honored. Quite frankly, I'm honored that they called me. And I don't mind saying that as far as I'm concerned this is the best damn show in television. Well, the cast and the writers are the most talented, the hardest-working, the most devoted people that I've ever worked with. In this short week, we've all grown incredibly close. You know something - they do this show in about four days, which is an incredible feat in television. And every moment of those four days, those kids backstage, those people in the booth out there, those, everyone behind the scenes have been working, building, making costumes, rehearsing, and all with a single purpose in mind. That's to make me look good out here. My gosh, how hard they've all worked. It looks easy when it's all finished. But we've really put in a lot of long, hard, tough hours.

[ SUPER: "WE? BUCK'S A LITTLE OUT OF LINE HERE." ]

I don't think I've ever worked so hard. It's almost like doing a telethon. I'll tell you something - I don't want to sound like a show business phony, but it's been such a good time that taking money from this almost seems like stealing. I feel guilty even getting paid for it.

[ SUPER: "BUCK DEMANDED CASH IN ADVANCE." ]

And, I think in all due humility I may just give the money to one of my favorite charites.

[ SUPER: "HERE'S A PARTIAL LIST OF BUCK'S FAVORITE CHARITIES:

ANVIL BAR AND GRILL
VENUS RUB-A-DUB HEALTH SPA
STAN'S HEAD SHOP
EROS ALL-NIGHT MOVIE HOUSE
CARL'S DANISH BOOK STORE
VANESSA (555-5822)" ]

I can honestly say that the pleasure of doing this show is being back in good old New York. You know, no matter what they say, that New York is having a pretty rough time, it's still the Big Apple for me. At least, it's the greatest city in the world. I mean, everything that means something to me is right here - the theaters, the museums, the art galleries, the libraries, the horse-and-carriage rides in Central Park.. all of my favorite activities.

[ SUPER: "HERE IS A PARTIAL LIST OF BUCK'S FAVORITE ACTIVITIES:

ANVIL BAR AND GRILL
VENUS RUB-A-DUB HEALTH SPA
STAN'S HEAD SHOP
EROS ALL-NIGHT MOVIE HOUSE
CARL'S DANISH BOOK STORE
VANESSA (555-5822)" ]

At any rate, I know that the highlight of this trip for me will be doing this show tonight. Los Angeles may be my home, but I'm afraid that after this past week it's just going to seem just a little bit sedate. I know that you're going to enjoy the rest of these 90 fun-filled minutes just as much as I've enjoyed talking to you in these few delightful minutes. You've been a teriffic audience, and I sincerely want to thank you for being so responsive, and for making me feel right at home.

[ SUPER: "HERE IS A PARTIAL LIST OF THE PEOPLE WE ARE CALLING RIGHT NOW:

MILTON DELUGG
ARTE JOHNSON
GORDON MACRAE
SHEILA MACRAE
HEATHER MACRAE
MEREDITH MACRAE
JODY MACRAE
ANY MEMBER OF THE KING FAMILY
ANY MEMBER OF THE LOUD FAMILY
MAURICE NADJARI
THE CHICAGO SEVEN
JUDITH EXNER
ART FLEMIMG
DUNCAN RENALDO
BERT PARKS
JOHN MITCHELL
MARTY ALLEN" ]

I've done a lot of kidding out here, and jokes about New York, jokes about show business, and I'm glad to see you pertain that sense of humor, that special blend of affection and sensibility that is Bicentennial America today. Thank you, and keep watching.


Submitted by: Tony Dumont


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