75k: Peter Cook & Dudley Moore / Neil Sedaka
Don Pardo’s Holiday in an Elevator
Elevator Boy.....Tom Schiller
Native People.....Dudley Moore
Customs Inspector.....Chevy Chase
[FADE IN on a married couple sitting on a living room sofa. The husband is dully pulling a bill out of an envelope.]
Don Pardo: Stuck in the city this winter? Yet you’re pining for far-off adventure and exotic new friends? Well, now your dreams are answered!
[drum roll and dramatic horn fanfare]
Pardo: Yes, it’s “Don Pardo’s Holiday in an Elevator”! Around the world in eighty floors! Where every landing is another land!
[FADE to a nondescript elevator lobby and SUPERIMPOSE the caption “DON PARDO’S HOLIDAY IN AN ELEVATOR” trimmed by vines. The horns segue into majestic strings. A moment later, Garrett Morris walks in with a brown suitcase in his hand. He presses the button, and the doors open instantly. Garrett steps inside.]
Traveler: [to elevator boy] Sweden, please!
[Garrett stands still as the elevator boy holds out his hand to keep Garrett back until the doors close. The married couple walks in next. The wife hugs and kisses another woman happily as the husband holds a huge gray suitcase in one hand and presses the elevator button with the other.]
Pardo: Yes! We’ll take you on a globe-girdling experience, up and down the world, and you won’t even have to leave town!
[The woman waves goodbye and tingles with excitement while the couple steps into the elevator and the doors close. CUT to the couple and the elevator boy inside.]
Pardo: Up the world you go! Proud, friendly natives await you on every floor! The doors open out on fabled Canada, our neighbor to the north!
[Elevator doors open to show Dudley Moore wearing a parka and a fedora in front of a still projection of a snow-covered mountain forest.]
Moore: [with a cheesy grin] Howdy, folks!
Pardo: Canada has the sun on the enchanting second floor. A tame deer nibbles snow out of the palm of your hand!
[A fake deer head sticks out from behind the doors and nuzzles the wife’s hand for a moment. SUPERIMPOSE caption, “CANADA: $7.98 (FOR 10 MINUTES)” as the doors close.]
Husband: Why don’t we, why don’t we go on up to Spain?
Pardo: Spain, you say? Jewel of the Mediterranean!
[Elevator doors open to show Dudley wearing a bullfighter’s outfit and a beret in front of a photo of tropical mountains.]
Moore: ¡Buenos dìas!
Pardo: Better hurry if you don’t want to miss the traditional running of the bulls on sun-splattered nineteen!
[Dudley tries to stick two swords into the fake deer’s head, but the swords clatter to the floor, and he grins widely. SUPERIMPOSE, “SPAIN: $9.98 (FOR 8 MINUTES)” when doors close.]
Wife: This is great!
Husband: Yeah, this is fun!
Pardo: Or is it frozen tundra you’re after?
[Doors open on Dudley dressed in a cassock hat with a fur hastily thrown over his bullfighter’s suit. He is standing in front of the same scene shown for Canada.]
Pardo: Communism leaps alive on panoramic forty-five, fabled Russia, land of detènte! A tame bear nibbles wheat out of the palm of your hand!
[A bear’s head nuzzles the wife’s hand again. SUPERIMPOSE, “RUSSIA: $5.98 (FOR 5 MINUTES)” as the doors close back up.]
Husband: A bear!
Wife: This is great!
Husband: Oh, yeah, look at that paneling! [snaps photos of elevator wall]
Wife: Oh, this is fun, honey!
Pardo: Why not go native on sun-drenched Borneo?
[Doors open on Moore glaring out annoyedly in the same outfit.]
Moore: No way, no way!
[A fake sheep head pokes out, and the doors close abruptly a second later. Crowd roars with laughter.]
Pardo: Okay, then on to sun, south Tahiti! Jewel of the Pacific!
[Doors open on Dudley in the same outfit. Standing in front of the same mountains shown for Spain, he waves a Hawaiian shirt and a grass skirt in front of him and sways back and forth.]
Pardo: With its sapphire skies and glittering beaches! A tame wild boar nibbles poi out of the palm of your hand!
[With two long tusks attached near its mouth, the boar’s head nuzzles the wife’s open palm. SUPERIMPOSE, “TAHITI: $2.98 (FOR 3 MINUTES),” then doors close again.]
Husband: This is fun.
[The husband takes a couple more photos of the elevator paneling.]
Pardo: And at last, seasoned world travelers, you’re ready to return home safely!
Elevator Boy: [pleasantly] Mezzanine, United States. Watch your step, please.
[He opens the doors, and the couple stumbles back out into the hallway. Gilda is carrying two shopping bags with her.]
Husband: A marvelous tour which we’ll remember as long as we live!
Wife: [in nasal voice] We especially loved India, and you can even drink the water and not get sick!
Husband: And anything can happen--we got stuck between Uruguay and Nepal for a minute!
[A customs inspector steps up to them.]
Inspector: Anything to declare, folks?
[They look at him in shock.]
Inspector: Just kidding. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha...
[The couple grin as the inspector grins and then puts on a blank look.]
Pardo: Yes, no more hassles, no jet lag, no sunburns!
Husband: And you don’t even have to get vaccinated!
Wife: And you don’t even have to put clothes in your luggage!
Pardo: That’s “Don Pardo’s Holiday in an Elevator”!
[SUPERIMPOSE, “815 E. 33RD STREET” across the bottom of the screen as the husband and wife kiss.]
Pardo: Located in midtown Manhattan! Convenient to all subway and bus terminals!
[SUPERIMPOSE, “VOID WHERE PROHIBITED BY LAW,” as the couple smile happily for the camera.]
[DISSOLVE to audience wide shot, zoom in on man with SUPER: "Knows Norm Crosby"]
[FADE to BLACK]
Submitted by: Sean