Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 11














75k: Peter Cook & Dudley Moore / Neil Sedaka

Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

.....Chevy Chase
.....Jane Curtin
.....Laraine Newman
Man.....Garrett Morris
Emily Litella.....Gilda Radner
.....Alan Zweibel

Announcer: And now, "Weekend Update" with Chevy Chase.

Chevy Chase: [ into phone ] Wait, wait, wait, wait. Honey... you're talking too fast. What did she tell you? Yes... at the right moment. Yeah? Well, who yanks the beads out? I -- [ he sees the camera ] I gotta go!

Good evening, I'm Chevy Chase and... you're not.

Our top story tonight: Generallissimo Francisco Franco has been critically dead now for eleven weeks. And his doctors refuse to speculate on how long he can last in his present condition.

This week, the FDA banned Red Dye #2, saying the red coloring agent is suspected of having cancer-causing qualities. Coincidentally, it was reported this week that Ronald Reagan revealed he was undergoing treatment for cancer of the hair.

After the treatment, Reagan met at a reception with the three most popular conservative party majors to discuss burning the edges of government documents brown to make them look old and really neat. And the potential use of the musket in CIA-financed foreign wars.

President Gerald Ford has released a list of eight potential running mates for the 1976 election. Among those listed are Elliott Richardson, Charles Mercy, Howard Major, and Sen. Edward Brook of Massachusetts. White House sources said that Brook, a Black man, will not actually be the choice for running mate, but that "The President put his name on a list as a token..." [ flips page ] "of his appreciation."

Chevy Chase: Because it has been so difficult reaching our correspondent in Angola, via satellite, during the heavy fighting there in past weeks. I will dial directly for a live telephone hook-up with "Update" reporter Luwanda Angola. [ he dials the phone ]

[ on the monitor, the phone rings at Jane Curtin's residence ]

Jane Curtin: [ she answers ] Hello?

Chevy Chase: Hello, Angola!

Jane Curtin: Angela's not here right now. Who's this?

Chevy Chase: This is Chevy Chase, "Weekend Update".

Jane Curtin: [ elated ] Chevy, what are you doing calling me! Aren't you supposed to be doing the news?

Chevy Chase: Who is this?

Jane Curtin: This is Jane! How are you!

Chevy Chase: Ah, Jane... hi... how are you? I-I must have dialed the wrong number. I wanted Angola.

Jane Curtin: Angela's over at your house, stringing the beads. You know that.

Chevy Chase: [ blushing ] Good night, Jane! [ he hangs up ] War-torn Luwanda Angola!

State Department officials have denied that the revolution-scarred nation has been signed for a two-week engagement at New Yokr's Apollo Theater.

Patricia Hearst's lawyers have been charged with trying to stop doctors from trying to examine her, and possibly using sodium-pentathol administered by a hyperdermic. Patty is reputed to have a long-standing fear of needles, dating back to the time when she was an only child in San Francisco -- THE only child in San Francisco -- who had to -- who had to snort her polio vaccine. [ Chevy crumbles the report and flicks it off the news desk ]

Pugi, the hot, new Israeli rock band of southern men, will visit the U.S. and perform in New York City's Town Hall on February 22nd. The group will feature their new hit single: "Palestine, My Buns".

Following reports of swarms of so-called killer bees from South America, crossing the border into Texas and California, the Department of Agriculture has warned of dangerous apartment-eating cattle, seen roaming loose in North Carolina.

Chevy Chase: "Weekend Update" is proud to announce a new weekly feature on today's woman. To kick it off, Laraine Newman is in Times Square with a live remote interviewing people on "Abortion: Boon or Hindrance?" Laraine?

Laraine Newman: [ in times Square ] Thank you, Chevy. I'm stopping people on the street at random, and getting their views on "Abortion: Boon or Hindrance?" [ she stops a Black man ] Oh! Excuse me. I'm Laraine Newman, from NBC's "News Update". Could you answer just a couple of questions?

Man: Sure.

Laraine Newman: 1: Have you ever had an abortion?

Man: Uhhhh, no... I haven't.

Laraine Newman: And, Number 2: if, under the right circumstances, would you have an abortion?

Man: Naaahhhh, I wouldn't... no.

Laraine Newman: Thank you. [ the man walks away, confused and bewildered ] This has been Laraine Newman, in Times Square. Back to you, Chevy.

[ Chevy shakes his head ]

Walter Cronkite admitted today that he would have informed the FBI if John Chancellor was indeed a CIA informant, had the CIA not asked the former not to disclose the FBI's associations to the CIA, as long as the FBI and the CIA were connected with the Chancellor investigation, and if Cronkite's CIA-sponsored activities uncovering Chancellor's FBI-NBC connections with the AF of L CIO, CBS, J-E-double-L-O. [ a beat ] M-O-u-S-E.

Great Bitten -- Britney! [ Chevy speaks sudden gibberish, then starts over ] Great Britain's conquered SST flew her maiden passenger flight, Monday, from London to Rio de Janiero in a record seven hours and fifty minutes. The record time included a one-hour refueling and forty-minute delay when the pilot overshot South America.

Chevy Chase: Still To Come: David and Julie Eisenhower openly discuss David's sexual fantasies. After this message.

[ dissolve to ad parody for Middle American Van Lines ]

[ dissolve back to Chevy at the news desk ]

Chevy Chase: "Weekend Update" recognizes its obligation to present responsible opposing viewpoints to our editorials. Here to reply to a recent editorial, is Miss Emily Litella.

Emily Litella: What's all this FUSS I hear... about saving Soviet jewelry? Now... what makes Soviet jewelry so special? Will it be worth more in a few years? Why... prices what they are today... ALL jewelry will be worth more! now, if I recall correctly, Mrs. Kruschev didn't wear very much jewelry... and her husband, the Premier, didn't even wear a watch! Not the mickey mouse watch, anyway. Why, they wouldn't even let him into Disney Land! And now he's DEAD!! Well, I'm infuriated! Save Soviet jewelry?! Where are we going to put it? I say keep it over THERE, with all their ballet dancers! Let them keep their own jewelry AND their own ballet dancers! As a matter of fact, why don't get the ballet dancers to save the jewelry?! Americans have more important things to save! And electricity! And what about our fuel? Now, THAT'S important! Not jewelry!

Chevy Chase: Miss Litella. Miss Litella.

Emily Litella: What?!

Chevy Chase: It's Jewry. Jewry. Not jewelry.

Emily Litella: It's what?

Chevy Chase: Soviet Jewry. The editorial was about Jewry, not jewelry.

Emily Litella: Oh! Well, that's very important.

Chevy Chase: Yes.

Emily Litella: [ she smiles ] Never mind!

Chevy Chase: In reviewing "Weekend Update" for the past twelve editions, we find we may have been unreasonably unfair to President Gerald R. Ford. Beginning tonight, "Weekend Update" declares a moratorium on stories which might be interpreted as accusing the President of stupidity and clumsiness. In the future, we shall treat the Office of the President with the respect it deserves, and eliminate ALL questionable references to our Chief Executive.

This morning, an unidentified man fell out of a second story window of the White House and landed headfirst in the Rose Garden. Whoever it was somersaulted to a waiting helicopter, bumped his head on the rotor blade, and was carried into the craft by Secret Service agents, then took off for Andrews Air Force Base for the first leg of a trip to Veil, Colorado.

We're running out of time, so I'll just have to combine the last two stories: This afternoon, George foreman knocked out the capitol city of Beirut, Lebanon, where he found guerilla warfare in that heavyweight Mediterranean prizefight. That report from correspondent Ron Lyle, in battle-torn Las Vegas, Nevada, in the Middle East.

Chevy Chase: And now, as a public service to those of our viewers who may have been in the shower earlier in the broadcast, I will repeat the top story of the day, aided by the Chairman of Wet Americans for a Cleaner Nation, Alan Zweibel. The top story tonight:

Alan Zweibel: Tonight's top story:

Together: Generallissimo Francisco Franco has been critically dead now for eleven weeks.

Chevy Chase: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

Alan Zweibel: Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow!


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