Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 12

75l: Dick Cavett / Jimmy Cliff

Dick Cavett School of Auto Refinishing and Upholstery

...Dick Cavett

Dick Cavett: [in an office, sits on edge of desk and addresses camera] Hi, I'm Dick Cavett. You know, for a long time I made my living as a broadcaster and TV personality. Sure, it was good but now I know where the real money is: auto refinishing and upholstery. The big three car makers turn out millions of units per year but many don't have the opera windows and louvered vinyl roofs that American car buyers are demanding. That's where you come in with your diploma from any one of the three hundred Dick Cavett-approved schools of auto refinishing and upholstery. [Dissolve briefly to a doctored photo of a mechanic working on a car, with Cavett's head pasted to his body.] With the proper skills and tools, you can make steady cash customizing and restyling sedans, vans and coupes made since 1960. So, enroll now and you'll receive absolutely free my three hundred page booklet Mental Equilibrium and Vinyl Spray Technique.

Don Pardo: That's the Dick Cavett School of Auto Refinishing and Upholstery, Box 39, Long Island City, New York.

Dick Cavett: Remember -- [sings] Opera windows just don't have it/Unless they're made by Cavett -- Mmmm.

[dissolve to audience member with SUPER: "Says He "Never Saw" Deep Throat" ]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts