Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 12






75l: Dick Cavett / Jimmy Cliff

The Dick Cavett School of Hydroplane Operation

...Dick Cavett

[open on office, Dick is sitting on the desk]

Dick Cavett: [on intercom] Uh, tell them I'll only be a moment, Miss Carson. [acknowledges camera] Oh, hello, I'm Dick Cavett, and you know, America has over 104 billion square feet of swamplands and everglads. Much of it is uncivilized; all of it is wet. That's why the trained hydroplane operator has a solid employment future. Today, the best courses in hydroplane and hovercraft operation are being offered by the Dick Cavett School of Hydroplane Operation. [dissolve briefly to doctored photo of a man driving a boat with an older female passenger. Dick's head is crudely pasted onto the boat driver's head] In three short weeks you will learn all the skills of this exciting field at our 58 acre training swamp near Beaumont, Texas, or you can keep your present job and learn at home. Call this toll-free number now ["311-555-7878" flashes on screen for a few seconds], 311-555-7878, and we'll send you my informative booklet, The American Presidency and Hovercraft Speed Tuning.

Remember, when you take the stick, take it from Dick.

[applause and laughter: dissolve to audience shot; the camera zooms on a young woman wearing a hat and glasses. SUPER: "NOT WEARING PANTS"].


Submitted Anonymously


SNL Transcripts