Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 13


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com














Season 1: Order Now!




Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:

Bit Players:

February 14th, 1976

Peter Boyle

Al Jarreau

The Shapiro Sisters

None

Anne Beatts

Neil Levy

Alan Zweibel

St. Valentine's Day Massacre
Summary: As couples dine at a Chicago restaurant on Valentine's Day, 1929, a patron named Roger (Dan Aykroyd) asks Jimmy the waiter (Chevy Chase) to move his car into the garage from the snow. After Jimmy steps outside, a round of gunfire is heard, and Jimmy tumbles back into the restaurant filled with bullet holes and enough energy to open the show.

Recurring Characters: Steve Bushakis.

Transcript


Montage


Peter Boyle's Monologue
Summary: Just seconds after the stage has been cleared of the cold opening sketch, Peter Boyle walks out and tells the audience about his new girlfriend, Lorraine, who's sitting among them. Because it's Valentine's Day, he sings the Rogers & Hart classic, "My Funny Valentine", just for her, unaware that she's making out with another man in the audience.

Bio: Perhaps best known as the misunderstood monster in "Young Frankenstein" and the cranky grandpa on "Everybody Loves Raymond", Peter Boyle (1935-2006), a former monk in the Christian Brothers order, is no stranger to live theatre. Early in his career, he performed in a tour of "The Odd Couple" and onstage as part of Chicago's Second City troupe. A week prior to his SNL hosting, Boyle showed up on the big screen as The Wizard in "Taxi Driver." He's been married to Lorraine since 1977.

Transcript


Ambassador Training Institute
Summary: A commercial spokesman (Andrew Duncan) explains how you can apply to become a U.S. ambassador for a foreign country, aptly mixing work with play.

Note: Repeat from 75d.


Samurai Divorce Court
Summary: Mr. (John Belushi) and Mrs. Futaba (Jane Curtin) are getting divorced, so their divorce lawyer (Peter Boyle) calls them together to divide their assets. The task is simple at first, but soon the disparity prevails and they begin to split everything down the middle with Futaba's samurai sword. There's still the matter of declaring custody of their young daughter, Bingo (Jenny Shapiro), but is it better to split her across the waist or down the middle?

Recurring Characters: Futaba.

Transcript


The Shapiro Sisters lip-sync "This Will Be"
Summary: Peter Boyle introduces The Shapiro Sisters, a child trio who dance and lip-synch the Natalie Cole song "This Will Be."

Bio: Sisters Helena, Emily and Jenny are the daughters of Ken Shapiro, who produced, directed, wrote and acted in New York's East Village Channel One Video Theater for five years, starting in 1967. The crew of Channel One later released "The Groove Tube" in theaters in 1974. Chevy Chase was a writer and actor for both productions.


New Dad
Summary: The typical family home is made up of Mom (Jacqueline Carlin), Dad (Dan Aykroyd) and the children. But if Dad suddenly dies, the family's emotional loss is covered by New Dad (Chevy Chase).

Note: Repeat from 75a.


Jason & Chloe's Sideshow
Summary: Stoners Jason (Dan Aykroyd) and Chloe (Laraine Newman) are visited by their neighbor Bob (Peter Boyle), who keeps mistakenly receiving suspicious packages addressed for them. They invite him inside to watch weird slides from their recent trip.

Recurring Characters: Jason, Chloe.

Note: In future appearances, Chloe also goes by the name Sunshine.

Transcript


Al Jarreau performs "We Got By"
Bio: Al Jarreau (1940-) is the only vocalist to win Grammys in three different categories - jazz, pop, and R&B. 80's television viewers will recognize his voice from the "Moonlighting" soundtrack.

Lyrics


The Corrida
Summary: Ricardo Montalban (Dan Aykroyd) speaks highly of the new Corrida automobile, which he finds satisfactory in spite of its poor assembly.

Recurring Characters: Ricardo Montalban.

Transcript


Weekend Update with Chevy Chase
Summary: Chevy Chase narrates Patty Hearst trial testimony over images of art masterpieces. Garrett Morris reports on the Winter Olympics from Innsbruck a week after they've ended. Back at the Blaine Hotel, Laraine Newman reports from outside a snuff director's room. In an editorial reply, Emily Litella is against donating money for canker research.

Recurring Characters: Emily Litella.

Transcript


K-Put Price-Is-Rite Stamp Gun
Summary: Save thousands of dollars on groceries with this new device, which allows you to change the prices at the supermarket.

Note: Repeat from 11/15/75.


All-Pro Wrestling
Summary: An exciting tag team wrestling match between Bees (John Belushi, Peter Belushi) and WASPs (Chevy Chase, Gilda Radner).

Recurring Characters: Bees.

Transcript


Remembrance of Things Past
Summary: Jane Curtin intrviews a disguised Richard Nixon (Dan Aykroyd), going by the alias of Mr. X, about his recent activities.

Recurring Characters: Richard Nixon.

Transcript


The Pledge of Allegiance
Summary: This week's Gary Weis film shows schoolchildren reciting the Pledge of Allegiance. The last line, "With liberty, and justice for all," cuts to a delivery by Rubin Carter (Garrett Morris).


Duelling Brandos
Summary: As the banjo music from "Deliverance" plays, Peter Boyle and John Belushi, dressed in "Wild One" garb, one-up one another with lines from Marlon Brando films.

Transcript


Household Orgy
Summary: When a husband (Peter Boyle) comes home early, he discovers various men hidden among his household appliances. His wife (Jane Curtin) convinces him they aren't suspicious men, but, rather, new household products designed to run his home more efficiently.

Transcript


"A Home Movie"
Summary: Filmed by viewer Howard Grunwald, this week's home movie is literally video footage of the outside of a house. Afterwards, Gilda Radner asks Don Pardo to tell other home viewers where to send their home movies for inclusion on SNL.


Garrett's Valentine
Summary: Garrett Morris gives Gilda Radner a raunchy Valentine's Day card.

Transcript


Al Jarreau performs "Somebody's Watching You"
Lyrics


Speed
Summary: When a housewife (Anne Beatts) uses the Speed diet pill, she's able to get a lot of work done in a short amount of time.

Note: Repeat from 75f.


"Homeward Bound"
Summary: Gary Weis' film shows holiday travelers reuniting with their families at the airport, to to the sound of the Simon & Garfunkel classic "Homeward Bound."

Note: Repeat from 75h.


Goodnights
Transcript



SNL Transcripts