Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 13





75m: Peter Boyle / Al Jarreau

Duelling Brandos

.....Peter Boyle
.....John Belushi

[ open on title card, with mirror images of Marlon Brando ]

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen - Duelling Brandos.

[ dissolve to Brando #1 and Brando #2 staring into each other's face as they mumble to one another ]

[ the plucking sounds of "Dueling Banjos" ]

Brando #1: [ from "On The Waterfront" ] "I coulda been a contender. I coulda been someone, instead of a bum, which is what I am, let's face it, Charley."

[ the plucking sounds of "Dueling Banjos" ]

Brando #2: [ from "The Godfather" ] "I coulda been Senator Corleone; Governor Corleone. There wasn't enough time, Michael."

[ the plucking sounds of "Dueling Banjos" ]

Brando #1: [ from "The Wild One" ] "She looked at me as if I was a bug!"

[ the plucking sounds of "Dueling Banjos" ]

Brando #2: [ from "On The Waterfront" ] "Don't you remember that night in the Garden, when you came down to my dressing room and you said, "Kid, it ain't your night. We're going for the money on Wilson." You remember? Not my night."

[ the plucking sounds of "Dueling Banjos" ]

Brando #1: [ from "On The Waterfront" ] "So, what happens? He gets a shot at the title on the ballpark outdoors. I get a one-way ticket to Palooka-ville."

[ the plucking sounds of "Dueling Banjos" ]

Brando #2: [ from "A Streetcar Named Desire" ] "So we got in this state, a Napoleonic code. So what's that of the husband is that of the wife, visa versa."

[ the plucking sounds of "Dueling Banjos" ]

Brando #1: "What are you two, a couple of queens?"

[ the plucking sounds of "Dueling Banjos" ]

Brando #2: [ from "Julius Caesar" ] "Here lies Caesar! When will come another?!"

[ the plucking sounds of "Dueling Banjos" ]

Brando #1: [ from "Last Tango in Paris" ] "Get me the butter."

[ the plucking sounds of "Dueling Banjos" ]

Brando #2: [ from "Mutiny on the Bounty" ] "Aye aye, Captain Bligh. [ mumbles indistinguishably ]

[ the plucking sounds of "Dueling Banjos" ]

Brando #1: [ from "Guys and Dolls" ] "Luck be a lady tonight."

[ the plucking sounds of "Dueling Banjos" ]

Brando #1 & Brando #2: [ from "On The Waterfront" ] "John Friendly, get out of there! Take away your heaters and your pistoleros, and you're nothing! Maybe from where you're standing, but from where I'm standing I relied on myself all these years! You're nothing but a lousy, rotten, lousy, nothing - I'm glad what I done to you! You hear me?! I'm glad!"

[ they drop to their knees ]

Brando #1 & Brando #2: [ from "A Streetcar Named Desire" ] "Stellaaaaa!! Stellaaaaa!! Stellaaaaa!!"

[ dissolve to title card ]

[ fade ]


Submitted by: Peter Tomatz


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