Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 13











75m: Peter Boyle / Al Jarreau

Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

.....Chevy Chase
.....Garrett Morris
.....Laraine Newman
Emily Litella.....Gilda Radner

Announcer: And now, "Weekend Update with Chevy Chase".

Chevy Chase: [ into phone ] No. No, that's the Butterfly Kiss, with the eyelashes. Butterfly Flick is -- [ he sees the camera and quickly hangs up ] I gotta go!

Good evening! I'm Chevy Chase, and you -- you are nothing.

Well, the big story tonight is, of course, that it's St. Valentine's Day. President Ford celebrated at the White House with the First Family by trimming the tree, hunting for eggs, vetoing a $6.1 billion Public Works employment bill, calling it: "An election year pork barrel" to the confusion of everyone.

Patricia Hearst told her jurors and the world the detailed story of her capture and the torture by the Symbionese Liberation Army. Rhonda Coulet reports from San Francisco.

[ "Artist's Rendering" footage of classic paintings are revealed throughout the report ]

Rhonda Coluet V/O: The jury in the bank robbery trial of Patricia Hearst heard for the first time today details of her kidnapping from her own lips. The 21-year old heiress described how her apartment was broken in, and she was dragged, bound and gagged, to a waiting vehicle while her boyfriend, Steven Weed, was beaten. The stunned courtroom listened as the defendent tearfully described a nightmare in which she was locked in a closet for more than a month, and was told by SNA leader, Donald DeFreeze: "You'd better be quiet before we blow your head off!" if she didn't make the tapes he asked for. With customary perfect timing, defense counsel F. Lee Bailey called her to the stand late Friday, and sent her jurors back to a sequestered hotel for a long weekend to ponder the sight and sound of a weakened Patricia Hearst.

[ camera pull out on the "Artist's Renderings" to reveal Chevy Chase speaking as he holds his nose ]

Chevy Chase: This is Rhonda Coulet reporting. [ he removes his hand from his nose and looks embarrassed to have been revealed ]

Along with millions of other Americans, President Ford watched the Olympics last night and saw Dorothy Hamill of the United States win a gold medal. She leaped into a delayed axle, a wally jump into a double axle, a double toe loop, a camel spin, a double lutz into a backspiral, a double axle, a double sowcow, a split, a double toe loop, and a butterfly, a laidback spin, and delayed double sowcow, a bower spiral into a double lutz, a wally, finally, a split and a camel spin into a split spin, with a spin coming up. The President was heard to respond: Big deal, I did that getting out of my car this morning."

Chevy Chase: This bulletin just in, from Innsbruck, Austria. For a live on-the-spot report, let's go now to site of the 1976 Winter Olympics and Update sports reporter Garrett Morris. Garrett? [ the camera holds on Chevy ] Garrett?

Garrett Morris V/O: [ off-camera ] Uh -- I'm trying to get in now, Chevy.

Chevy Chase: We're trying to GET to Garrett Morris, who's now LIVE at Innsbruck! Garrett?

[ no response, so Chevy picks up his phone to call Garrett, who finally shows up on the monitor behind him ]

Garrett Morris: [ with a blank blue canvas behind him ] Uh -- well! The big story here, of course, is the downhill, Chevy. Uh, there is certainly plenty of snow. The temperature is brisk, though not painfully cold, and, all in all, the weather seems ideal. Yet, somehow mysteriously, a pall hangs over the hill here. Uh, there is an emptiness, there is an air about us here that people here are afraid of it. Uncannily, and certainly unaccountably, there are no crowds here. There are no throngs of thousands lining up the slope waiting for that record-breaking 144. And, Chevy, even MORE omninous and inexplicable, the athletes themselves seem to be shying away from the death-defying thrills which are the hallmark of this incredible downhill behind me. Strange, but true. Uh, this is Garrett Morris at Innsbruck.

Chevy Chase: Uh, Garrett? Garrett, can you hear me?

Garrett Morris: Uh -- yes. Uh -- reading you loud and clear, Chevy.

Chevy Chase: Well, now, Garrett, I may be mistaken, but weren't the finals in the downhill over just a little bit earlier in the week.

Garrett Morris: Uh -- I'll check on that, Chevy. It's an interesting point.

Chevy Chase: And, Garrett, were not the entire Olympic games, in fact, over with yesterday, Friday the 13th?

Garrett Morris: Another possibility. I'll check on that, too.

Chevy Chase: I think that might account for the scarcity of spectators and athletes there. Wouldn't you say that, Garrett?

Garrett Morris: [ defensively ] Hey, man, what do you wane me to do, baby? Man, what do I know about skiing and snow, Chevy? I could have been covering the Globetrotters in Angola, honky! You know? You and them jive mothers sent me to this, uh, Eskimo club, man! I told you I like warm weather!

Chevy Chase: [ whistling nervously ] Garrett Morris, reporting from Innsbruck!

Garrett Morris: And I'm gonna --

Chevy Chase: CIA Director George Bush has denied reports that the CIA actually planned the recent earthqake in Guatamala, in an attempt to assassinate 18,000 dictators.

Ronald Reagan stated today that he has been wrongly maligned by the press, and the subject of libelous ridicule and gratuitious disrespect by television newsmen. The washed-up, 65-year old ex-actor, who looks almost too pretty for a man his age, and who was bland, at best, in some of the most violent, sexist movies ever made, complained of unfair treatment at a news conference, in which our sources report him as saying: "TV newsmen, in particular, make me out to be simply ignorant on foreign affairs and fiscal matters, and a facetious cowpoke as a public leader." The silly ex-governor led the news conference early to get fitted for spurs and have his hair polyurethaned.

Michael Corvin, the 20-year old man who thrust a toy pistol at Reagan last November, was indicted by a federal grand jury upon examination of Corvin's diary, in which he repeatedly scrawled the slogan: "Squirt the pig!"

Chevy Chase: Let's go live now to the Blaine Hotel... and Laraine Newman. Laraine?

[ Laraine Newman appears on the monitor above Chevy's shoulder ]

Laraine Newman: Chevy, I'm standing outside a room on the second floor of the Blaine Hotel. which is now the residence of a Mr. Raoul Santiago, producer of snuff films. I've been speaking to him with regard to the rumors that his company's films depict, not only pornographic activities, but actual murders of unfortunate prostitutes. He has assured me that he has no idea how these stories originated, and in reality he produces films of surgical and autopsy techniques for South American medical students utilizing nude magicians' asssistants. When asked why he chose to title his company "Snuff Films", he explained, simply, that Snuffy is the name of his golden retriever puppy who often appears in some of the films.

[ a gunshot is heard in the background ]

Director's Voice: Cut! Print it!

Laraine Newman: Well, I see that my time is just about up! I'll be speaking further with Mr. Santiago about his plans for the future, and, who knows, perhaps even a screen test. This has been Laraine Newman. Back to you, Chevy.

Chevy Chase: Still to come: Is America a CIA front? After this filmed message.

[ dissolve to ad parody for K-Put Price-Is-Rite Stamp Gun ]

[ return on Blaine Hotel product slide ]

Announcer: Guests on "NBC's Saturday Night" stay at the fabulous Blaine Hotel. The Blaine. A tradition for more than half a century.

[ dissolve back to Chevy Chase at the newsdesk ]

Chevy Chase: President Ford, reviewing his December visit to Peking, says he isn't sure he ever met China's new Premier Hua Guofeng [ he smiles ] And, coincidentally, in Peking, Guofeng is quoting as saying he isn't sure he ever met Gerald Ford, stating -- adding -- "All those presidents look alike to me."

Well, however, in the spirit of Washington's birthday, Ford remarked that the United States formally forgives the Chinese for Pearl Harbor. [ Chevy rolls his eyes ]

Chevy Chase: Recognizing our obligation to present responsible opposing viewpoints to our editorials, Weekend Update welcomes Miss Emily Litella with an editorial reply. Welcome.

Emily Litella: I believe the American people are pouring too much money... into CANKER... research! Now, how much can you learn about a little tiny sore inside your face?! Why, JUST the other day... a lovely lady came to my door and asked me to donate money to the American CANKER Society! But I said, "Goodness gracious, NO!!" I'm saving up my money for more important diseases! Mind you, Cankers can be nasty little buggers! But they don't KILL you! Now, my cousin Mildred used to get them all the time! On the inside of her lip. And it hurt like HELL when she ate grapefruit! So I told her, "Mildred! Don't eat grapefruit!" And it didn't cost her a cent! Why waste your money, America? CANKERS can be beaten! Don't eat grapefruit! [ she pounds the desk ] And if you DO have cankers... don't put your fingers in your mouth, and don't keep fiddling around with them!

Chevy Chase: Excuse me, Miss Litella? Miss Litella?

Emily Litella: What?! What?

Chevy Chase: Miss Litella, I'm sorry. That's... cancer. The editorial was in favor of money provided for cancer research. Not -- not canker sores.

Emily Litella: Oh! Well, that's very necessary.

Chevy Chase: Yes, it is.

Emily Litella: [ she turns to the camera ] Never mind.

Chevy Chase: Well, to date, very little has been discovered by Weekend Update scientists, showing that the smoking of marijuana is harmful in any way. White rabbits, forced to roll and smoke 87 joints a day, are encouraged not to operate heavy machinery or drive on the freeways.

A reminder: That research laboratory address, where viewers can send any suspicious cannabis, is [ with SUPER ] "Research". That's "Research, in care of Chevy Chase, Apt. 12 827 W. 81st Street, New York City."

Our final note this Valentine evening, concerns the birth of a baby sandpiper at the Washington Zoo. It's the first such birth in captivity on record. The baby ird made its debut at 9:14 this morning, weighing in at just under 14 grams, and, according to zoo officials, resembled its mother quite closely. The name given our fuzzy little friend? Simply, "Cupid". One humorous note: The bird was stepped on and crushed to death this afternono by "Goggles", the baby hippo born in captivity last Wednesday.

Chevy Chase: Well, that's the news this evening. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.


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