Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 14

75n: Desi Arnaz / Desi Arnaz, Jr.

Luciana Vermicelli's Beauty Regimen

Luciana Vermicelli.....Laraine Newman

[ open on a white casket, open to reveal the woman inside ]

[ suddenly, the woman rises to address the camera with a smile ]

Luciana Vermicelli: Hello! I am Luciana Vermicelli! I was an ugly child...

[ she motions hr hand toward a framed photo of a little girl with a moustache and beard ]

...a hideous teenager...

[ the next framed photo reveals a teenaged girl with a long snout ]

...fur on my ears and webbed fingers. But now I am young and beautiful. How did I do it? The answer is in this: [ she holds up a book ] My Beauty Regimen book. My book tells how I drink the blood of girl scouts and brownies. It tells how I eat the face of young virgins. It even tell how I have all my bones replaced with bones of cheerleader and pom-pom girls! Yes, for over 5,000 years, an Egyptian priest has kept all of my body intact -- and some of my mind.

[ she glances off-screen in both directions ]

Kazakhan... the moon is over the valley of the jackals! Kazakhan? You can ignite the eterna-leaves now. Kazakhan? Give me a sign, I'll cut the bird in two --

[ she clutches her throat and falls back into the coffin ]

[ fade ]

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