Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 14

75n: Desi Arnaz / Desi Arnaz, Jr.

Ford's Psychiatrist

Dr. Speck ..... Dan Aykroyd
Gerald Ford ..... Chevy Chase

[ FADE IN on Dr. Speck seated in his office. He dusts off a pillow with the Presidential seal on it and puts it on the couch next to him. There is a knock at the door ]

Dr. Speck: Come in.

[ Speck stands up to greet his patient, President Gerald Ford ]

Dr. Speck: Good afternoon, Mr. President.

Gerald Ford: Good afternoon, Dr. Speck.

[ Speck extends his hand for a handshake, but Ford uses the wrong hand ]

Gerald Ford: You know, I just want to tell you that these sessions have been great for me and I'm much more clearheaded already.

Dr. Speck: Well, I'm very glad to hear that, Mr. President. If you'd just like to lie down we can get on with the session.

Gerald Ford: Wonderful. Thank you.

[ Ford takes a few steps towards the couch but lies down on the floor ]

Dr. Speck: Uh, Mr. President, it might go a little easier if you just lie down on the couch as you usually do.

Gerald Ford: Ah.

[ Ford gets up and lies down on the couch the wrong way, horizontally rather than vertically ]

Dr. Speck: Might I suggest, Mr. President, that things might flow a little easier if you lie down with your head up here (motions toward pillow) and your body lengthwise on the couch.

Gerald Ford: Very good, doctor.

[ Ford finally lies down the correct way ]

Dr. Speck: Now, we talked about dreams last time. I want you to remember to your last dream, either last night or the night before. Just lay back and tell me what you see.

[ Speck starts taking notes as Ford looks upwards and tells the doctor what he sees ]

Gerald Ford: I see...white dots...kind of forming a pattern...the dots and the squares...

[ Speck stops taking notes and slowly and looks up at the ceiling ]

Gerald Ford: The sqaures seem to be like white tile...

Dr. Speck: Uh, Mr. President, that's the ceiling I believe your looking at.

Gerald Ford: Ah, yes.

Dr. Speck: Let's try a little free association, okay? Do you know what that is?

Gerald Ford: That's when you don't have to pay for it, isn't it?

[ Ford laughs heartily at his joke while Dr. Speck feigns a few chuckles ]

Dr. Speck: That's very, very funny, Mr. President. All right now, free association means that I'll say a word and then you'll say a word. Whatever word pops into your head, okay?

Gerald Ford: Yes.

Dr. Speck: Okay. Apple.

Gerald Ford: Apple.

Dr. Speck: House.

Gerald Ford: House.

Dr. Speck: No no no, you can say a different word that the one I say, okay?

Gerald Ford: Yes, of course.

Dr. Speck: Apple.

Gerald Ford: Apples.

Dr. Speck: It can be a completely different concept, you know.

Gerald Ford: Different word?

Dr. Speck: Yes, completely different. Apple.

Gerald Ford: Cider.

Dr. Speck: Good...

Gerald Ford: Bad.

Dr. Speck: No.

Gerald Ford: Yes.

Dr. Speck: Stop!

Gerald Ford: Go.

Dr. Speck: (pauses, then resumes the free association) Rug.

Gerald Ford: Trip.

Dr. Speck: Carpet.

Gerald Ford: Spill.

Dr. Speck: Car.

Gerald Ford: Crash.

Dr. Speck: Head.

Gerald Ford: Bump.

Dr. Speck: Snow.

Gerald Ford: Slip.

Dr. Speck: Primary.

Gerald Ford: Lose.

Dr. Speck: Reagan.

Gerald Ford: Hair dye.

Dr. Speck: China.

Gerald Ford: Pardon. Dr. Speck, I'm not feeling too well today. Got up on the wrong side of the bed. Maybe we could continue this tomorrow.

Dr. Speck: Certainly, certainly.

Gerald Ford: Thank you, doctor. I'll see you tomorrow.

Dr. Speck: Fine.

[ Ford gets up on the wrong side of the couch and crashes through the wall ]

[ CUT to Ford standing behind the set. He looks into the camera ]

Gerald Ford: Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!

Submitted by: Dan Pascoe

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