75n: Desi Arnaz / Desi Arnaz, Jr.
Written by: Al Franken & Tom Davis
Walter Winchell ...... George Coe
Raoul Nitti ..... Desi Arnaz
Angel ..... Chevy Chase
Henchmen ..... Tom Schiller, Alan Zweibel
Student ..... Richard Belzer
Eliot Ness ..... Dan Aykroyd
Lee ..... Tom Davis
Rico ..... John Belushi
Youngblood ..... Desi Arnaz Jr.
Restaraunt Owner ..... Garrett Morris
Patron #1 ..... Laraine Newman
Patron #2 ..... Anne Beatts
Patron #3 ..... Michael O'Donoghue
Lucy ..... Gilda Radner
[Opens on Desi Arnaz Jr. standing alone on stage]
Desi Arnaz Jr.: You know, my parents produced a lot of shows besides I Love Lucy. Desilu Productions put on such classics as The Whirlybirds, Pete and Gladys, December Bride, and The Untouchables, just to name a few. And you know, Dad really threw himself into everything. For example, on The Whirlybirds, Dad created all the helicopter sound effects with his lips. (demonstrates by briefly making helicopter noises) That's not easy to do. For Pete And Gladys, Dad designed Harry Morgan's makeup. But on The Untouchables, because of his accent, Dad never got any speaking roles on the show. Until tonight.
[Dissolve to The Untouchables title card as the theme music starts to play]
Walter Winchell (V/O): At 4:26 p.m. on February 21, 1936, in a warehouse on the north side of Chicago, Raoul Nitti and his boys were turning out amphetamines to be sold illegally at a nearby high school.
[As Winchell narrates, the card dissolves to the warehouse, where Nitti's henchmen are escorting a high school student in]
Raoul Nitti: Okay kiddo, now you listen to me and listen good, see? You give two of these (holds up a bag full of cocaine) to every guy on the football team before the game. You'll be the big man on campus, huh?
Student: Thanks Mr. Nitti. I'll run right over! (runs out excitedly, one of the henchmen closing the door behind him)
Raoul Nitti: Well fellas, let's go over to the club, get a bite to eat, and see if the owner has wised up and scraped together our "protection money". (laughs)
Raoul Nitti: Shut up! Get going!
[Henchmen quickly stop laughing and leave, with Nitti following them]
Walter Winchell (V/O): Meanwhile, in a medicine cabinet warehouse across the street, Eliot Ness and his Untouchables watch the mobsters' every move.
[Dissolve to a close shot of Ness looking out a window with binoculars, pulling back gradually to reveal the entire window as Winchell speaks]
Eliot Ness: Rico, I can see them. There's a blue jay. A red warbler over there. (looks down) Lee! Rico! Youngblood!
[They come behind him one by one as he says their names]
Eliot Ness: Nitti and a couple of his goons are coming out of that warehouse. I think he's making his move. (puts down binoculars)
Rico: Say they're making their move, Eliot?
Eliot Ness: Right. Rico, let's trail 'em. I want to teach Nitti a lesson he'll have a long time to forget. (takes out his pistol)
Rico: Eliot, look! A red-winged blackbird.
[Dissolve to a restaraunt, where Nitti and his machine gun wielding henchmen are entering]
Walter Winchell (V/O): At 5:37 that afternoon, Nitti and his henchmen were threatening the owner of a south side restaraunt who owed them extortion money.
Restaraunt Owner: Please Mr. Nitti, I know I've been late but business has been bad!
Raoul Nitti: Yeah, well you ain't seen nothing yet. Wait till word gets around that every customer in your joint is gonna get killed. Ha ha ha! Angel...
[Angel, one of Nitti's henchmen, hides his gun under his jacket and approaches a patron]
Angel: Excuse me, ma'am. You enjoying your meal?
Patron #1: Yes, the meal is all right but the wine could be a bit drier.
Angel: Well, I'm sorry to hear it. (takes out his gun and shoots her)
Patron #1: Ooo! (gently falls down dead on the table)
Restaraunt Owner: All right, all right! You win! I'll have it by tomorrow.
Raoul Nitti: That's much bettter. Listen, you mind if I use the telephone?
Restaraunt Owner: No problem. Here's a nickel. (gives Nitti a nickel)
Raoul Nitti: Thank you very much. (goes to use the phone)
Angel: (approches a dining couple) Enjoying your meal.
Patrons #2 & #3: (talking over each other praising the meal)
Angel: I figure'd you'd like it. Heh heh.
Raoul Nitti: (talking on the phone) Hello, Lucy? How's Little Nitti? That's good. Listen, I want you to meet me in the warehouse in about a half an hour. And bring my machine gun with you. But bring the one with the real bullets. Don't bring the one with the blanks, all right? Okay honey, I'll see you then. (hangs up)
Walter Winchell (V/O): Meanwhile, across the street in the Westinghouse Building, Eliot Ness and his Untouchables maintain their vigil.
[Dissolve to Ness and Rico looking out a different window, this one decorated with flowery curtains. Ness is looking through binoculars]
Eliot Ness: Ah. I can see a Dutch freighter. Flying two, no, three flags. There's a Russian oil tanker. (looks down) Well, Nitti hasn't left the restaraunt yet.
[Cut to the inside of the building, a modern 1970's kitchen. Lee and Youngblood are throwing magnetic oven mitts at the refridgerator]
Eliot Ness: Rico, this sure is a strange place. What did you say they called this place?
Rico: Said it was "The Kitchen Of The Future".
Eliot Ness: Yeah...(looking around, then out the window) Lee! Rico! Youngblood! Looks like Nitti's leaving. (Youngblood continues to throw the oven mitts) Youngblood, please! Stop playing with those oven mitts. We're one step closer to tightening the noose around that rat's neck.
Rico: Eliot, look! (they all go to the window) A fireboat.
Walter Winchell (V/O): At 6:09, Nitti was back at the warehouse. His female companion Lucy had just arrived bearing some bad news.
[In the warehouse, Lucy walks in carrying Nitti's machine gun with a sad look on her face]
Raoul Nitti: Ahh, hello sweetheart. You remembered my maching gun, that's nice of you dear. (notices Lucy's sad look) What's the matter with you? You look upset.
Raoul Nitti: What happened? Did you dent the car?
Raoul Nitti: Did the Capone people kidnap Little Nitti?
Raoul Nitti: WELL WHAT ARE YOU CRYING ABOUT???!!!
Lucy: They knocked off Fred and Ethel!
Raoul Nitti: (puts his gun down) It's about time.
Walter Winchell (V/O): At that moment, Eliot Ness and his Untouchables were making their final stakeout in the medicine cabinet warehouse across the street from the Nitti hideaway.
[Back to the warehouse window, where Rico is looking through the binoculars]
Rico: Eliot, they're making their move.
Eliot Ness: (looking around) Who, Nitti?
Rico: No, those two dames sunbathing on the roof.
Eliot Ness: (takes the binoculars) OK, men. It's time to put the stopper on Mr. Nitti.
[Cut to the inside of the warehouse]
Eliot Ness: All right, I'll go in there posing as that two-bit drug dealer we drilled last week. You guys come in from the rear. Let's synchronize our watches.
[They all look down at their watches]
Eliot Ness: What time is it, anyhow?
Walter Winchell (V/O): The time was 6:16.
Eliot Ness: OK, 6:16. You guys give me three minutes, then come in.
[Eliot exits, leaving his Untouchables slightly confused]
Rico: Is that three minutes from now, when he left, or when he said it?
Lee: I don't know. (pause) I don't have a watch.
[Back in Nitti's warehouse, Lucy is holding a machine gun and looking at a pair of congas]
Lucy: Do you still play these stupid drums?
Raoul Nitti: Nooo...that's the way we smuggle the stuff in from the Cuba.
[Nitti breaks open the skin on one of the congas and pulls out a huge bag full of cocaine. Nitti and Lucy laugh, but then there is a knock on the door.]
Raoul Nitti: See who that is, will you?
[One of the henchmen opens the door, and Ness walks in wearing a large black beard]
Eliot Ness: Mr. Nitti, my name's Peter Fonda. I believe you're expecting me to pick up some illegal narcotics.
Raoul Nitti: No, no, I am not and I have never seen or heard of you before.
Eliot Ness: You haven't?
Raoul Nitti: No.
Eliot Ness: Lee! Rico! Youngblood! You must have given me the wrong information!
Angel: Wait a minute, boss. This guy ain't no drug dealer. He's Eliot Ness!
[Angel goes over to Eliot and pulls off his beard]
Angel: He sent me up the river five years ago.
Raoul Nitti: Well now Mr. Ness, you are not only a stupid man. You are also a dead man! (to Lucy) Give me my gun, sweetheart.
Eliot Ness: Lee! Rico! Youngblood!
[The Untouchables don't come to Eliot's aide. Lucy hands Nitti his machine gun, and he fires an entire round of ammunition into Ness, but nothing happens]
Raoul Nitti: YOU GAVE ME THE ONE WITH THE BLANKS!!!
Walter Winchell (V/O): And little did Nitti realize that at that moment, the Untouchables were climbing the back stairs to get the jump on Nitti and his henchmen.
Raoul Nitti: You hear that boys? The lousy cops are coming the back way! Let 'em have it!
[Lee, Rico, and Youngblood rush in. Rico kills Lucy, and Lee and Youngblood kill Nitti's henchmen]
Raoul Nitti: Lucy! Are you all right?
[Eliot takes out one of the bags of cocaine and tastes it]
Eliot Ness: This stuff's as pure as it comes. Best I've ever tasted. Too bad it's against the law.
Raoul Nitti: Well, that's my own private stuff, you know? I'm going on a diet.
Eliot Ness: You'll have plenty of time to diet where you're going, Nitti.
Walter Winchell (V/O): Little did Nitti know that one month later, Nitti would escape federal agents...
Eliot Ness: Where's that voice coming from? Lee, Rico, Youngblood, find that voice!
[Winchell continues talking as the Untouchables search the warehouse. After they clear away a stack of wooden crates, they find Walter Winchell sitting behind a desk, reading off a sheet of paper into an NBC microphone]
Walter Winchell: ...arch enemy in a nursing home scandal that would rock the Jewish community. (abruptly stops when he sees Ness)
[Ness fires multiple shots into Winchell, who exclaims "Ah!" and "Oh!" each time. When he is done, Winchell goes back to the mic]
Walter Winchell: Walter Winchell was shot by federal officers. His condition is fatal. (collapses onto his desk)
[Dissolve back to the Untouchables title card. Applause, fade]
Submitted by: Dan Pascoe