Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 14

75n: Desi Arnaz / Desi Arnaz, Jr.

Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

.....Chevy Chase

Announcer: And now, "Weekend Update" with Chevy Chase. Substituting for vacationing Chevy Chase, is his sister Rita.

Chevy Chase: [ grinning ] Actually -- Rita is on vacation. I'll be right with you. [ into phone ] Honey... it's not what tune you hum... it's just how you hum. Okay. [ he hangs up ] Good evening! I'm Chevy Chase, and you -- you're merely a statistic!

Our top story tonight: In New Hampshire today, President Ford said competently that he will not only win the Primary, but he will go on to win the Secondary.

Democratic candidate Fred Harris appears to be a sure bet over Birch Bayh, and a possible winner in New Hampshire. Though Udall and Carter do look stronger, Harris is decidely more liberal than the Georgia governor, and has commentd that he just can't see eye-to-eye with Udall. Harris visited a state prison in New Hampshire today. He is shown here singing "I Walk the Line", as part of his Johnny Cash impression.

Senator Edward M. Kennedy announced in a press conference today that he is still NOT a candidate, in case any of his supporters have forgotten, and that he will repeat the announcement at each primary this year to remind anyone who might consider writing him in.

[ Chevy grins sheepishly ]

A number of Jewish groups have been boycotting travel to Mexico after its UN's anti-Zionist vote last December, but have now lifted the boycott since the Mexican government announced this week that it does not equate Zionism with tourism.

Mohammed Ali easily retained his world heavyweight title last night by knocking out John Pierre Coopman in the fifth round of their bout. In the wake of the victory, the champ took time out to deny allegations that most of his recent fights have been with easy opponents who offer little opposition, insisting that all of his fights were against able and worthy opponents. The champ made these remakrs at a press conference to announce the scheduling of Ali's next title defense against Helen Hayes in the early Spring.

South Vietnamese government has seized more than 100,000 books, calendars with nude pictures, and Playboy Magazine as part of a campagn to "eradicate the depraved culture brought in by the Americans." Thry've also forbidden any Vietnamese to lock himself in the bathroom.

It was revealed today that the recent death of Teddy the koala bear was a suicide. Zoo officials close to the bear say he really did hate Quantas, and that he was despondent over the continuing death of Francisco Franco.

The airline gave Teddy a no-frills burial, consisting of no dinner, no movie, no oxygen, and a soft drink.

Despite oil company objections, the California Air Resources Board, Thursday, approved a program that would virtually eliminate harmful additives from motor fuel over the next four years. Their catchy slogan: "Get the lead out of your gas!"

Still to come: George Wallace picks a running mate. After this message.

[ dissolve into ad parody for Speed ]

[ return to newsdesk ]

Chevy Chase: This week, answering Ford's statement that he was too conservative to be a president, Ronald Reagan said that Ford had twice offered him posts in the administration before. Sources reveal that the posts were Secretary of Witchcraft and Director of the Pony Express.

Angered over the decision by Congress not to give him Julie's wedding dress, Richard Nixon has moved his family and staff to China. boarding the plane bearing a truckload of gifts for the Chinese, including boxes of old tape recordings and private records of campaign contributions, all of which he claims are of unique, historical value, Nixon smiled goodbye to the press for the last time, saying: "I am not a clook."

Iowa governor Robert D. Ray, yesterday, signed a legislation banning pay toilets in his state. Budget-concious Iowans, who had been holding out for five years, breathed a collective sigh of relief and celebrated in the only way they knew how.

Well, Henry Kissinger was taken out and shot today by a city firing squad. The charge? Overweight.

The trial of 22-year old newspaper heiress Patricia Hearst continues. Yesterday, Patty appeared in court modestly dressed in a simple two-piece floral outfit, her nails neatly manicured. Asked to comment on her new, well-groomed image, Patty tensely replied, "I was afraid if I didn't look nice, my mother would kill me."

Chevy Chase: Reporting from San Francisco, is correspondent Horst Bucall:

[ cut to ARTIST'S RENDERING of trial -- black and white footage of an old Betty Boop cartoon set in court ]

V/O: Patricia Hearst's chief prosecutor asked her one question too many today, inadvertently opening the door to testimony, while describing to a heretofore uninformed jury how the Hearst estate has been bombed, and threats have been made on her life and the lives of her parents if they do not put a quarter of a million dollars into a defense fund for William and Emily Harris. As a hushed courtroom listened, Patty responded to the question: "What do you mean, Miss Hearst?", following her answer to an earlier question, in which she said: "It's happening in the streets right now." The plaintiff was referring to further SLA activity, that has been taking place in spite of the belief by some members that the terrorist group are all either in custody, or dead.

[ cut back to Chevy, holding his nose as he speaks ]

Chevy Chase: This is correspondent Horst Bucall reporting from San -- [ he sees the camera and lets go of his nose ] Francisco.

Well, that's the news tonight. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[ fade ]

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