Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 15






75o: Jill Clayburgh / Leon Redbone

Andy Kaufman

... Jill Clayburgh
... Andy Kaufman

[Host Jill Clayburgh stands at Home Base, in front of a red curtain, and speaks into a microphone atop a mike stand at center stage.]

Jill Clayburgh: Well, our next guest has been on the show several times and, for what he's doing tonight, he needs four people, uh, volunteers from the audience. And I'm gonna choose them. Don't all raise your hands at once. Let's see now, there's-- Ohhhh. [nervous laughter from audience, Clayburgh points into the crowd] You! You have been chosen. Come on up. [one by one, chosen audience members walk on stage and stand with Clayburgh] And what about you? Would you like to do it? Come on. Yeah, yeah. Just come stand over here and be ready for anything and-- it'll be painless. And, let's see, uh, would you like to be on? Yeah, come on up. And, uh, oh, I think I'll pick a girl. Oh! I saw you looking away. Come on. Okay. [arranges the volunteers in a line] Oh, here, now, you stand - you stand here -- I know about this -- boy, girl, boy, girl. You, you stand here. [the four volunteers, two men and two women, all young people, are lined up across the stage, with three on one side of the microphone stand and one on the other] And I think that's it. Ladies and gentlemen, Andy Kaufman.

[Clayburgh leads the applause for Kaufman who enters wearing sneakers, a dark suit, with a blue shirt and necktie, and a farmer's straw hat. Clayburgh exits as Kaufman stands at his portable phonograph, sitting on a table at one side of the stage. He puts the needle on the record: a children's 78 rpm disc from the Peter Pan Records label featuring Billy Williams and His Cowboy Rangers singing "Oh, Susanna" on one side and "Old MacDonald" on the other. Kaufman moves to the mike stand as the scratchy record revolves and lip-syncs to the singer, Mr. Billy, much to the amusement of the audience and the volunteers lined up behind him.]

Mr. Billy: [sings] Old MacDonald had a farm E-I-E-I-O!

[Kaufman raises his arm grandly on the final "E-I-E-I-O!" To the sound of a trotting horse, Kaufman trots in place and turns to face the pleasingly plump girl who stands alone on one side of the mike stand.]

Mr. Billy: Whoa!

[Kaufman stops lip-synching and acts as if the plump girl is "Little Tex" and speaks to him. The plump girl just stands there grinning as Kaufman looks at her.]

Little Tex: Whoa! Oh, I like that song, Mr. Billy. Let's all it sing it, shall we?

[Kaufman lip-syncs as if speaking to the plump girl.]

Mr. Billy: All right, Little Tex. [Kaufman turns to the other volunteers and lip-syncs] Are you ready, boys? [Kaufman bobs up and down, lip-synching at the microphone as Mr. Billy sings the first verse:]
Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O
And on this farm he had some chicks, E-I-E-I-O
With a chick-chick here and a chick-chick there
And a here a chick there a chick, everywhere a chick-chick
Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O


[Kaufman steps away from the mike as he finishes the verse (as always, raising his arm grandly on the final "E-I-E-I-O!") and turns to the plump girl, leading her up to the mike.]

Mr. Billy: [speaks] All right, Little Tex. It's your turn.

[After a moment of surprise, the plump girl gamely throws herself into lip-synching the next verse as Little Tex sings:]

Little Tex:
Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O
And on that farm he had some ducks, E-I-E-I-O
[audience applauds her]
With a quack-quack here and a quack-quack there
And a here a quack there a quack, everywhere a quack-quack


[Kaufman smoothly glides in front of the plump girl to pick up the next part to much applause from the crowd.]

Mr. Billy:
With a chick-chick here and a chick-chick there
And a here a chick there a chick, everywhere a chick-chick
Old MacDonald had a farm E-I-E-I-O


[Kaufman again raises his arm grandly on the final "E-I-E-I-O!" - and then guides the next volunteer in line -- a thin, bespectacled guy -- up to the mike and lip-synchs to him.]

Mr. Billy: [speaks] Well, I guess you're next, Joe.

[Bespectacled guy lip-synchs along with the record as a goofy "hick" voice sings:]

Joe:
Well, Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O
And on that farm he had some turkeys, E-I-E-I-O
With a gobble-gobble here and a gobble-gobble there
And a here a gobble, there a gobble, everywhere a gobble-gobble


[Kaufman pushes the bespectacled guy away and pulls the plump girl to the mike where she animatedly lip-synchs her part:]

Little Tex:
Quack-quack here and a quack-quack there
And a here a quack there a quack, everywhere a quack-quack


[Kaufman glides in and lip-synchs his verse to more applause as the plump girl cracks up laughing behind him.]

Mr. Billy: With a chick-chick here and a chick-chick there
And a here a chick there a chick, everywhere a chick-chick
Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O


[Kaufman leads a thin girl to the mike and lip-synchs to her:]

Mr. Billy: [speaks] Now, it's your turn, Eddie.

[Thin girl lip-synchs her verse to a deep masculine voice:]

Eddie:
Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O
And on that farm he had some pigs, E-I-E-I-O
With a oink-oink here and a oink-oink there
Here an oink there an oink, everywhere a oink-oink


[Thin girl, nearly breaking up with laughter, is pushed away by Kaufman who guides the bespectacled guy to the mike to lip-sync his part:]

Joe:
Gobble-gobble here and a gobble-gobble there
And a here a gobble, there a gobble, everywhere a gobble-gobble


[Bespectacled guy almost retreats too early and Kaufman has to drag him back toward the mike and then push him away to make room for the plump girl who needs little coaxing to do her verse:]

Little Tex:
Quack-quack here and a quack-quack there
And a here a quack there a quack, everywhere a quack-quack


[Applause for her enthusiastic effort as Kaufman glides in again:]

Mr. Billy:
With a chick-chick here and a chick-chick there
And a here a chick there a chick, everywhere a chick-chick
Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O


[By now, all the volunteers are grinning and clearly having a good time. The final volunteer, a dark-haired guy, moves to the mike with no prompting, though Kaufman lip-synchs to him:]

Mr. Billy: [speaks] Now, what do you have to say, Gabe?

[Dark-haired guy at the mike does a serviceable job:]

Gabe:
Well, Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O
And on this farm he had a cow, E-I-E-I-O
With a moo-moo here and a moo-moo there
Here a moo, there a moo, everywhere a moo-moo


[Dark-haired guy withdraws as Kaufman drags in the thin girl:]

Eddie:
Oink-oink here and a oink-oink there
Here an oink there an oink, everywhere a oink-oink


[Thin girl looks quizzically at Kaufman for approval and retreats as he guides the bespectacled guy, who has already started lip-synching, to the mike:]

Joe:
Gobble-gobble here and a gobble-gobble there
And a here a gobble, there a gobble, everywhere a gobble-gobble


[Bespectacled guy gets some applause but forgets to do the last part of his last line. Kaufman sends in the plump girl who gets another round of applause for her spirited performance:]

Little Tex:
Quack-quack here and a quack-quack there
And a here a quack there a quack, everywhere a quack-quack


[Kaufman glides in for the last time:]

Mr. Billy:
With a chick-chick here and a chick-chick there
And a here a chick there a chick, everywhere a chick-chick

[By now the audience is clapping along with the song]
Old MacDonald had a farm E-I-E-I-O

[Song ends. Much applause which drowns out a moment of the record and also Jill Clayburgh who returns to thank the volunteers. Kaufman waves to the audience and lip-synchs the following:]

Mr. Billy: [speaks] I'll see you later, cowboys and cowgirls!

[Applause continues as the volunteers return to their seats and Kaufman and Clayburgh exit the stage in opposite directions, trotting, to the sound of hoof beats from the end of the record. Pull back a little and fade out.]


Submitted Anonymously


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