Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 16





75p: Anthony Perkins / Betty Carter

Norman Bates School of Motel Management

Written by: Michael O'Donoghue

Norman Bates.....Anthony Perkins

[ open in an eerie, old motel room ]

Norman Bates: [ to camera ] Are you tired of slaving away in a dull, dead-end job? Fed up with meager paychecks that never stretch quite far enough? Sickened and disgusted by missing out on the good things of life? Hi, I'm Norman Bates for The Norman Bates School of Motel Management, here to explain how you can be your own boss while earning money in this rapidly-expanding field. Best of all, you learn at home, right in the privacy of your own shower. I'll show you how to run anything from a tourist home to.. [ camera pans to scary-looking duck trophy on the wall, then back to Norman ] ..a multi-unit motor inn. You'll recieve step-by-step instructions.. [ camera pans to scary-looking owl trophy on the wall, then back to Norman ] ..on how to make reservations and how to determine room rates, how to change the linen, and even little-known tricks of the trade, such as improving customer relations by giving guests a complimentary newspaper in the morning. [ holds up newspaper that reads "Los Angeles Times: SLASHER STRIKES AGAIN!" ]

Yes, a diploma in motel management can be your passport to prosperity, independence, and security, but are you motel material? Let's find out with a simple quiz.

Question 1: A guest loses the key to her room. Would you
A) Give her a duplicate key
B) Let her in with your passkey
C) Hack her to death with a kitchen knife

Question 2: Which of the following is the most important in running a successful motel?
A) Cordial atmosphere
B) Courteous service
C) Hack ker to death with a kitchen knife

Question 3: How many.. [ holds newspaper over his mouth, and speaks in an old lady's voice ] Important phone call, Norman. [ puts down newspaper, resumes regular voice ] What, Mother? [ puts newspaper over his mouth again ] Important phone call! [ puts newpaper down, and resumes normal voice ] Well, I've got to go, I have an important phone call! Just one of dozens I get every week as a fully-qualified motel manager. And if you would like to beome one, too, simply send your name and address to "The Norman Bates School of Motel Management, Old Highway, Fairvale, California.."

[ suddenly becomes nervous and shaky ]

There's no obligation whatsoever.. and-and-and no salesman will call.. so-so y-y-y-y-you don't have to b-b-bo-bother to lock your door, you know-you can-you can leave it off the latch. Or lock it! That's fine, I don't care! I don't care if you lock it, 'cause I have the keys! [ jiggles the keys nervously ] I have the keys right here! I have the key to Room 1, the key to Room 2, the key to Room 3.. [ hits bell, holds newspaper to mouth, and speaks in old lady's voice again ] Norman! [ resumes normal voice ] Coming, Mother. [ throws newspaper down and runs out door ]

[ fade to black ]


Submitted by: Tony Dumont


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