Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 17

75q: Ron Nessen / Patti Smith

Jam Hawkers

Written by: Michael O'Donoghue

.....Jane Curtin
.....Chevy Chase
.....Dan Aykroyd
.....John Belushi
.....Garrett Morris

Jane Curtin: . . . And so, with a name like Fluckers, itís got to be good

Chevy Chase: Hey, hold on a second, I have a jam here called Nose Hair. Now with a name like Nose Hair, you can imagine how good it must be. MMM MMM!!

Dan Aykroyd: Hold it a minute folks, but are you familiar with a jam called Death Camp? Thatís Death Camp! Just look for the barbed wire on the label. With a name like Death Camp it must be so good itís incredible! Just amazingly good jam!

John Belushi: Wait a minute . . . Dog Vomit, Monkey Pus. We offer you a choice of two of the most repulsive brand names of jams youíve ever heard of. With names like these, this stuff has got to be terrific. Weíre talking fabulous jam here!

Chevy Chase: Save your breath fella! Hereís a new jam weíve just put out. Itís called Painful Rectal Itch. Youíd have to go a long way to find a worse name for a jam. And good? MMM WAH! With a name like Painful Rectal Itch you gotta bet that itís great . . .

Dan Aykroyd: Mangled Baby Ducks. Thatís right, Mangled Baby Ducks! Picture a jam so good that youíd dare to call it Mangled Baby Ducks! Great Jam! Itís beautiful jam!

John Belushi: Wait a minute, wait a minute, this is it - 10,000 Nuns and Orphans.

Jane Curtin: 10,000 Nuns and Orphans? Whatís so bad about that?

John Belushi: They were all eaten by rats! Oh, itís so good! MMM!

Garrett Morris: Hold it, hold it everyone, your attention please, I have here a jam called, Oh God, [mumbles] Ick! Yecch!

Dan Aykroyd: Itís so good itís sick making!

Chevy Chase: Oh, thatís gotta be great jam!

Jane Curtin: So if itís great jam youíre after, try this one, the brand so disgusting you canít say it on television. Ask for it by name!

Submitted by: Lisa Kemper

SNL Transcripts