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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 17





75q: Ron Nessen / Patti Smith

Lie Detector Test

Julie Nixon.....Gilda Radner
David Eisenhower.....Dan Aykroyd

[ open on close-up of polygraph machine ]

Julie Nixon V/O: Alright, David, are you ready to get started?

David Eisenhower V/O: Yes! I'm ready to get started!

Julie Nixon V/O: Alright. Now: Is it true that your name is David Eisenhower?

David Eisenhower V/O: [ annoyed ] Julie, why can't you just trust me? Why do I have to take a lie detector test?! Why couldn't I just --

Julie Nixon V/O: David, just answer Yes or No!

David Eisenhower V/O: [ irritably ] Yes! My name is David Eisenhower!

Julie Nixon V/O: Is it true that you're 29 years old?

David Eisenhower V/O: Yes!

Julie Nixon V/O: Is it true that you're the son-in-law of Richard Nixon?

David Eisenhower V/O: Yes!

Julie Nixon V/O: And is it true that you were privy to a lot of family secrets during my father's term in office?

David Eisenhower V/O: Well, sure! But I --

Julie Nixon V/O: Do you know Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein of the Washington Post?

David Eisenhower V/O: Yeah. But I know a LOT of reporters!

Julie Nixon V/O: Did you ever tell them that Daddy was going bananas?

David Eisenhower V/O: NO!

[ the needles jump slightly ]

Julie Nixon V/O: Did you ever tell them that Dad used to say "Good night" to the portraits hanging in the White House?

David Eisenhower V/O: [ innocently ] Did he do that?

Julie Nixon V/O: [ sternly ] Yes or No, David!

David Eisenhower V/O: No! Never!

[ the needles jump a little higher ]

Julie Nixon V/O: Did you ever tell them that Daddy and Mommy never -- well... you know -- for fourteen years?

David Eisenhower V/O: [ aggravated ] Didn't what for fourteen years?!

Julie Nixon V/O: Well... what you and I did on our honeymoon.

David Eisenhower V/O: [ thinking ] Watched "Adam-12"?

Julie Nixon V/O: Noooo. After that! At night. You remember.

David Eisenhower V/O: Gosh... no. I wouldn't tell anybody anything like that.

[ the needles jump higher ]

David Eisenhower V/O: H-how'm I doing?

Julie Nixon V/O: Fine.

David Eisenhower V/O: Good!

Julie Nixon V/O: Alright, one more question.

David Eisenhower V/O: [ relieved ] Only one more? That's too bad! This is fun!

[ the needles jump slightly ]

Julie Nixon V/O: David... do you want a divorce?

David Eisenhower V/O: No.

[ the needles jump, roughing up some of the edges of the printout ]

Julie Nixon V/O: You twerp. We could never get divorced, anyway.

David Eisenhower V/O: Why not?

Julie Nixon V/O: It would be terrible for Daddy's image.

[ fade ]


SNL Transcripts