Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 18






75r: Raquel Welch / John Sebastian

Awards Sketch

.....Chevy Chase

Chevy Chase: And now, our final category! In the category of Best Performance By An Actor In A Political Campaign, the nominees are: Jimmy Carter, for his use of the term "ethnic purity"; Henry Jackson, for the most forgettable stance on any issue; Ronald Reagan, for not making any more movies; Gerald Ford, for shortening the nation's attention span; George Wallace, for his undying devotion to civil rights; Morris Udall, for his clever choice of the name "Moe"; Hubert Humphrey, for his new, fresh, young idealism; Jerry Brown, for ring around the collar; and Edward M. Kennedy, for his form decision not to run - yet.

May I have the envelope, please? [ envelope is handed from off-stage ] Thank you. [ opens envelope ] And the winner is.. [ reading card, confused ] What is this, "Get to the fall, Chevy"? I don't believe this.. uhh.. look, I wrote - excuse me. I wrote this piece, this is suposed to be the punchline to the piece - the punchline on the card. I'm a writer. I'm not just the guy who falls and does this newscaster, and, frankly, I'm hurt, and I don't think it's funny. And, um.. I' mean, I'm a political satirist, not some guy who just falls for you guys around here - producer Lorne Michaels. And I'd like the correct card, in the correct envelope. You know, there's a punchline to this sketch, I'd like the right tag, please, if you don't mind. I'm sorry. I'll wait.. I'll wait. I'd like the right card. I'll wait. Sorry to keep the country waiting. This is not my idea. I will wait for the envelope, for the punchline.

[ new envelope is handed to Chevy, he seizes it from the stagehand ]

And the winner is.. [ reads card ] "Don't stretch this out, Chevy, get to the fall.." [ angry, crumples card ] That is it! I.. I'm.. I'm out of this, I'm walking.. [ starts to exit stage into the path of some folding chairs, then retreats back to re-address the audience ] I'll tell you something.. I'll tell you something! I am not just a physical comedian - television comedy - I.. I'm walking.. thank you, I've loved doing the show, you're great people, thanks a great deal!

[ Chevy exits stage, stumbling over the folding chairs that were in his path, and falling down a short flight of stairs to the floor ]

"Live, from New York, it's Saturday Night!"


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