Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 19




75s: Madeline Kahn / Carly Simon

Not For Ladies Only

Barbra Walters.....Gilda Radner
Marlene Dietrich.....Madeline Kahn

Barbra Walters: Good evening, and welcome to "Not For Wadies Only". I'm Baba Wawa, and tonight we'll be talking to an actual wiving wegend - the incwedible Mawene Dietrich.

Marlene Dietrich: Thank you. It's gweat to be heah.

Barbra Walters: Mawene, what is it wike to be wiving wegend?

Marlene Dietrich: Wet me just say, it's been a weawy wich expewience.

Barbra Walters: I'm so impwessed. Mawene.. you are so with and swender. How do you stay so swim?

Marlene Dietrich: Swimming keeps me swim. My daily wegimen incwudes swimming twelve waps in my pool. It's wonderful for my wegs.

Barbra Walters: Mawene, tell us the secwet of your perpetual youth.

Marlene Dietrich: I only eat healthy foods. I get massaged weguwally, and.. I've had evewything wifted.

Barbra Walters: [ incredulous ] You mean you've had your wegs wifted?!

Marlene Dietrich: Evewything, even my weah.

Barbra Walters: Your what?

Marlene Dietrich: My weah.

Barbra Walters: Your wear?

Marlene Dietrich: What?

Barbra Walters: Dwop it.

Marlene Dietrich: You bwought it up. [ laughing in ] Of course, wooking gwamowous on film isn't all beauty secwets. A wot of it is wighting. I do all my own wighting.

Barbra Walters: I didn't weawize you wote.

Marlene Dietrich: I don't. I wight.

Barbra Walters: You're weferring to.. [ moves her fingers as though typing ] ..typewriter witing, wight?

Marlene Dietrich: [ pointing to lights ] I'm weferring to ewectwic wighting. You see, in pictures, bwight wighting can be vewy unfwattering, particuwawy if it makes my wegs wook white. Baba, am I wong to want to appear wadiant?

Barbra Walters: No, that's very weasonable.. [ to herself ] Hawy Weasonuh.. Hawy Weasonuh.. five million dollars.. I'm wich! [ to camera ] Well, we've wun out of time. Before we go, I wanted to mention what a beautiful fur you have on. Is it mink?

Marlene Dietrich: No, it's just a silly wabbit.

Barbra Walters: Well, Mawene, it's been a weal pweasure. I thank you. [ into camera ] Don't forget to dwop in next week when our guest will be Elmer Fudd. Good night.


SNL Transcripts