75s: Madeline Kahn / Carly Simon
Written by: Marilyn Suzanne Miller
Madeline ... Madeline Kahn
Gilda ... Gilda Radner
Jane ... Jane Curtin
Laraine ... Laraine Newman
[In a darkened suburban living room, four prepubescent
girls huddle with sleeping bags, pillows, a
flashlight, etc., around a sofa.]
Madeline: ... so then the man gets bare naked in bed
with you and you both go to sleep, which is why they
call it "sleeping together." Then you both wake up and
the man says, "Why don't you slip into something more
comfortable?" No, wait a second, um, no, I think that
comes, uh, before. Anyways, it's not important, it's
not important. Anyway, then, uh, the man says--
[A light comes on and the voice of Gilda's mother
calls from upstairs:]
Voice of Mother: Gilda, it's five A.M.! When does the noise stop?
Gilda: We're - we're goin' to sleep now, Mom!
Voice of Mother: What are you talking about at this hour?
Voice of Mother: Well, save it for the morning!
[The light goes out and Gilda puts a finger to her
lips to quiet the other girls.]
Jane: [to Madeline] And then the man ...?
Madeline: Anyway, then the man-- [she whispers into
the other girls' ears, they make loud retching noises,
totally disgusted: "Ewww! Aaaagh!"]
Laraine: That's disgusting!
Madeline: And then you scream and then he screams and
then it's over.
Laraine: Ohhhhgggghh! That's DISGUSTING!
Gilda: You lie, Madeline!
Madeline: Cross my heart and hope to die. My brother
told me 'bout it in my driveway.
Gilda: Yeah, but your brother lies, Madeline!
Madeline: No, si-ir!
Jane: Isn't - isn't he the one that said if you chew
your nails and then swallow them, a hand will grow in
Madeline: Well, it is also true because I happen to
have read it in this book.
Jane: [skeptical] What did it sa-ay?
Madeline: It sa-id ... the first step in human
reproduction is: the man-- [again, she whispers into
the other girls' ears, again they retch loudly in
disgust: "Ewww! Aaaagh!"]
Laraine: Eww! That's DISGUSTING! Aaaggghh!
Madeline: It's tru-ue!
Jane: Well, I just know it can't be true because
nothing that sickening is true.
Madeline: Boogers are true.
Gilda: Well, I mainly don't believe it because my
sister told me she heard that there's this girl that
this guy jumped out of the bushes and forced her to
have a baby.
Gilda: I don't know. He - he just said, "Have a baby,
Madeline: Sure, sure. Sure, Gilda. And you think that
that would work if I - if I did it to you, then?
Gilda: [suddenly tense] Don't, okay?
Madeline: Don't worry about it 'cause I won't. Anyway,
it doesn't - it wouldn't even work because that is not
the way it is done. How it is done is, the man--
Laraine: Oh, don't say it again, okay? I just ate half
a pizza, okay?
Gilda: So that's why people are born naked?
Laraine: God, but how could you face the guy
afterwards? I mean, wouldn't you be so embarrassed?
Jane: I'd have to kill myself right after. I mean, I
get embarrassed when I know with someone sitting next
to me they could see inside my ear.
Madeline: That is why you should only do it after you
are married because then you won't be so embarrassed
in front of your husband because - you will be in the
Laraine: Oh, yeah, now I really wanna get married -- not!
Madeline: But! But - the worst thing is -- our parents do it.
Gilda: Come on!
Madeline: Yes. Think about it. Just think about it. I
mean, none of us would be here unless our parents did
it at least once.
Jane: My parents did it at least twice. I have a sister.
Gilda: My parents did it at least three times. I have
a sister and a brother. But I - I know they didn't do
it because they wanted to. They did it because they
had to, to have children.
Madeline: They could have adopted.
Gilda: Yeah, but adopted children are such a pain. You
have to teach 'em to look like you.
Laraine: Well, my father would never do anything so
disgusting like that to my mom -- he's too polite.
Madeline: My father is polite. And we have six kids.
Laraine: Maybe he's not as polite as you think he is.
Jane: I wonder whose idea this was.
Jane: Oh, come on! God doesn't go around thinking up
sickening things for people to do.
Gilda: Maybe God makes us do it so we can appreciate
how good the rest of our life is.
Jane: Yeah, maybe!
Laraine: So - so, like, how long does it take?
Madeline: [rolls her eyes in disbelief] Stupid!
Depends on how big the girl's stomach is and how fast
she can digest.
Jane: Can you talk during it?
Madeline: [can't believe anyone would ask such a
stupid question] God... You have to hold your breath
or else it doesn't work.
[Laraine, who has been chewing gum and playing with
her hair throughout the sketch now takes a deep breath
and, with cheeks puffed out, holds it until the middle
of Gilda's next line.]
Jane: Well, I'm just telling my husband I'm not gonna
do it. Tough beansies, God!
Madeline: What if he says he will get divorced from
you if you don't do it?
Jane: I'd never marry anybody like that.
Madeline: Well, what if you did by accident? I mean,
what if you met him in a war and you married him real
fast because you felt sorry for him because he would
probably get killed, only he didn't get killed, and
then you would be stuck with him?
Gilda: Wait a minute, let's make this pact, right now,
that if we ever get married, and our husbands make us
do it, we'll call each other up on the phone every day
and talk a lot to keep our minds off of it, just like
our mothers do.
Laraine: Right, because it's DISGUSTING! Ooooaaggghhh!
Jane: Well, don't worry. We'll never have to keep this
pact because I know I'll never do it.
Gilda: Me, neither.
Madeline: Me, neither.
Laraine: [thinks about it, after a pause] I might.
[Jane's eyes open wide; Madeline and Gilda exchange
surprised glances. Audience applauds. Dissolve to a
wide shot of the set and pull back to reveal the
applauding audience as the actors rise and hurry off.
A superimposition reads: COMING UP NEXT ... RON NESSEN