75s: Madeline Kahn / Carly Simon

Slumber Party

Written by: Marilyn Suzanne Miller

Madeline ... Madeline Kahn
Gilda ... Gilda Radner
Jane ... Jane Curtin
Laraine ... Laraine Newman

[In a darkened suburban living room, four prepubescent girls huddle with sleeping bags, pillows, a flashlight, etc., around a sofa.]

Madeline: ... so then the man gets bare naked in bed with you and you both go to sleep, which is why they call it "sleeping together." Then you both wake up and the man says, "Why don't you slip into something more comfortable?" No, wait a second, um, no, I think that comes, uh, before. Anyways, it's not important, it's not important. Anyway, then, uh, the man says--

[A light comes on and the voice of Gilda's mother calls from upstairs:]

Voice of Mother: Gilda, it's five A.M.! When does the noise stop?

Gilda: We're - we're goin' to sleep now, Mom!

Voice of Mother: What are you talking about at this hour?

Gilda: School!

Voice of Mother: Well, save it for the morning!

[The light goes out and Gilda puts a finger to her lips to quiet the other girls.]

Jane: [to Madeline] And then the man ...?

Madeline: Anyway, then the man-- [she whispers into the other girls' ears, they make loud retching noises, totally disgusted: "Ewww! Aaaagh!"]

Laraine: That's disgusting!

Madeline: And then you scream and then he screams and then it's over.

Laraine: Ohhhhgggghh! That's DISGUSTING!

Gilda: You lie, Madeline!

Madeline: Cross my heart and hope to die. My brother told me 'bout it in my driveway.

Gilda: Yeah, but your brother lies, Madeline!

Madeline: No, si-ir!

Jane: Isn't - isn't he the one that said if you chew your nails and then swallow them, a hand will grow in your stomach?

Madeline: Well, it is also true because I happen to have read it in this book.

Jane: [skeptical] What did it sa-ay?

Madeline: It sa-id ... the first step in human reproduction is: the man-- [again, she whispers into the other girls' ears, again they retch loudly in disgust: "Ewww! Aaaagh!"]

Laraine: Eww! That's DISGUSTING! Aaaggghh!

Madeline: It's tru-ue!

Jane: Well, I just know it can't be true because nothing that sickening is true.

Madeline: Boogers are true.

Gilda: Well, I mainly don't believe it because my sister told me she heard that there's this girl that this guy jumped out of the bushes and forced her to have a baby.

Madeline: How?

Gilda: I don't know. He - he just said, "Have a baby, right now!"

Madeline: Sure, sure. Sure, Gilda. And you think that that would work if I - if I did it to you, then?

Gilda: [suddenly tense] Don't, okay?

Madeline: Don't worry about it 'cause I won't. Anyway, it doesn't - it wouldn't even work because that is not the way it is done. How it is done is, the man--

Laraine: Oh, don't say it again, okay? I just ate half a pizza, okay?

Gilda: So that's why people are born naked?

Jane: Yeah!

Laraine: God, but how could you face the guy afterwards? I mean, wouldn't you be so embarrassed?

Jane: I'd have to kill myself right after. I mean, I get embarrassed when I know with someone sitting next to me they could see inside my ear.

Madeline: That is why you should only do it after you are married because then you won't be so embarrassed in front of your husband because - you will be in the same family.

Laraine: Oh, yeah, now I really wanna get married -- not!

Madeline: But! But - the worst thing is -- our parents do it.

Gilda: Come on!

Madeline: Yes. Think about it. Just think about it. I mean, none of us would be here unless our parents did it at least once.

Jane: My parents did it at least twice. I have a sister.

Gilda: My parents did it at least three times. I have a sister and a brother. But I - I know they didn't do it because they wanted to. They did it because they had to, to have children.

Madeline: They could have adopted.

Gilda: Yeah, but adopted children are such a pain. You have to teach 'em to look like you.

Laraine: Well, my father would never do anything so disgusting like that to my mom -- he's too polite.

Madeline: My father is polite. And we have six kids.

Laraine: Maybe he's not as polite as you think he is.

Jane: I wonder whose idea this was.

Madeline: God's.

Jane: Oh, come on! God doesn't go around thinking up sickening things for people to do.

Gilda: Maybe God makes us do it so we can appreciate how good the rest of our life is.

Jane: Yeah, maybe!

Laraine: So - so, like, how long does it take?

Madeline: [rolls her eyes in disbelief] Stupid! Depends on how big the girl's stomach is and how fast she can digest.

Gilda: Oh.

Jane: Can you talk during it?

Madeline: [can't believe anyone would ask such a stupid question] God... You have to hold your breath or else it doesn't work.

[Laraine, who has been chewing gum and playing with her hair throughout the sketch now takes a deep breath and, with cheeks puffed out, holds it until the middle of Gilda's next line.]

Jane: Well, I'm just telling my husband I'm not gonna do it. Tough beansies, God!

Madeline: What if he says he will get divorced from you if you don't do it?

Jane: I'd never marry anybody like that.

Madeline: Well, what if you did by accident? I mean, what if you met him in a war and you married him real fast because you felt sorry for him because he would probably get killed, only he didn't get killed, and then you would be stuck with him?

Gilda: Wait a minute, let's make this pact, right now, that if we ever get married, and our husbands make us do it, we'll call each other up on the phone every day and talk a lot to keep our minds off of it, just like our mothers do.

Jane: Right!

Madeline: Right.

Laraine: Right, because it's DISGUSTING! Ooooaaggghhh!

Jane: Well, don't worry. We'll never have to keep this pact because I know I'll never do it.

Gilda: Me, neither.

Madeline: Me, neither.

Laraine: [thinks about it, after a pause] I might.

[Jane's eyes open wide; Madeline and Gilda exchange surprised glances. Audience applauds. Dissolve to a wide shot of the set and pull back to reveal the applauding audience as the actors rise and hurry off. A superimposition reads: COMING UP NEXT ... RON NESSEN REMEMBERS.]


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