75t: Dyan Cannon / Leon & Mary Russell
[ open on a wife and her lover making out on the couch, lover top on top. A car can be heard pulling up outside, but they don't seem to notice. ]
Wife: Mmm. Mmm. Nice. Mmm.
Lover: You sure this is okay? I mean, what if your husband comes home early? Is everything okay about this?
Wife: Sure! I'll just make up something.
[ they continue to kiss and fondle, as her husband enters the house ]
Husband: Angela? [ she and her over freeze in position ] Angela! How could you do this? I'll kill him! I'll kill him. I'll take him apart.
Wife: It's okay, he's dead. [ a beat ] Oh, uh.. I-I-I-I've been lying here screaming for help, but I guess my voice must have been muffled by his face.
Husband: Who is this guy? How did he die, anyway?
[ Husband tugs the lover's body, knocking him onto the floor ]
Wife: Darling, I'm so glad you're home! I was so frightened, I thought I was suffocating! I'm so glad you're home early.
Husband: Alright, just wait a minute, now. Who is this guy? Let's start from the beginning. How is he here, how did he die?
Wife: Well, he's, uh.. he's a delivery boy. He, uh.. I guess - I don't know. I guess he just had a heart attack or something, I don't know. What happened, he just fell on top of me gasping, and the next thing I knoew, I couldn't move.
Husband: Well, what was he delivering?
Wife: [ looking about the room ] That lamp.
Husband: That lamp?
Husband: We've had that lamp for twelve years.
Wife: Yes, I know, honey, and I know how much you love that lamp. and this afternoon, when I was in the kitchen, ironing your socks, uh.. the lamp - I was ironing it, and the board fell over, and the thing fell on top of it, and, uh.. well, I went to have it fixed, you see, and he came to deliver it. He delivered it.
Husband: That lamp looks the same as it's always looked. It doesn't look any different.
Wife: That's because they fixed it.
Husband: They fixed it? This poor guy, I mean -- [ notices the body moving ] He's breathing! He's breathing! There's still life in this man!
Wife: I'll give him a little mouth-to-mouth.
[ the wife and her lover slowly build to a passionate kiss in front of her husband ]
Husband: I think he's coming around, uh.. okay, uh.. [ pulls the lover to his feet ] You had a narrow brush there, my friend.
Wife: You're okay.
Husband: You're okay.
Wife: You're alright now, are you okay?
Husband: Where am I?
Wife: Delivery man, are you okay?
Lover: Well, thank you so much, I don't know.. I must have - close to death. I don't know how I can repay you.. I know! I won't charge you for the lamp! See ya'! [ tries to make a quick exit ]
Husband: Excuse me just a minute there, pal. I'd just like one question answered: how come a guy who delivers a lamp has a car wash sign on his back?
Lover: Well, there's really not much money in lamp delivery.
Husband: Well, uh.. alright.
Husband: Hey, wait, wait, wait, please! I just want a simple explanation here, okay?
Lover: Sure thing, yes.
Husband: Uh, now, let's just all relax here, because this is --
Wife: Darling, he's a medical student!
Lover: -- entirely an innocent mistake, I am a medical student. And medical school being expensive, as it is, I had to, uh.. as it were, I got to go wash cars, deliver lamps, anything to pay for it.
Husband: Uh-huh, uh-huh..
Lover: And, of course, you know he president has called for a massive, uh.. innoculation, because of the swine flu, uh, all over the country, and I had to volunteer and I'm supposed to innoculate the entire neighborhood. In fact, I don't have much time, I'd better get out there and innoculate.
Husband: Uh, yeah, yeah. Swine flu, but, uh --
Wife: Yes, darling, and there's a lot of it going around.
Lover: Oh, boy..
Husband: Well, uh, I don't understand how you ended up top of my wife, that's all. I mean, uh..
Lover: Well, I have been working so hard at this, I must have passed out, I'm really sorry --
Wife: That's right, honey! We were innoculating when you came in!
Lover: That is true. That is the truth, that is the honest truth.
Husband: Okay, I see. I'm sorry I got a little upset. I mean, the swine flu thing is important, I guess. It's just got us all a little crazy!
[ they all laugh together at the silliness of their situation ]
Lover: Well, yeah, you're a very understanding man, and I thank you, and I guess I'd better be on my way. [ shakes husband's hand ] Thank you very much. Goodbye, Angie. [ kisses her on the lips, then turns to leave ]
Husband: [ catching on ] Wait a minute! What's this business with Angie! How do you know her name!
Lover: Let me see those eyes.. [ grabs Husband's eyes ]
Husband: [ alarmed ] What's wrong with my eyes?
Lover: Let me see those eyes.
Wife: [ also grabs her husband's eyes ] Oh, my God, darling!
Lover: You're a little dilated here.
Wife: Oh, darling!
Lover: I think you'd better sit down here.
[ Husband is seated on the couch ]
Wife: The eyes underneath, they don't look so good. Maybe I should get some hot water?
Husband: [ frantic ] What's wrong? What's wrong?!
Lover: You're perspiring a little bit, and I think your pulse is just a ltitle bit high. You might just have a touch of the swine flu.
Husband: The swine flu?! I've got it?!
Lover: You might have it.
Husband: Swine flu? I've got it?
Lover: He could use an innoculation.
Wife: An innoculation!
Lover: Now, look, I've got plenty of vaccine in my truck. You wait here, and I'll get it. We'll take care of this right away.
Husband: [ excited ] The swine flu! I've got it!
Lover: You'll be alright, you just wait here, I'll get that vaccine [ exits house ]
Husband: I'm one of the first waves to get it!
Wife: I think it's gonna be alright.
Husband: I've been thinking about it all day, I've been so worried it all day, you know, thinking about it. But I guess I was lucky to walk in here, with the presidential innoculator in my own home! That's luck!That's real luck!
Wife: Yes.. yes.
[ sound of a car driving away ]
Husband: So, uh.. he'll just give me a shot, and, uh.. [ a beat ] I don't think he's coming back.. somehow.
Husband: The innoculator!
Wife: The what?
Husband: The medical student, with the car wash, who-who-who delivers lamps! Who-who, uh..
Wife: What lamp? We've had that lamp for twelve years. Come on, darling - supper is ready. [ exits into kitchen ]
Husband: [ momentarily confused ] Supper! Yeah. I should eat something. I've got an appetite, that's a good sign! Maybe, maybe I don't have it! Maybe I don't got that old swine! [ happy; relieved ] Yeah! [ stands triumphantly ]
[ camera zooms out to reveal wide shot of set, audience in foreground. Dan Aykroyd runs off the set. ]
[ SUPER: "Is Golf As Dull As It Looks?" ]