Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 20

75t: Dyan Cannon / Leon & Mary Russell

Bathwater of the Stars

Written by: Michael O'Donoghue

Cindy Cleavage.....Dyan Cannon
Roy Waddmaker.....Dan Aykroyd

[Bubbly blonde Cindy Cleavage sits in bathtub filled with bubbles -- in front of a Chroma-Key backdrop of giant soap bubbles -- smiling and addressing the camera:]

Cindy Cleavage: Ohhh! Hi! I'm Cindy Cleavage and right now I'm taking time out from my busy stage, screen and television schedule to luxurate-- luxuriate in a nice, hot bath! Oh, it's so soothing and my cares just melt away! And, best of all, this bath won't go down the drain, oh no! This bathwater will be sold by Roy Waddmaker's Bathtub of the Stars!

[Bespectacled Roy Waddmaker pops up from behind the tub, jumping his cue.]

Roy Waddmaker: That's right, Cindy!

Cindy Cleavage: Isn't that right, Roy?

Roy Waddmaker: And it will be joined by a pantheon of celebrity bathwater, all on sale, six days a week, in my air-conditioned store at the corner of Olympic Boulevard and Swall Drive in the heart of Beverly Hills. [Roy holds up various containers of bathwater throughout the rest of the sketch: jars, flagons, jugs, mugs, glasses, bottles, etc. The Chroma-Key soap bubbles are relplaced by a scrolling list of celebrities' names.]

Cindy Cleavage: Just look at that selection! Thousands to choose from! Enough bathwater to sink a battleship in and every drop of it personally approved by a notary public!

Roy Waddmaker: For pennies a day, you could be making herb tea with this bonded quart of Doug McClure! Filling your steam iron with this jar of Cicely Tyson! Or raising tropical fish in this gallon of Dan Duryea!

Cindy Cleavage: Or watering your lawn with Romy Schneider! Making ice cubes from Jay North! Filling your radiator with Howard Keel! Soaking your delicate underthings in Richard Crenna! Or gargling with Tatum O'Neal! And, gals, how'd you like to wash that man right into your hair with this generous jug of Warren Oates?!

Roy Waddmaker: And can you imagine -- CAN YOU IMAGINE?! -- chugging a chilled stein of Shelley Winters' bathwater? What a thrill! We have two-for-the-price-of-one combinations! We have Cher with Sonny! Cher with Chastity! Cher with Greg! Cher with David! And Cher with God knows who! We even have Cher with Willard! [holds up a dead rat] Ah, just kidding, folks! [tries to toss rat away but accidentally drops it into the tub, startling poor Cindy] Whoops! That went in the bath!

Cindy Cleavage: [screams, breaks up laughing, loses her place, finally recovers] Oh, but do you have anything for the man on my gift list, Roy?

Roy Waddmaker: No guy could resist this imported flagon of Fernando Lamas -- perfect for any occasion! [Chroma-Key soap bubbles return and Roy holds up a be-ribboned gift box] And what woman wouldn't be delighted to receive this seven star gift set with convenient purse-sized bottles of Dale Robertson, Kitty Carlisle, Jim Backus, Max von Sydow, Nipsey Russell, Nancy Kwan and Celeste Holm?! Mix and match -- it's your life -- nobody's the wiser!

Cindy Cleavage: And for you collectors looking for something a bit out of the ordinary, why not these matched pints of Paul Robeson's bathwater?! Incredible but true! [lowers her voice conspiratorially] And when these are gone, they'll be the last, folks, so a word to the wise.

Roy Waddmaker: A tip worth taking, Cindy! And if it's bargains you're after, quite frankly, we're OVERSTOCKED on Ida Lupino! Over fifty thousand gallons! Enough to fight an octopus in! And best offer takes it! So, whether it's a glass of Jeff Chandler to soak your dentures in ...

Cindy Cleavage: ... or just a bottle of Glenda Jackson to pour in a paper bag and drop out the window ...

Roy Waddmaker: Come to me! Come to me at Roy Waddmaker's Bathwater of the Stars in the heart of Beverly Hills! Serving your bathwater needs since 1974. [dissolve to and from a sign reading: Roy Waddmaker's BATHWATER OF THE STARS]

Cindy Cleavage: So, this is Cindy Cleavage saying, "Don't throw out the baby OR the bathwater!" [winks]

[Dissolve to audience applauding, zoom in on woman who smiles as she sees herself on the monitor with the words LOOKING FOR TRUTH superimposed on her image...]

Submitted Anonymously

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