75t: Dyan Cannon / Leon & Mary Russell
Bathwater of the Stars
Written by: Michael O'Donoghue
Cindy Cleavage.....Dyan Cannon
Roy Waddmaker.....Dan Aykroyd
[Bubbly blonde Cindy Cleavage sits in bathtub filled
with bubbles -- in front of a Chroma-Key backdrop of
giant soap bubbles -- smiling and addressing the
Cindy Cleavage: Ohhh! Hi! I'm Cindy Cleavage and right
now I'm taking time out from my busy stage, screen and
television schedule to luxurate-- luxuriate in a nice,
hot bath! Oh, it's so soothing and my cares just melt
away! And, best of all, this bath won't go down the
drain, oh no! This bathwater will be sold by Roy
Waddmaker's Bathtub of the Stars!
[Bespectacled Roy Waddmaker pops up from behind the
tub, jumping his cue.]
Roy Waddmaker: That's right, Cindy!
Cindy Cleavage: Isn't that right, Roy?
Roy Waddmaker: And it will be joined by a pantheon of
celebrity bathwater, all on sale, six days a week, in
my air-conditioned store at the corner of Olympic
Boulevard and Swall Drive in the heart of Beverly
Hills. [Roy holds up various containers of bathwater
throughout the rest of the sketch: jars, flagons,
jugs, mugs, glasses, bottles, etc. The Chroma-Key soap
bubbles are relplaced by a scrolling list of
Cindy Cleavage: Just look at that selection! Thousands
to choose from! Enough bathwater to sink a battleship
in and every drop of it personally approved by a
Roy Waddmaker: For pennies a day, you could be making
herb tea with this bonded quart of Doug McClure!
Filling your steam iron with this jar of Cicely Tyson!
Or raising tropical fish in this gallon of Dan Duryea!
Cindy Cleavage: Or watering your lawn with Romy
Schneider! Making ice cubes from Jay North! Filling
your radiator with Howard Keel! Soaking your delicate
underthings in Richard Crenna! Or gargling with Tatum
O'Neal! And, gals, how'd you like to wash that man
right into your hair with this generous jug of Warren
Roy Waddmaker: And can you imagine -- CAN YOU
IMAGINE?! -- chugging a chilled stein of Shelley
Winters' bathwater? What a thrill! We have
two-for-the-price-of-one combinations! We have Cher
with Sonny! Cher with Chastity! Cher with Greg! Cher
with David! And Cher with God knows who! We even have
Cher with Willard! [holds up a dead rat] Ah, just
kidding, folks! [tries to toss rat away but
accidentally drops it into the tub, startling poor
Cindy] Whoops! That went in the bath!
Cindy Cleavage: [screams, breaks up laughing, loses
her place, finally recovers] Oh, but do you have
anything for the man on my gift list, Roy?
Roy Waddmaker: No guy could resist this imported
flagon of Fernando Lamas -- perfect for any occasion!
[Chroma-Key soap bubbles return and Roy holds up a
be-ribboned gift box] And what woman wouldn't be
delighted to receive this seven star gift set with
convenient purse-sized bottles of Dale Robertson,
Kitty Carlisle, Jim Backus, Max von Sydow, Nipsey
Russell, Nancy Kwan and Celeste Holm?! Mix and match
-- it's your life -- nobody's the wiser!
Cindy Cleavage: And for you collectors looking for
something a bit out of the ordinary, why not these
matched pints of Paul Robeson's bathwater?! Incredible
but true! [lowers her voice conspiratorially] And when
these are gone, they'll be the last, folks, so a word
to the wise.
Roy Waddmaker: A tip worth taking, Cindy! And if it's
bargains you're after, quite frankly, we're
OVERSTOCKED on Ida Lupino! Over fifty thousand
gallons! Enough to fight an octopus in! And best offer
takes it! So, whether it's a glass of Jeff Chandler to
soak your dentures in ...
Cindy Cleavage: ... or just a bottle of Glenda Jackson
to pour in a paper bag and drop out the window ...
Roy Waddmaker: Come to me! Come to me at Roy
Waddmaker's Bathwater of the Stars in the heart of
Beverly Hills! Serving your bathwater needs since
1974. [dissolve to and from a sign reading: Roy
Waddmaker's BATHWATER OF THE STARS]
Cindy Cleavage: So, this is Cindy Cleavage saying,
"Don't throw out the baby OR the bathwater!" [winks]
[Dissolve to audience applauding, zoom in on woman who
smiles as she sees herself on the monitor with the
words LOOKING FOR TRUTH superimposed on her image...]