75u: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot

Beatles Offer II

Written by: Lorne Michaels

... Lorne Michaels
... Don Pardo

[Seated at his desk -- upon which is a large photo of a smiling Richard Nixon -- Lorne Michaels, wearing a green jacket and a yellow-and-red striped tie, addresses the camera.]

Lorne Michaels: Hi, I'm Lorne Michaels, producer of Saturday Night. A short while ago I went on the air and addressed myself to John, Paul, George, and Ringo -- the Beatles. At that time, I invited them to appear on Saturday Night and told them I was authorized by NBC to pay them in the sum of three thousand dollars. That was three thousand dollars for just three songs. Well, a month has gone by. We've heard from the Monkees, Freddy and the-- Freddy and the Dreamers, Herman's Hermits, Peter and Gordon, the Cowsills, and Lulu. But still no word from the Beatles. I'm not discouraged and neither is NBC. Because of the recent acclaim that Saturday Night has received, I was able to convince NBC to ... sweeten the pot. John, Paul, George, and Ringo -- we are now prepared to up the original offer to three thousand, two hundred dollars.

[holds a check up to the camera] Can we get a close-up of this check, please? Which camera is it on? [Of course, there is only one camera and Lorne doesn't even make a pretense of looking for another camera - we slowly zoom in on the check] Ah! As you can see, it's a check for three thousand, two hundred dollars made out to you, The Beatles. Off the record, this increase comes to an extra fifty dollars for each of you. That's if you split it equally -- I'm still not sure what your situation with Ringo is. [zoom out] Furthermore, NBC will also take care of your hotel accommodation. Don Pardo, tell the Beatles what they can expect when they come to get that check for three thousand, two hundred dollars.

Don Pardo: It'll be my pleasure, Lorne. First of all, the lads from Liverpool will be picked up by a radio-dispatched Checker cab [dissolve to a card with a cheaply-drawn cartoon of a cab under an awning that reads: LAGUARDIA AIRPORT] that will whisk them to Cross Town Motor Inn, [the card is pulled away to reveal another with a cheap graphic of a skyline labeled CROSSTOWN MOTOR INN] located in the heart of New York's fashionable garment district. Once there, they will check in [the card is pulled away to reveal another with a cheap drawing of a lobby chair and potted palm] in the recently renovated lobby and then it's off to their rooms via round-the-clock elevator service [new card: a cheap drawing of an elevator's floor indicator - apparently, the Cross Town Motor Inn has nine floors] where they'll be treated like royalty as pitchers of ice water [new card: a cheap cartoon of a uniformed bell hop carrying a tray of ice water] are hand-delivered to their rooms, and they can drink that water from glasses sanitized for their convenience. [new card: cartoon of water glasses filled with ice cubes but covered with plastic wrap] Oops! Ringo spilled a little something on his jacket? No problem -- not with prompt forty-eight-hour dry cleaning service! [new card: cartoon of suits in a dry cleaning bag] "In by Tuesday, out by Thursday!" And let's just put a shine on those shoes, too, [new card: cartoon of a piece of cloth and a pair of shoes] with a free shoe shine cloth. And, Lorne, since the Beatles will be staying in separate rooms, the four Mop Tops can still speak to each other [new card: cartoon of a telephone] as much as they want to because there is no charge for room-to-room calls. And, after a hard day's night, [new card: cartoon of a clock] the Beatles can sleep as late as they like with leisurely checkout time of ten A.M. That's the Cross Town Motor Inn, [new card: the Crosstown Motor Inn's skyline logo] a hotel tradition, hosting New York's visitors since 1971. Yeah, yeah, yeah! Back to you, Lorne.

Lorne Michaels: [dissolve back to Lorne at his desk] Thank you, Don Pardo. John, Paul, George, and Ringo, that's where we stand right now. Three thousand, two hundred dollars and free hotel accommodations. Now, it's your move. I've always respected you. You were always my favorite group and I've always liked Yoko, even at the beginning when things were difficult. I would like to see-- I would like to see you on Saturday Night and so would the American people. You know where I can be reached. I'm waiting for you. Thank you.