Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 1: Episode 21

75u: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot

Dell Stator's Toad Ranch Restaurant

Kenny Slungard ... Dan Aykroyd
1st Diner ... Jane Curtin
2nd Diner ... Buck Henry
Singers ... Gilda Radner, Laraine Newman

Kenny Slungard: [cowboy hat, Western string tie, vest, thick Western accent] In these days of runaway inflation, there aren't many family restaurants left with quality service and good food value. Now, we're talkin' about the kind of restaurant that doesn't sacrifice that Sunday dinner feelin' and still serves the family a tasty meal at home town prices. They just don't seem to be around any more. Except one: Dell Stator's 99 cent Toad Ranch! [sign on the wall reads: Dell Stator's Inc. 99 TOAD RANCH RESTAURANT -- also mounted on the wall: rifles, a chart showing the various cuts of toad meat, and a sign reading: ALL THE SALAD YOU CAN EAT - ALL THE SANGRIA YOU CAN DRINK] Hi, I'm Kenny Slungard, Chief Rustler for Dell Stator's 99 cent Toad Ranches, home of the world famous Dell Stator Toad Pit and the Dell Stator Patented Broiling Method where we can guarantee you the best 99 cent toad steak you'll ever eat. How? Because at every Dell Stator 99 cent Toad Ranch we breed our own toads right on the premises. [takes the top off a metal wash basin and holds it up to the camera -- inside are tiny real live toads] Like these plump young toad steers -- right here in one of the Stator Toad Pits, right here! Pick your own, just like I'm doin', right out of the Stator Toad Pit. [grabs a toad] All of Dell Stator's toads are butterfly- and firefly-fed, coated in Dell Stator's special sauce and [holds a couple of toads up to the camera] they are the only toads that are prepared using the Stator Patented Broiling Method in the world famous Stator Toad Pit, to give you and your family the thickest, juiciest toad steaks and roasts you've ever eaten. [walks over to two diners at a nearby table] All right, now. Ha ha! How is everything, folks?!

1st Diner: [mouth full] That's real tasty toad!

2nd Diner: [toad meat hanging out of his mouth] I can't think of a time when we've had better toad!

Kenny Slungard: Yeah! So come on down here to your local Dell Stator's 99 cent Toad Ranch and get in on that big bicentennial toad drive! Ho! Looks like this herd's just about ready here! [returns to the toad pit and lights up a flaming acetylene torch with a wink] Yeah! [starts to torch some toads]

Singers: [enter from either side of the screen, singing]
When you're at home or on the road
And you've got to stop when you crave that toad
Dell Stator's, Dell Stator's
Dell Stator's Family Toad Ranch!

Kenny Slungard: Yeah! And, you know, I'm the kind that LOVES to eat 'em raw! [dangles a wriggling toad over his mouth to the disgust of the audience]

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