Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 21













75u: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot

Samurai Tailor

Samurai Futaba.....John Belushi
Mr. Dantley.....Buck Henry

[ open on interior, tailor shop, as the Samurai screams while sticking pins in a mannequin and measuring its clothes ]

[ finally, the Samurai whips out his sword and slices the expressionless head off of the mannequin ]

Announcer: And now, another episode of "Samurai Tailor"!

[ suddenly, Mr. Dantley enters ]

Mr. Dantley: Hi! How you doing? [ the Samurai grunts ] I'm here for the second fitting of the tuxedo. [ the Samurai looks at him suspiciously ] You know. I'm the guy who's getting married? And, tonight's... the big night! [ he nudges the Samurai's shoulder ]

[ understanding, the Samurai "oohs" and slides his sword out of its sheath a couple of times ]

Mr. Dantley: We're all set. I told you about my fiancee, didn't I? She's a GREAT girl, you'd LOVE her. But, between you and me, I'm a little nervous.

[ the Samurai looks up curiously, as he cuts a sheet by tearing it between his teeth ]

Mr. Dantley: It sounds crazy, doesn't it? [ the Samuai nods ] I'm gonna go through with it. I don't care. Hey! I've gotta have that tuxedo. Is it ready? 'Cause you promised. The black one, uh, 36 short. [ the Samurai strains to recall ] Oh! I almost forgot. Here's the ticket. [ he pulls the ticket out of his pocket and hands it to the Samurai ]

[ the Samurai reacts joyously and smacks himself in the forehead, then screams in pain. He looks at sme tuxedos on the wall, poiting to each wrong color as Mr. Dantley says "No", then screams when he finds the correct tuxedo and chops the hangar off the wall with his sword. ]

Mr. Dantley: Yeah! That's the one! Anyway... marital bliss. I guess I'll really find out how blissful it is, huh?

[ the Samurai chuckles to himself as he helps put the tuxedo on Mr. Dantley ]

Mr. Dantley: You know, it's a shame -- it's a shame you didn't have more material, because it would be GREAT to have a vest. sort of a French-cut fancy vest in this Ricardo Montalban style, you know?

Samurai: Montalban?!

Mr. Dantley: Montalban.

Samurai: Montalban?!

Mr. Dantley: Montalban. [ he exits into the dressing room ]

Samurai: [ to himself ] Mont-al-ban!

[ thinking, the Samurai pulls on a roll of fabric, then whips out his sword and slices a swatch of fabric off the roll. Hethen tosses the fabric into the air and swipes his sword at it as it falls to the floor. He picks it off the floor, and there is fancy Montalban vest. Mr. Dantley returns, and is impressed. ]

Mr. Dantley: Hey! That's incredible! That's gorgeous. You do some fast work. Now this is some service! Shall I give it a shot? [ the Samurai helps put the vest on Mr. Dantley ] I should have sent all the ushers to you! [ the Samurai laughs ] This is going to be some reception, I'm telling you.

[ the Samurai grunts as he helps put the outer tuxedo on Mr. Dantley ]

Mr. Dantley: Anyway... it looks terrific so far. [ he stands on a base for the final fitting ] Wow... this is going to cost some money. I mean, there's 75 couples coming. But, her old man is paying -- what do I care? [ the Samurai laughs ]

[ the Samurai kneels down and measures Mr. Dantley's inseam, then grunts ]

Mr. Dantley: No, to the left.

[ the Samurai measures the left inseam ]

Mr. Dantley: Hey, uh -- uh, there's something wrong with these sleeves. [ the Samurai grunts ] Well, I asked for one button, and there's six buttons on each sleeve. I mean, that's five buttons too many. [ the Samurai looks shocked and disappointed ] I distinctly said ONE button. [ the Samurai steps away, hurt ] Yeah, one! [ the Samurai screams ] ONE!

[ the Samurai falls to his knees and pulls out his sword for hari-kari ]

Mr. Dantley: Oh, no, no! Wait a minute! Don't take it seriously!

[ Mr. Dantley stops the Samurai, who appears to be relieved ]

Mr. Dantley: It's not that important, uh... let me take a look. [ he looks into a full-length mirror ] It's not bad -- well, six. It seems a little much, still, though... [ the Samurai points ] Yeah.

[ the Samurai takes his position, then swings his sword upwards to slice off the extra buttons, which go flying through the air ]

Mr. Dantley: [ pleased ] Ah. Yeah.

[ the Samurai's sword is locked into position, so Mr. Dantley helps to loosen his arm ]

Mr. Dantley: Anyway... uh... let's see. I didn't mean to talk harshly back there, but a guy wants to look his best at hids wedding, because you only want to get married once -- at least, I hope so. [ the Samurai chuckles ] Now... the first time I was here, I think I asked for a center vent in the back. I don't really see it.

[ the Samurai grunts, then whips his sword downward and splits a vent down the back of Mr. Dantley's tuxedo ]

Mr. Dantley: Very nice! Ah, thanks. Well, I guess that's okay. Anyway... enough partying, I've found the right girl, I'm all set, I couldn't be happier. The suit is wonderful! There's just one thing that would make me a little bit happier. Uh -- about the pants. [ the Samurai looks ] There's no fly. [ the Samurai grins ] I mean... this is my wedding night. [ the Samurai nods and points ] Yeah.

[ willing to please his customer, the Samurai steps back, throws up his sword and screams as he makes his ai mfor Mr. Dantley's fly ]

[ freeze-frame ]

Announcer: Tune in NEXT week, for another episode of... "Samurai Tailor"!

[ fade ]


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