75u: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot

Talk Back

Frank Noland.....Buck Henry
Announcer.....Dan Aykroyd
Mrs. Noland.....Gilda Radner

[Frank Noland, loud, hard-hitting host of TV call-in talk show, sits in front of a white brick wall and addresses the camera.]

Frank Noland: Good evening. I'm Frank Noland. And this is "Talk Back"!

[Cut to the "Talk Back" logo, then pull back to reveal Frank Noland sitting beneath it at a table lined with ten black telephones. He smokes a cigarette as funky 1970s-era theme music and a tough-talking announcer set the scene.]

Announcer: Talk Back! Frank Noland talks to you, the public! You, the public, talk to Frank Noland! He listens! Talk back to Frank Noland and he'll talk back to you!

Frank Noland: Tonight's topic is "Federally Supported Municipal Bonds -- Yes or No?" I'm Frank Noland and I want you to talk to me about federally supported municipal bonds. Call me now at one of these toll-free numbers: Eight zero-zero, five-five-five, three-three-one-zero -- one-one, one-two, one-three, one-four, one-five, one-six, one-seven, one-eight and one-nine! [pause] That topic, once again: "Federally Supported Municipal Bonds -- Yes or No?" Call me now and let me know how you feel. Those numbers, once again, are: eight zero-zero, five-five-five, three-three-one-zero -- one-one, one-two, one-three, one-four, one-five, one-six, one-seven, one-eight and one-nine!

[a long pause, Frank takes a deep drag on his cigarette, the phones do not ring]

Yes, we're talking about federally supported municipal bonds! Say, is it a federal problem? Is it a state problem? Is it - is it a combination of federal and state problems? Is it YOUR problem? Is it OUR problem? Why don't you give me a ring and talk back to me, Frank Noland? The operators ARE standing by! [another long pause, Frank grabs a glass of water and takes a sip, he looks at the silent row of phones, looks uncomfortable] This ... is Frank Noland. And our first topic tonight is, and has been "Federally Supported Municipal Bonds -- Yes or No?" Hey! But that's not the only issue I'm prepared to talk about tonight. How 'bout this one? "Forced Busing -- Yes or No?" Huh? I'm sure you have as many things to say about forced busing as I do. I'm Frank Noland and I'm prepared to talk back to you! And those numbers, once again, are eight zero-zero, five-five-five, three-three-one-zero -- one-one, one-two, one-three, one-four, one-five, one-six, one-seven, one-eight and one-nine! And they're TOLL-FREE! Totally toll-free!

[another long pause, Frank takes another drag and impatiently taps his pack of cigarettes on the table]

Let's run over those burning issues once again, shall we? They are, one, "Federally Supported Municipal Bonds" and, two, "Forced Busing"! Remember, toll-free! Totally free! You pay nothing here. We pay for the entire call. [phone rings once, Frank reaches for phone] And here's our first on "Talk Back" right now!

[Frank puts his hand on the phone and freezes as he realizes that it has stopped ringing -- another pause, Frank lets go of the phone and puts his hand to his head - he's getting desperate]

Here's another issue that may interest you: "Soviet Communism -- Let's Give It a Chance"! I'll bet there are some of you who have opinions on this one. That's Soviet Communism here -- here and now! Here, in this country, in your own community. I guess there are plenty of good, red-blooded Americans out there who'll have a little something to say about that. And, if there are, and you want to talk back to me, Frank Noland, I'm prepared to talk back to you! Maybe you forgot to make a note of those numbers. The numbers again are eight zero-zero, five-five-five, three-three-one-zero -- one-one, one-two, one-three, one-four, one-five, one-six, one-seven, one-eight and one-nine. And I'm ready to talk back on these same topics: Federally Supported Municipal Bonds, Forced Busing, and "Soviet Communism Here and Now"! I, Frank Noland, am ready to talk back to you in support of spending federal funds to bus known Soviet Communists into your community now -- to teach your children and to live in your house, whether you like it or not! Now, if anyone has another position, and it's your right as an American to disagree, give me a call on one of these toll-free lines. Call me collect! I'll answer and I'll talk back to-- I'll talk. I--

[pause, Frank puts an unlit cigarette in his mouth, thinks for a moment, then leans forward intently]

How 'bout this? "Killing Puppies -- It Doesn't Bother Me" ... That's me, Frank Noland, and I LIKE dead puppies! Frankly, I'm totally in favor of using federally supported municipal bonds to pay for forced busing of Soviet Communists to come into your homes to kill your puppies! Give me a call, won't you? The lines are open. Tell ME what you think about it. [lights his cigarette, mumbles to himself] Dead, mangled puppies ... I like 'em ...

[starting to lose it]

Okay. While you're thinking about THOSE topics, here are a half a dozen others which I, Frank Noland, am personally in favor of. "Adolf Hitler -- Boy, Do We Need Him Now"! Huh? What about that? Hey, "Incest -- I Practice It, Why Don't You?" Give me a call. Talk to me about it. [A sympathetic woman enters and joins Frank] "No Toilets for the Blind"? Call me! Call me, if you're watching! And, and--

Mrs. Noland: Frank? Frank, honey?

Frank Noland: "The Ozone Layer -- Let's Get Rid of It"!

Mrs. Noland: Frank, honey. Honey, let's go home.

Frank Noland: How 'bout "Suicide -- Fun for the Elderly"? [The sympathetic woman gently guides Frank out of his chair and offscreen] I-- I-- What happened? Nobody called. I don't understand it. What about nuns? We could do something about nuns... [As they exit, funky theme music begins and we zoom in on the "Talk Back" logo.]

Announcer: Join us again tomorrow on "Talk Back"! Frank Noland talks to the public! You, the public, talk to Frank Noland! He listens on "Talk Back"!

[Dissolve to the applauding audience. A superimposition reads: COMING UP NEXT: NEW HOPE FOR THE TERMINALLY CURIOUS]


Submitted Anonymously