75u: Buck Henry / Gordon Lightfoot

Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

.....Chevy Chase

Announcer: And now, "Weekend Update" with Chevy Chase.

Chevy Chase: [ into phone ] No, I -- I -- if you think hot fudge sauce is too fattening, we can try yogurt. [ he sees the camera ] I gotta go. [ he hangs up ] Good evening! I'm Chevy Chase... and I love to squeeze things.

In the top of the news tonight: Sen. Edward M. Kennedy has said that he will accept a draft as the Democratic presidential nominee, if the nation and party needs him. And that, furthermore, he would make himsef available, for the Vice-Presidential slot under Hubert Humphrey. In a related story, Sen. Edward M. Kennedy has denied that he would bow to a draft movement to accept the Democratic nomination under any circumstances, or that would accept a Vice-Presidential draft if Hubert Humphhrey headed the ticket.

And here's a late development. Sen. Edward M. Kennedy is alleged to have stated tonight, that if Hubert Humphrey is drafted, he will accept a draft to stop the "Draft Humphrey" move, but will not accept Humphrey as his Vice-Presidential running mate, unless the former Vice-President is drafted as Vice-President but not President. Kennedy says his positions has always been clear on this, whatever it is.

Even though recent Gallop polls show that Kennedy, Humphrey, or Carter would probably win in an election against alleged President Gerald Ford, if held tomorrow, the Chief of State is still optimistic. Ford is seen here, trying for the fourth time, to shake hands with George Romney. Romney later commented: "If the President had only steped forward one or two feet, he probably would have been able to reach my hand."

A new Gallop poll has revealed that 73% of Americans would find a female president acceptable. Of the remainder: 14% want a man, 7% were uncommitted, and 6% preferred David Bowie. [ Chevy laughs snidely ]

The Air France Concorde flew President Valéry Giscard d'Estaing to Washington last week, at a speed of some 1400 miles per hour. The leader's metabolism was so thrown off by the speed of the flight, that he arrived at the White House, ate a cheese danish, swallowed a cup of coffee, sneezed, and flew to Houston without saying a word to Mr. Ford.

Later, d'Estaing announced that, as a part of the new cultural incentive program to draw volunteers into the armed services, the new French Army will be armed with trumpets and bugles instead of rifles.

Well, South Dakota Senator George McGovern, who took only Massachusetts and the District of Columbia as the 1972 Democratic presidential nominee against Richard Nixon, has trown his support behind Morris Udall at this year's Democratic convention. Udall says he considers the senator's endorsement a slap on the back and the kiss of death.

Ol' Blues Eyes himself, Frank Sinatra, shown here with his new fiancee, the former Mrs. Zeppo Marx, back in the gossip pages again. Sources report that nobody is interested, and nobody cares.

On a serious note: A report of a massive, widescale search in parts of Kentucky, Tennessee, Indiana, Michigan, and the Great Lake region.

Former Governor Ronald Reagan, of California, removed his right eyebrow from his face at a campaign rally in Baja on Wednesday. He gave reporters no reason for his action.

The Surgeon General has declared former governor Jimmy Carter's teeth dangerous and lethal weapons, and has asked the Congress for strenuous teeth-control legislation.

Also in the news: Pending an appeal, Tommy ??, who once starred in the popular TV series "Lassie", has been sentenced to three-and-a-half years for conspiracy to smuggle cocaine. Few knew that he was really one of dozens of Tommy Reddicks raised at the Rug Weatherrack's ranch outside Carson City, Nevada. There, Reddicks learned to move and speak to a trainer's secret hand signals, each mastering different skills. One can throw a stick, one can eat pancakes, and one can even say: "Quick, Lassie! Go out and get the best criminal lawyer in the country!"

Qualified experts are urging passing legislation recognizing the cessation of brain activity as a clearly defined criterion for a pronouncement of death, as opposed to a simple heart stoppage. As a result, doctors have pronounced Gerald Ford officially dead. And sources allege that the California State Coroner's Office is searching for the still-moving body of former governor Ronald Reagan.

The filming of a new movie, "Shark's Revenge", ended in tragedy today, when the star of the film, a two-thousand pound Maco shark, was attacked and eaten by unidentified frogmen, later apprehended by the Shore Patrol. Recounting the incident at a press conference, shocked director-cameraman Philippe Solbergs, said simply: [ Chevy speaks extendedly as though he is underwater ] "I couldn't believe it...."

This late breaking story, just in. [ he places the sheet down ]

Well, the 88th Annual "Put A Bag Over Their Heads And They All Look Alike" contest was held in Columbus, Ohio last week, and, for the eighty-eighth time, there was no winner.

Still To Come: The world's largest men's room was installed in the Capitol. After this message.

[ dissolve to Germasol ]

[ dissolve back to Chevy at the news desk, revising a story. He knocks over a glass of water as he notices the camera. ]

Chevy Chase: Well, psychiatrist tests continue to be given to convicted newspaper heiress Patricia Hearst, to determine if she is fit for proper and fair sentencing for bank robbery. Reporting from San Francisco is correspondent Duncan Ebersol.

[ dissolve to stock footage of a fruit nutritional guide ]

Voiceover: Miss Patricia Hearst has already undergone a battery of tests to see how sane she is. Here, she is seen taking the blindfold and fruit identification exam, to determine whether or not she can feel the difference between one fruit and another. Soon after, the butter counting test, and the crucial egg counting oral exam. Later, a psychoanalyst looked at her feet for what was described as "no apparent reason."

[ cut to Chevy holding his nose and reading the report ]

Chevy Chase: This is Duncan Eber -- [ Chevy sees the camera and drops to his normal voice ] -sol reporting.

In Spain, new problems for Generalissimo Francisco Franco. His personal doctors have gone on strike, and, until they return to duty, no one can predict how the dead dictator will remain in his present condition.

In a somewhat rare occurrence at the Washington Zoo today, a scarlet macaw parrot gave birth to the head of an adult man, in front of puzzle zoo officials and amazed visitors. The parrot refused to comment to reporters. Scientists say this is the first such phenomenon of its kind since the Jimmy Carter incident, some years ago.

The Coca-Cola Bottling Company of New York and overseas National Airlines called off their plans to merge the two companies. The merger reportedly would have resulted in the formation of Air Cola, which planned to squirt passengers from New York to London, in a flying six-pack, on a no deposit no return basis.

Chevy Chase:[ he chuckles ] What a fun story!

[ image: the cast of "Mary Tyler Moore" ] Television Comedy Has-Beens Awards were televised this week from Hollywood, as hundreds across the nation watched on TV. The big winners were returned by limosines to their rest homes after the ceremony, to await next year's repeat.

Well, still the greatest, Mohammed Ali, scored a third round knockout over an obese, middle-aged, West German lady in muninch last night, after pummeling her with lethal left jabs and right uppercuts, reminiscent of the earlier Ali we all knew. He danced for two and a half rounds, and then was caught with a right cross by the 55-year old diabetic late in the third round, which did stun the champ. He did fell her with a combination, and then told reproters he just wants to rest up before his match with the dead poet Robert Frost in late July.

Chevy Chase: Well, that's the news tonight. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.