Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 22












75v: Elliot Gould / Leon Redbone

The Honeymooners

Ralph.....John Belushi
Ed.....Dan Aykroyd
Alice.....Gilda Radner
Trixie.....Jane Curtin

[ open on black-and-white "Honeymooners" opening ]

Announcer: And now, The Bees present: John Belushi in "The Honeymooners". With stars: Danny Aykroyd, Gilda Radner, and Jane Curtin.

[ dissolve to interior, Kramden apartment, Alice and Trixie seated at the kitchen table ]

Trixie: So Ed came home drunk the other night, Alice, and he started telling me about all his old girlfriends. Did you know that Ed's first lover was a fly?

Alice: Gee, Trixie... I can't, uh, I can't see Ed with a fly. They're usually so, uh, so cold and closed.

Trixie: Well, Ed's fly was open. Did the tear help your stomach?

Alice: I don't know, I still feel so nauseous. I think I'm gonna go lie down for a while.

Trixie: Well, that's just as well -- I have to go upstairs and finish making Ed's dinner.

Alice: Oh, what are you making for dinner?

Trixie: Rose hips.

Alice: Oh. Okay, Trixie, I'll talk to you later.

Trixie: Take care, honey.

Alice: Okay.

[ Trixie exits the apartment ]

[ Alice exits into the bedroom ]

[ Ralph enters the apartment, to huge applause from the audience ]

Ralph: ALICE!!

Alice: I'll be right out!

Ralph: Alice, I'm home!!

Alice: I'll be right out, Ralph!

[ Ralph sits down at the kitchen to read his newspaper, but freezes in crouch position and screams. He turns his body to reveal that knitting needles have punctured his bottom side ]

[ Alice enters from the bedroom ]

Alice: What's the matter, Ralph? what's gotten into you?

Ralph: Your knitting needles, that's what's gotten into me! Now, look -- get 'em out, will ya'?! What am I gonna say to the guys down at the Raccoon Lodge, what are they gonna think?!

Alice: Why don't you tell them you swallowed a porcupine?

Ralph: Hardy-har-har-har! Hardy-har-har-har, Alice! You're really funny, Alice! You're really a riot, Alice! You're gonna GO PLACES, Alice!! You know where you're gonna go, alice?!

Alice: Where, Ralph?

Ralph: TO THE MOON, ALICE!!

[ the audience applauds wildly ]

Alice: No, Ralph. I'm gonna go into the bedroom -- I feel nauseous.

[ Alice exits into the bedroom, as Ralph scoffs ]

Ralph: Bang! Zoom! [ he leans his head out of the window ] Hey, Norton!

[ Ed casually enters from the hallway ]

Ed: Hey, Ralphie Bee!

[ the audience applauds wildly ]

Ralph: Norton! Norton, get these things out of me!

Ed: Ralph! Are those knitting needles sticking out of your yonkabit like a geisha schoolbus! [ he chuckles like an idiot ]

Ralph: COME ON!! GET 'EM OUT OF ME!! GET 'EM OUT!!

Ed: Okay, okay, okay, Ralphie -- I'm just here to help!

[ Ed checks his wrists and adjusts them accordingly ]

Ralph: WILL YOU COME ON!! Get 'em out of me!!

Ed: Okay, okay, Ralphie! Take it easy, take it easy!

[ Ed yanks the needles loose, as Ralphs screams his relief ]

Ed: There they are, Ralph!

Ralph: Give me those! [ he grabs the needles ] You know, I don't understand it, Norton! I don't understand what's going on around here! I find these knitting needles around here, and alice says she's always nauseous all the time!

Ed: Knitting needles?

Ralph: Yes!

Ed: She's nauseous?

Ralph: Yeah, she's nauseous!

Ed: You know what that means, Ralphie Boy? A little drone! A worker, Ralphie! Maybe even a queen! Hey, hey, hey, Ralphie boy, congratulations! [ he hands a stunned Ralph a cigar and chuckles, then starts to cry ] My Ralphie! Gonna have a worker!

Ralph: Norton! Norton! Old pal of mine. Old buddy of mine, Norton. My Alice -- pregnant, with a little Ralph.

Ed: I didn't think you had it in you, Ralph!

Ralph: GET OUT OF HERE!!

Ed: Okay, Ralph, I'm leaving!

[ Ed exits the apartment ]

[ Ralph begins to stammer ]

Ralph: Alice! Alice! Sweetie?

[ Alice exits the bedroom ]

Ralph: Alice? Alice? Why didn't you tell me we were having a baby?

Alice: Because, Ralph -- it's not yours. [ Ralph furrows his brow ] It's Ed Norton's!

Ralph: Baby... you're the greatest!

[ Ralph pulls Alice down for a passionate kiss, as the theme music crescendoes ]

[ SUPER: "Coming Up Next... Summer Vacations For The Dead." ]

[ fade ]


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