Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 22



















75v: Elliot Gould / Leon Redbone

Weekend Update with Chevy Chase

.....Chevy Chase
Audrey Peart Dickman.....Jane Curtin
Emily Litella.....Gilda Radner

Announcer: And now, "Weekend Update with Chevy Chase".

Chevy Chase: [ into phone ] That's silly -- everybody makes noise. Everybody reacts differently. So what if you happen to laugh? That's not a -- [ he looks up to see the camera ] I gotta go! [ he hangs up ]

Good evening! I'm Chevy Chase, and so are you!

Our top story tonight: Cuban premier Fidel Castro announced that he is pulling out of Angola. A frustrated Angola could not be reached for comment.

Jimmy Carter and his wife Rosalynn, in an effort to dramatize the solidarity of their marriage, had themselves epoxied together at the cheeks.

Also on the campaign trail: Trailing in the primaries, Morris Udall made a last-ditch effort at vote-getting by showing the crowd that he can lift a chair.

Well, Ohio representative Wayne Hayes, shown here holding up nothing, submitted his relationship with a $14,000 a year secretary. Sources report that Hayes, after doing soem quick arithmatic, commented, "$14,000 a year? I thought it was $38 a night."

[ as the Chromakey slide changes, revealing a naked woman with exposed nipple, Chevy quickly jumps up to cover the nipple with his hand ] Sorry about this here...

The woman in question, Elizabeth Ray, posing here for a Girls of Washington layout in Playboy Magazine, September, reportedly told the press: "I can't use a typewriter. I don't know an "L" from an "R", and, after all, this is an election season."

[ Chevy sits, as the slide changes a photo of a couple ]

Well... nobody really cares any more!

The West Point Cheating Scandal has reached such large proportions, that the academy is considering changing its honor code rather than expelling hundreds of West Point cadets. The honor code now states that a cadet will not lie, steal or cheat. The new code being proposed states that a cadet will not lie or steal.

Well, Air Bulgaria, today, proudly unveiled its new supersonic transport plane, designed to compete with the Concorde now in service. The craft will fly at twice the speed of sound -- if they can get it inside a Concorde.

At the University of Nevada, Frank Sinatra received a double honor this week: He was named Doctor of Humane Letters, and also the winner of this year's Mickey rooney Look-alike Contest.

Boston Bruin Bobby Orr, the superstar defenseman, announced that he will give up hockey to enter in the freestyle diving event in the '76 Olypmics. He is shown here executing a perfect swan dive into solid ice.

Former Vice-President Spiro Agnew took time out from his new promotional tour this week to attend a masquerade party given in his honor. Agnew is shown here before he decided on his costume.

Chevy Chase: This just in: Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. More on that story later.

Still to come: Gerald Ford buys an alarm clock, after this message.

[ dissolve to Vibramatic ad ]

[ dissolve back to Chevy at the news desk ]

Chevy Chase: United Nation Secretary Kurt Waldheim said today that Syria, Lebanon, Greece, India and Lithuania.

Heavyweight champ Mohammed Ali knocked out a six-year-old First Grade girl in Ohio today. It only took him one left jab. The girl is reported in serious condition in a nearby hospital.

While the city of Montreal, Canada, readies itself for the upcoming Summer Olympics, teams over much of the world are practicing day and night for the games. Reporting on one such team is correspondent Jacqueline Carlin in Latvia.

[ dissolve to black-and-white footage ]

V/O: The Latvians have yet to win a gold medal in the Olympic competition. Critics say this may be a result of shoddy training, lack of equipment, and little knowledge of what may be required of them at the games. Here, the co-ed teammates are shown passing balls over their heads to each other and between their legs. Perhaps the most interesting contest for this spirited team is the dance around the duckpins ritual, during which members of the same group actually dance around duckpins, trying to force the teammates closest to them to kick the duckpins over.

[ dissolve back to Chevy reporting at the news desk ]

Chevy Chase: This Jacqueline... [ in his normal voice ] Carlin reporting.

Last week, "Weekend Update" presented an editorial by Gordon Flowers, objecting to the overcommercialism of America's Bicentennial. Here, with an editorial reply, is junior chairperson of the Bicentennial Business Affairs Committee, Ms. Audrey Peart Dickman.

Audrey Peart Dickman: What's wrong with being patriotic? In this, our Bicentennial year, too many so-called concerned citizena have been criticizing the use of the good old Red, White and Blue and other American symbols, in connection with commercial products, advertising, merchandising, and general acitivities surrounding the celebration of the birth of this great country. [ Chevy beginsto make mimicking facial gestures next to Audrey ] I say what's wrong with expressing our patriotism? I'm PROUD to diaper my baby in the Stars and Stripes! [ Chevy leans over behind Audrey and sticks his tongue out in a grotesque manner ] Or to stroll on the boardwalk wearing an Old Glory leisure suit! [ Chevy makes more mimicking facial gestures, stopping just before Audrey turns to look ] Call me sentimental and old-fashioned, but it's a thrilling rminder of our heritage to have the American Eagle stamped on my toilet tissue, so I can be reminded again and again and again... [ Chevy uses his fingers to stretch his cheeks apart and flick his tonuge at Audrey, pretending to pick his teeth when Audrey turns to look ] Have our ancestors fought that gallant battle for independence, cleansing the nation of oppressive forces: "Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness" become more than mere words when they appear embossed on a pizza slice into thirteen sections, as a reminder of the valiant original colonies, who stood together against oppression! [ Chevy makes more rude gestures behind Audrey, including sticking his finger in his nose and stretching his mouth apart, only to pretend to be rubbing his cheeks when she glances over ] Yes, I'll brush my teeth with bicentennial toothpaste and gargle with "Give me liberty, or give me death" mouthwash, and I'll feel better for it because I know I'll TASTE like an American!

[ the audience applauds ]

Chevy Chase: "Weekend Update" recognizes its responsibility to present opposing viewpoints, whenever we're in the mood.

[ Audrey gives Chevy a dirty look ]

Chevy Chase: And now, for those of our viewers who may be Emily Litella fans, I will repeat the top story of the day aided by -- who else? -- Miss Emily Litella.

[ Emily Litela appears in an oval over Chevy's shoulder ]

"Our top story tonight!"

Emily Litella: "Our flop story tonight!"

Chevy Chase: Uh, Emily? I said our "top" story.

Emily Litella: What, Cheddar?

Chevy Chase: Our "TOP" story! Not our "flop" story. Our "flop" story would be our worst story! Our "top" story would be our BEST story!

Emily Litella: Ohh. [ she smiles ] Never mind!

Chevy Chase: Good night, and have a plesant tomorrow.

Emily Litella: Good morning, and how are you today? [ she smiles ]

[ Chevy smiles with her ]

[ fade ]


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