75w: Louise Lasser / Preservation Hall Jazz Band

Teen Talk

Gilda ... Gilda Radner
Jane ... Jane Curtin

[Teenaged Jane sits lengthwise on a living room sofa, eating crackers and peanut butter. Her teen friend Gilda enters, struggling to carry a huge tray of food which she sets awkwardly on the coffee table in front of the sofa. Jane picks at the food throughout the sketch.]

Gilda: Okay, Jane, that's all my mom had left in the fridge.

Jane: That's it?

Gilda: Yeah, well, the whole family's on a diet. [joins Jane on the sofa] Move yer feet over. So, uh, what'd you let him, uh, get last night? A three or a four?

Jane: I can't remember which is which. How's it go?

Gilda: A three is over your shirt. A four is under your shirt, over the bra. So which was it, a three or a four?

Jane: Five.

Gilda: Five? On the third date? You mean you let him have a five? Oh, God.

Jane: I had to! Otherwise, he would have known I was wearing a padded bra.

Gilda: Oh, God.

Jane: Well, look, it's embarrassing enough that you know. You know what's worse? Gym class. Do you know how long it takes to change underneath your slip? And that's in front of girls.

Gilda: Why don't you just stuff cotton in your bra and then when - when he starts gettin' romantic, you could just excuse yourself and go to the ladies' room and take it out?

Jane: How am I going to go to the ladies' room in a cemetery?

Gilda: Cemetery?

Jane: You know! He likes to park in a cemetery. It's quiet there. Nobody bothers us.

Gilda: Cemetery? Oh, God.

Jane: I wish you'd stop saying "God" -- [mimics her] "Oh, God." 'Specially in front of my mother. She thinks you're a bad influence.

Gilda: Aw, well, that's a laugh. Especially when ya get the highest marks in school.

Jane: That's not what I mean.

Gilda: Jane?

Jane: Yeah?

Gilda: Have you seen it?

Jane: What?

Gilda: You know ... It.

Jane: No, I don't know. What?

Gilda: You know ... his, uh ... Him. It. You know.

Jane: [gives her a withering look] That's so disgusting.

Gilda: I just want to know did you get a look at it.

Jane: I don't want to talk about it. It's too disgusting.

Gilda: Come on, now. We're supposed to be best friends. I - I just want to know what it's like.

Jane: Okay, okay. ... It's not like anything.

Gilda: What do you mean it's not like anything?

Jane: It's just not like anything.

Gilda: How can it be not like any--? I don't think you've seen it.

Jane: Okay. It's like a ... It's like a person.

Gilda: A fireman?

Jane: [can't believe she's so stupid] God.

Gilda: Oh, I don't think you've seen anything.

Jane: You don't have to see it.

Gilda: I thought he'd want you to.

Jane: I wouldn't even if he wanted me to.

Gilda: You mean, you wouldn't if he wanted you to?

Jane: No.

Gilda: Even if you were going steady?

Jane: [thinks about it] No.

Gilda: Even if he wouldn't go steady with you any more?

Jane: No, I wouldn't.

Gilda: Even if he wouldn't go steady with you any more and he asked you to give his ring back, you still wouldn't?

Jane: Nope. I would-- Well, maybe if-- No.

Gilda: Well, I would. I'd look at it if he wanted me to.

Jane: Let me set you straight. I don't think they want you to. Besides, it's dark in a cemetery.

Gilda: Well, then you have nothing to worry about.

Jane: Why?

Gilda: [pulls a cake off the tray and picks at it throughout the rest of the sketch] Because, um, then he won't be able to, uh, to see your chest and he won't know how flat you really are.

Jane: What does that mean?

Gilda: It means, stupid, that things happen to feel bigger than they look, you know, like when you have a pimple on your face and you keep feelin' it and feelin' it and it feels like it's really big and then you look in the mirror and it's not so bad after all - just like your breasts.

Jane: It is?

Gilda: Yeah, and another thing, you better, uh, you better not let him see you, uh, lyin' down on your back.

Jane: Why?

Gilda: Eh, 'cause they slip over to the sides into your armpits.

Jane: Oh, Gilda.

Gilda: [as Jane tears a piece off of Gilda's cake] As a matter of fact, uh, you better only let him see you when you're up at the lake swimming.

Jane: Why?

Gilda: 'Cause things look bigger under water, stupid.

Jane: Don't call me stupid, stupid.

Gilda: Stupid yourself! [Jane bops Gilda in the nose with a piece of cake] Oh, God. ... I wish I had a boyfriend.

[The two girls sit silently, glumly chewing their food as we dissolve to a wider view of the set surrounded by the cameras and the applauding audience, with SUPER: "Coming Up Next... Pre-Natal Root Canal Therapy".]


Submitted Anonymously