75w: Louise Lasser / Preservation Hall Jazz Band
Gilda ... Gilda Radner
Jane ... Jane Curtin
[Teenaged Jane sits lengthwise on a living room sofa,
eating crackers and peanut butter. Her teen friend
Gilda enters, struggling to carry a huge tray of food
which she sets awkwardly on the coffee table in front
of the sofa. Jane picks at the food throughout the
Gilda: Okay, Jane, that's all my mom had left in the
Jane: That's it?
Gilda: Yeah, well, the whole family's on a diet.
[joins Jane on the sofa] Move yer feet over. So, uh,
what'd you let him, uh, get last night? A three or a
Jane: I can't remember which is which. How's it go?
Gilda: A three is over your shirt. A four is under
your shirt, over the bra. So which was it, a three or
Gilda: Five? On the third date? You mean you let him
have a five? Oh, God.
Jane: I had to! Otherwise, he would have known I was
wearing a padded bra.
Gilda: Oh, God.
Jane: Well, look, it's embarrassing enough that you
know. You know what's worse? Gym class. Do you know
how long it takes to change underneath your slip? And
that's in front of girls.
Gilda: Why don't you just stuff cotton in your bra and
then when - when he starts gettin' romantic, you could
just excuse yourself and go to the ladies' room and
take it out?
Jane: How am I going to go to the ladies' room in a
Jane: You know! He likes to park in a cemetery. It's
quiet there. Nobody bothers us.
Gilda: Cemetery? Oh, God.
Jane: I wish you'd stop saying "God" -- [mimics her]
"Oh, God." 'Specially in front of my mother. She
thinks you're a bad influence.
Gilda: Aw, well, that's a laugh. Especially when ya
get the highest marks in school.
Jane: That's not what I mean.
Gilda: Have you seen it?
Gilda: You know ... It.
Jane: No, I don't know. What?
Gilda: You know ... his, uh ... Him. It. You know.
Jane: [gives her a withering look] That's so
Gilda: I just want to know did you get a look at it.
Jane: I don't want to talk about it. It's too
Gilda: Come on, now. We're supposed to be best
friends. I - I just want to know what it's like.
Jane: Okay, okay. ... It's not like anything.
Gilda: What do you mean it's not like anything?
Jane: It's just not like anything.
Gilda: How can it be not like any--? I don't think
you've seen it.
Jane: Okay. It's like a ... It's like a person.
Gilda: A fireman?
Jane: [can't believe she's so stupid] God.
Gilda: Oh, I don't think you've seen anything.
Jane: You don't have to see it.
Gilda: I thought he'd want you to.
Jane: I wouldn't even if he wanted me to.
Gilda: You mean, you wouldn't if he wanted you to?
Gilda: Even if you were going steady?
Jane: [thinks about it] No.
Gilda: Even if he wouldn't go steady with you any
Jane: No, I wouldn't.
Gilda: Even if he wouldn't go steady with you any more
and he asked you to give his ring back, you still
Jane: Nope. I would-- Well, maybe if-- No.
Gilda: Well, I would. I'd look at it if he wanted me
Jane: Let me set you straight. I don't think they want
you to. Besides, it's dark in a cemetery.
Gilda: Well, then you have nothing to worry about.
Gilda: [pulls a cake off the tray and picks at it
throughout the rest of the sketch] Because, um, then
he won't be able to, uh, to see your chest and he
won't know how flat you really are.
Jane: What does that mean?
Gilda: It means, stupid, that things happen to feel
bigger than they look, you know, like when you have a
pimple on your face and you keep feelin' it and
feelin' it and it feels like it's really big and then
you look in the mirror and it's not so bad after all -
just like your breasts.
Jane: It is?
Gilda: Yeah, and another thing, you better, uh, you
better not let him see you, uh, lyin' down on your
Gilda: Eh, 'cause they slip over to the sides into
Jane: Oh, Gilda.
Gilda: [as Jane tears a piece off of Gilda's cake] As
a matter of fact, uh, you better only let him see you
when you're up at the lake swimming.
Gilda: 'Cause things look bigger under water, stupid.
Jane: Don't call me stupid, stupid.
Gilda: Stupid yourself! [Jane bops Gilda in the nose
with a piece of cake] Oh, God. ... I wish I had a
[The two girls sit silently, glumly chewing their food
as we dissolve to a wider view of the set surrounded
by the cameras and the applauding audience, with SUPER: "Coming Up Next... Pre-Natal Root Canal Therapy".]