Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 1: Episode 24




75x: Kris Kristofferson / Rita Coolidge

Talk Country

.....Kris Kristofferson

[FADE IN on Kris Kristofferson on the set of a country barn with his guitar on his lap.]

Kris: Howdy! I’m Kris Kristofferson. I guess you’re wonderin’ what a good ol’ boy from Nashville is doin’ talkin’ to you on some tutti-fruitti TV stage. Well, fact is, I make a pretty good livin’ doin’ just ‘bout all the way I wanna do. I may not be no Bobby Dylan, but I don’t have to go to work in the morning neither. And I’m fixin’ to tell you all out there how to do the same thing. See, it wasn’t always so easy for me, like a lot of you out there, I had a handicap that was fast ruinin’ my life. It was called education. I was a Rhodes scholar, damn... name was too damned good. To be honest with ya, I was becoming a burden to my family, and an embarrassment to my friends, and I was turnin’ out songs like, uh, “Please, help me endure the angst of this lonely evening,” and “Bobby McGee and I,” and... [pauses] To be sure, I couldn’t get arrested. Right now you’re probably asking yourself, “Well, what turned it all around for him? How’d he write all those great songs and made him, well, kind of a... legend in his own time?” The answer is in this book, “Talk Country.”

[He holds up a skinny coffee-table book with a photo of a shirtless Kristofferson with a guitar.]

Kris: It took me ten years of dues-paying to learn what’s in this book, and you can read the damn thing in an hour, in the comfort of your own home. There’s a whole chapter devoted to nothing but droppin’ your “g’s” at the end of words, like believin’, feelin, comin’, children... Another on double negatives, and a special section on, uh, colorful country sayins, like, uh, “as much chance as a one-legged man in an ass kickin’ contest,” and “feelin’ like a jackass between two haystacks.” Point is, you don’t need to have a prison record to be an outlaw. Or do any time in a drunk tank to be funky, it’s all right in here. Don’t let your education stand in the way of stardom, and don’t throw away a promising career just ‘cause you can’t say “ain’t.” Send $5.95 today to Talk Country, Station No. 38, New York City, New York.

[SUPERIMPOSE address at bottom of screen.]

Kris: It worked for Merle Haggard... it’ll work for you. Well, I’ve got to get back to makin’ music. [strums guitar once and sings rapidly] “I’m a loser, I’m a learner, and I’m filthy on the phone, I ran a buster to the bone, and I’m a problem when I’m home...”

[FADE to black over applause.]


Submitted by: Sean


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